


Laws of Motion

by annatheginger



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2017-12-08 03:25:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 52,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annatheginger/pseuds/annatheginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It should be simple, really. He pushes, she pulls. He leaves, she comes running. But in love and war, nothing's ever that simple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where Is She?

  
_"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He followed orders, listened to his superiors.  
  
So, when Shepard told him go, that's what he did.  
  
The emergency lights gave his degrading surroundings a foreboding, ominous glow as he ran through what remained of the living quarters to where the escape pods resided. He could hear the screams of terrified crewmates resounding over the blaring alarms, a sound that would haunt his dreams for many months afterwards.  
  
Small explosions and a cacophony of noise threatened to overwhelm him as he assisted those around him into open and waiting pods. Stepping into one of the emptier vessels, he watched a blast knock a slight woman onto the ground. She remained motionless, even as his pod sealed and promptly launched into the depths of space.  
  
Exhaling deeply, he felt the biting adrenaline in his veins ebb as his erratic heartbeat slowed. There were only four others with him in the pod – two were engineers, one was a CIC officer, and the last was a young marine who couldn't be older than twenty-five. All sat in similar states of distress, illuminated by the single feeble light above their heads.  
  
Twisting to look out of the window beside him, he beheld the Normandy, dwarfed by the offending starship. His eyes widened as what appeared to be a large particle beam cut cleanly through the stern, causing a chain reaction of explosions. Panic flitted through him as he saw the beam aim for the bow, where Shepard would likely be getting Joker to evacuate.  
  
Seeing the faint outline of an escape pod move quickly away from the ship just as the Normandy was struck again, Kaidan breathed a small sigh of relief.  
  
She was safe.  _She was safe_.  
  
After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, an Alliance vessel was there to collect the pods and account for survivors.  
  
Stepping out of his pod, he watched as others emerged, embraced,  _You're alive, thank God you're alive_. A group of doctors were there to tend to the wounded, the burned, the soulless.  
  
There was one more pod, only one more, and he held his breath as Joker emerged. His face was tear-stained, his eyes were red, his arm was unnaturally bent. A doctor moved to help him, but Joker simply pushed him away. Moments passed, and she didn't emerge. Where was she? What was she waiting for?  
  
Impatient, as she had always teased him for being, Kaidan walked over to where Joker sat, sobbing, cradling his head. The lieutenant looked in the pod; it was empty.  
  
Turning to the wounded and tortured pilot, he said, "Where is she?"  
  
"I couldn't…"  
  
"Damn it, Joker! Where is she?" he yelled, feeling his control (what control did he have left?) slipping away.  
  
"She… she's…" Joker couldn't finish his sentence, for he was choking on grief and guilt.  
  
Kaidan fell to his knees, waiting for her to help him up. She didn't come. Tears came to his eyes as cold emptiness filled his entire being. He was being killed slowly by loss, by hollowness, by nothingness. "Where is she, Joker?"  
  
Kaidan Alenko was a good soldier. He followed orders, listened to his superiors.  
  
But maybe, if he had said no when she told him to go, if he had disobeyed, if he hadn't followed orders, she would still be here. Maybe she would be here, with him.  
  
"Where is she?" 

* * *

 _To Kaidan Alenko, his new CO, Commander Shepard, was nothing more than a legend. Having never talked or even_ seen _her, she existed only in the stories he had heard of her, the great commander._

 _She was apparently a very private person, considering that she spent most of her time holed away in her cabin. Though he was naturally curious about his superior, the crewmates Kaidan talked to had only seen brief glimpses of Shepard, keeping her under a veil of ambiguity.  
  
On one of his first nights on the _ SSV-Normandy _, he felt the beginnings of a migraine creep into his skull. Everyone was likely asleep, though Kaidan lay awake on his cot, grimacing at the pounding pain that continually thrummed behind his eyes. Knowing that any attempts to sleep were futile, he pushed himself out of bed and walked to the mess hall, hoping a glass of Scotch would dull the pain._  
  
_The lights were dim due to the night simulation, and the normally bustling hall was still and quiet. Rushing over to the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle of Noverian Scotch, damning the glass and taking a long drink from the bottle. The liquid was rich and smooth, burning warmth trailing down his throat. Sighing in relief as the throbbing in his head lessened, he continued to take deep swigs of the spirit as he moved towards the long mess table._  
  
_Pulling out a chair and slumping into it, he looked up when a slight movement caught his eye. He nearly fell out of his seat in surprise when he noticed another person sitting across from him, a datapad in her hand. The blue glow from the screen illuminated her face faintly, and he saw that she was smiling at him._  
  
_"Hi," she said simply, placing the datapad on the table and leaning forward on her elbows._  
  
_Kaidan smiled sheepishly in embarrassment. "I didn't think anyone was up at this hour," he murmured._  
  
_"It's the only time I can find any peace and quiet on this damned ship," she snorted, tapping her fingers against the table unconsciously._  
  
_"Oh," Kaidan sighed, feeling even more foolish. He began to stand, saying, "Then I'm sorry I bothered you-"_  
  
_"No, you should stay," she interrupted quickly. "It gets lonely after a while," she said, brushing her short hair out of her eyes. It was too dark to make out what color her hair and eyes were, or even the basic definition of her face, though he could see the outline of her features. When he sat again, she grinned at him coyly. "So, whatcha drinking, soldier?"_  
  
_"Noverian Scotch," he shrugged, bringing the bottle to his lips again, drinking deeply._  
  
_"From the bottle?" she asked incredulously, shaking her head slightly in disbelief. "I guess you've had one hell of a bad day."_  
  
_"Nah," he said, the effects of the alcohol making him feel relaxed and lulled. "I get really bad migraines because of my L2 implants."_  
  
_"Oh, you must be Lieutenant Alenko," she said, her eyes brightening in understanding._  
  
_"You've heard of me?" he asked skeptically._  
  
_"Of course," she said matter-of-factly, not elaborating any further._  
  
_He watched her shape shift as she sank into the back of her chair. "What are you drinking?" he asked, motioning to the cup sitting to the right of her hands._  
  
_"Tea."_  
  
_Raising an eyebrow in interest, he teased, "Is it spiked?"_  
  
_"No," she laughed slightly, sipping from her cup. "I don't drink. Or, I guess I don't anymore."_  
  
_"I'm sensing a story."_  
  
_"One I'll never tell," she laughed, her eyes sparkling with mischief. She paused for a moment, looking into her cup thoughtfully. "You know, herbal tea is known to help migraines," she said. "I could make you some."_  
  
_Taken aback by this strange woman's kindness, he could only mutter, "Okay," before she stood and walked to the kitchen. Returning with a steaming mug, she placed it in front of him and resumed sitting. He thanked her before tentatively tasting the hot liquid, its warmth seeping down into his fingertips._  
  
_They sat in amicable silence as he wracked his brain for a common topic. "So, have you met our commander?" he asked suddenly._  
  
_Her eyes flickered with some unidentified emotion – possibly amusement? – as she smiled into her own cup. "Once or twice. Why do you ask?"_  
  
_"I've never met her," he said. "What's she like?"_  
  
_"Oh, she's a real hardass," she said nonchalantly. "Pretty face, but don't let her fool you."_  
  
_"For you, I won't," he said, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them. She stiffened a bit at his flirtatious tone, though he didn't miss how her smile widened before she hid it in her tea._  
  
_He changed the subject quickly, attempting to disperse the awkwardness he felt creep between them. They began to talk about biotics, and then guns, and then family, and then whatever came to mind. Hours passed, and soon the lights began to increase in brightness to indicate dawn. The emerging light illuminated her features and, though it was with a drowsy mind, he still made a mental note of her glossy, short blonde hair, her striking green eyes, and her sweet, soft face._  
  
_Kaidan hadn't felt this comfortable with anyone in quite some time; he never wanted to stop talking to this fascinating, warm woman. Sadly, he knew that he would need at least a few hours of sleep to be able to function the next day. With a heavy heart, he told her that he needed to go back to his sleeping pod. She smiled and agreed before standing to make her leave._  
  
_As he moved to leave, an abrupt thought struck him. "I never caught your name," he called to her, grabbing her attention._  
  
_She had an entertained expression on her face as she looked at him. "My name's Reila Shepard," she said casually, though he did not miss importance of her name as recognition hit him like a blow._  
  
_"Commander!" he exclaimed, straightening his spine and saluting her rigidly. A shock of guilt washed through him as her smile fell, and she nodded her head in acknowledgement._  
  
_"It was… nice talking to you, lieutenant," she said softly, a ghost of a smile playing at her lips. "Maybe we can do it again sometime."_  
  
_"Of course, commander," he said firmly. "Goodnight."_  
  
_She sighed, bringing her hand up to salute him in return. "Goodnight, Alenko."_

* * *

She was weightless, she was nothing, she was insignificant.  
  
The broken pieces of the Normandy marred her view of the star as she floated, to nowhere, to everywhere. She couldn't breathe, there was no air, but she had never been more alive.  
  
They were safe; everyone she loved was safe. Joker, Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Liara.   
  
_Kaidan._    
  
She had never told him she loved him, and that was okay. There was no use worrying about things that couldn't be changed, she decided as her lungs tightened in her chest. It burned, it hurt, but she was alive. She was okay. They were safe.  
  
_God, it's so beautiful out here._  
  
A distant planet held her like a treasure, like she was treasured, like she was loved. If she tried hard enough, she could reach out and touch its surface. It was just beneath her fingertips. She wanted to touch. So she did.  
  
_You're so beautiful._  
  
She would see Ash soon, she thought as the atmosphere cradled her. She fell, but fire swaddled her, teased her skin, and made pain cease. No more pain. She was a shooting star, immortalized, illuminating, imperfect. She had always been.  
  
_Don't forget about me, okay?_  
  
_Never._


	2. Just Barely

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton_

* * *

“What’ll it be, handsome?” _  
_

The young asari bartender leaned forward on the counter, smirking at him seductively. Reaching down, he began to unbutton his formal uniform coat, letting the constricting garment loosen. “What kind of Scotch do you have?” he asked, resting his throbbing head in his hands.  
  
“Spiced Lusian, Kahjean Malt, and Noverian,” she recited offhandedly.  
  
Hiding a grimace, Kaidan shook his head in disapproval. “I’ll just have a batarian ale,” he muttered, desperately craving the numbing effects alcohol always brought. The bartender returned after a moment with a tall, frothy glass of the drink, and he took a deep pull from it.  
  
“Let me know if you need anything else,” she said sweetly, winking at him before tending to another customer.  
  
Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he sighed with exasperation and exhaustion. Physically and emotionally drained from the events of the day, he could do nothing more than simply keep his eyes open and watch the random civilians pass, engrossed by their unaware, blissful lives.  
  
The finality of the whole day, of the ceremony, of the things said had Kaidan’s head spinning and heart aching. To those who hadn’t known her, it had been a beautiful service to commemorate the beautiful life of a beautiful person.  
  
To those who had, it was a macabre, soul-sucking reminder of the loss of the one life in the galaxy that deserved, more than anyone else, to live.  
  
_“The Commander was an awe-inspiring woman who never let unfavorable odds stop her from doing great things…”  
_  
All that Kaidan could think the entire time was how much she would've hated it all - the overuse of her favorite color, the sentimental stories told, the relentless tears. She would've despised the vast mass of people she didn't know and that didn't know her, the anxious coughs and whispers coming from those who wanted nothing more than to leave but had to stay because of obligation.  
  
_“…she cared for her team, she cared for us, like we were her family…”  
_  
At the front of the room, they had an elaborate, solitary casket on display. Kaidan kept his eyes trained on it the entire service, his chest tightening with every steady breath. Why did they need a casket when there was no body? To anyone else, it may have symbolized something - maybe closure, maybe peace, maybe something spiritual and glorious and whole. To him, it was only an empty box.  
  
_“…hell, she was better than every one of us. Funnier, too.”  
_  
Captain Hannah Shepard had spoken on behalf of her family. Her face remained emotionless throughout her speech, her demeanor that of a hardened, indifferent officer and her words stiff and rehearsed. But Kaidan could hear her silent pain, for she was a mother without a reason, a mother who would never hold her child again.  
  
_“She held the line to her very last minute, and we’ll do the goddamn same for her.”  
_  
Out of Shepard's entire crew, Garrus was the only one who spoke, considering the others could barely keep their composure long enough to say so much as three words. The turian sniper kept his sentences short and to the point, something that Shepard would've appreciated. Ending his dialogue with unwavering resolve, he said:  
  
_“So, wherever the hell you are, Shepard, rest in peace.”_

* * *

_“Fuck! That stings!”_

_From beside him in the room, Ashley snickered into her hands. “I’ve seen you get shot, Commander,” Kaidan said with a small smirk. “I never thought needles would be your weakness.”  
  
Puckering her lips, Shepard stared up at them with an annoyed expression. She jumped a bit as the needle touched her skin again, hissing at the twinge of pain. “It’s a good thing you’re cute, Alenko,” she teased playfully, “or I would've kicked you by now.”  
  
The compliment was not lost on the young lieutenant, who failed horribly at stifling his blush. Ash sniggered again and elbowed him lightly in the ribs, her expression playful and amused. “You’re the one who wanted to do this,” she said to her CO, who grimaced in response.  
  
“I know, I know… it’s just that it – fuck – it burns!” she grumbled, attempting to restrain herself from wiggling too much. “Is it supposed to burn?”  
  
“Yes, Commander,” Ashley grinned, shaking her head in amusement.  
  
Shepard gave an irritated glance to the tattoo artist and exhaled loudly. “Are you almost done?”  
  
The batarian nodded, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth at her impatience. He pulled the needle away from her skin and rubbed the inked area with a disinfecting solution, making Shepard jerk and release a string of loud expletives. “It’s done,” he said, gesturing for her to look.  
  
Standing up, Shepard turned to face the mirror, her eyes widening as she inspected her bright pink flesh. Written boldly under her right collarbone was a black "N7," now permanently marking her skin.  
  
“Congrats on your first tattoo, Commander,” Ashley said from beside her, admiring the aggravated and raw skin.  
  
“My mother would kill me if she knew. She hates tattoos,” Shepard said with a pleased grin as the batarian bandaged the new ink. “I feel like a rebellious teenager.”  
  
“You were never a rebellious teenager?” Kaidan inquired, cocking his head to the side slightly.  
  
"My mom didn't allow much room to rebel," Shepard said, laughing slightly. "I remember I dyed my hair lavender once. She made me shave it off." With Ashley and Kaidan cackling at her side, Shepard paid the tattoo artist. "It was a shame. I love that color."  
  
"Lavender? A _ flower _?" Kaidan questioned as they walked out of the parlor. "That seems too feminine for you."  
  
Shepard said glanced at the young lieutenant with a smirk on her face, barely choking back laughter. "If you haven't noticed, Alenko, I actually _ am _a female."_  
  
_His eyes flickered over her body briefly, shamelessly admiring her gentle curves. "Oh, I've noticed," he said impulsively, his words unintentionally suggestive. Though it took a few moments for his words to sink in, none of them missed his blatant connotations. The air around them stilled as he stiffened in horror, cursing himself mentally._  
  
_He watched as Reila quirked an eyebrow and paused mid-step, suddenly turning and moving in the other direction._  
  
_“Where are you going, Commander?” Ashley asked, amused, as Kaidan reddened profusely._  
  
_They heard their CO's resounding laughter as she walked away. “I’m getting Alenko’s name tattooed on my ass.”_

* * *

With bleary eyes, exhausted limbs, and more than a few stiff drinks in his system, Kaidan entered his apartment in solitude. Feeling the beginnings of a migraine creep into his head, it was nights like this that Shepard's absence felt excruciatingly unbearable. The days without her seemed to drag on with monotony and pain, an empty agony that threatened to overwhelm and hollow him all at once. 

A year. It had been a year without her.  
  
Though the funeral had been to "honor" Shepard and all that she had done, afterwards, it was almost like she had been erased. No one spoke of her, no one talked of the good she had done, no one attempted to continue her work. Despite owing Shepard their lives, the Council had practically removed her from their records, dismissing all of her previous findings about the Reapers. It was an insult to her memory. She had died for nothing.  
  
With this disrespect came backlash from those who had loved her. The  _Normandy's_  remaining crew members were outraged and attempted to bring Shepard's findings back to light. But even with Anderson on their side, they could not convince the Council to take Shepard's information seriously.  
  
Therefore, without Shepard holding them together, Kaidan's friends and former colleagues began to migrate away from each other. Some acquired different jobs, others settled into unfamiliar homes, and a few fell off the radar completely. But all had found new purpose in the universe, detaching themselves from memories of their commander and moving on.  
  
It took much longer for Kaidan to accomplish the same. The first few months were practically unbearable - he didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't speak to anyone. His survivor's guilt was deep-seeded and unbearably raw, leaving him empty in Reila's absence.  In the end, after three months of mourning, it was Coucilor Anderson who came and practically forced Kaidan to come back to work in the Systems Alliance, where Kaidan achieved the rank of Staff Commander.   
  
And although his job kept him busy, lonely days lead to lonely nights like these, and he knew that wasn't going to change.  
  
Falling onto his bed and cringing from the pain, he reached out for his pillow and laid his head on the stiff fabric. He tried to imagine the gentle pressure of her soft, cool hands drawing nonsensical patterns on his face, on his temples, to soothe his pains. Softly, she would hum an old song that he had never heard as her fingers moved through his hair, grounding him and keeping him safe. She would shift and bring his head onto her lap, and when he opened his eyes despite the pain of light, he would see her lovely face above him with closed eyes and curved lips.  
  
It was the closest he had ever gotten to heaven.  
  
Sometimes, the pain would last through the night. In spite of the hours of crying and whimpering and shuddering, she would stay. She was solid and real beneath him, keeping him from succumbing completely to the hurting when it was all he could feel.   
  
Other nights, the torture would eventually fade to a light aching, and when he would open his eyes to the world again, there she would be. He could never describe how thankful he was for her presence, so, instead, he showed her. The hands that she called strong and firm would reach up and hold her face, bringing her down to touch their lips together. Her lips, thick and rosy, smiled against the pressure of his own. Somehow, every nerve in his body lit on fire, burning deeply and savagely under his skin.  
  
Could she feel it? Could she feel him burn?  
  
So tonight, as he lay on the pillow that never seemed to feel right beneath his head, he thought on these things. He could almost imagine her stroking his face and humming a song. She was kissing his lips and laughing against his mouth. The fire raged.  
  
His hands moved, but they were no longer his own; they were hers. She was here, with him, kissing his skin, igniting the blood in his veins. Ghost fingers caressed him, and her seductive laughter struck his ears.   
  
A surge of emotions he hadn't felt in so long washed over him, filling him and making him cry out. He tried to remember the little things - the way her hair always felt silky between his fingers, the way her top lip was slightly thicker than the bottom, the way her skin was marred permanently by the scars she had acquired over the years. He remembered the unconditional love he felt for her, the all-encompassing, irremovable love that she had sewn with every smile, every laugh, every word, every kiss.  
  
Her ghost hands quickened, and the pleasure, the unbelievable joy he felt as she held him again threatened to unravel him entirely, to crash over him like a wave and drown him completely.   
  
Then, it was all over. He felt tears as they streamed down his face silently in shame, in anger, in mourning. His breathing was ragged and shallow, though he hadn't truly breathed since he last saw her. The joy, the pleasure, the illusion was receding from his mind, from his hands, and he was alone again.   
  
She was still dead, and he was still alive.  
  
Just barely.


	3. Heart and Mind

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Sudden questions flowed through her mind like boiling water, as if someone had commenced them by flipping a switch. Thoughts, on. She could vaguely hear a voice saying her name, or at least she  _thought_  it was her name. A cacophony of noise became singular sounds that her ears could distinguish. The buzz of harsh light. The hum of multiple machines. A woman's voice telling her to move, Shepard, we don't have time.

The sounds came paired with complete darkness that surrounded her entirely. She felt her eyelids twitch as she realized they were closed, keeping her from discerning her surroundings, and, though it took immense concentration, she finally willed them to open to the world. Vision and light were unmerciful daggers, making her cry out involuntarily and stunning her with pain. Blinking rapidly to slowly acclimate, she forced her heavy and unresponsive limbs to push her body into an upright position. Vertigo hit her like a shock-wave, and pulsing pain thrummed behind her weary eyes.  
  
Opening her mouth to ask the mysterious voice what the fuck was going on, her jaw cracked and popped with a painful jolt. She lifted her hand to touch her face as she stretched its muscles curiously, feeling new scars underneath her fingers. "Shepard. Your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack," the mysterious female voice dictated. Without hesitation, Shepard complied by swinging her legs over the edge of the medical table, cautiously putting her weight on reluctant feet. Stumbling a bit as she walked, she made her way over to the locker where the woman said a pistol would be.  
  
She armed herself as quickly as her sore body could manage, putting on an unfamiliar set of armor that fit her perfectly. Though coherent and rational thoughts were returning to her disoriented mind, she found herself shooting her way through the station in a confused haze, meeting two men, Jacob Taylor and Wilson. When she found out that the facility, as well as all of its crew, belonged to the human terrorist organization called Cerberus, she knew she should be horrified - outraged, even. But her expression and emotions remained surprisingly passive as she slowly processed the information, her lips pursing together thoughtfully.  
  
"...Why am I here?" were the first words she said.  
  
The man named Jacob shifted uneasily on his feet before telling her the truth, the unbelievable, heart-wrenching truth that shocked her out of the fog.  
  
She had been dead for two years. Not unconscious, not comatose, but  _dead_. Her breath flooded out of her lungs as if someone had punched her in the gut. She felt sick and faint and overwhelmed - but she couldn't show it, especially to these strangers, these terrorists. She was Commander fucking Shepard. She was strong. Brave. She could handle anything, including death, apparently.  
  
So as they moved through the station to find Miranda Lawson, the voice, she pretended that the news of her two-year demise didn't affect her in the slightest. As Miranda killed Wilson, as they evacuated the station, as Shepard met the Illusive Man, she had to act like she was the same strong, level-headed woman that she had always been. But in reality, she was cracking.  
  
She faced the Illusive Man as he finished his explanation, barely stifling the need to vomit and cry, her balled hands shaking minutely. She thought she was going to completely shatter - after all, she  _was_ a walking corpse - but then she turned, and Joker was standing there with that stupid, cocky grin on his face. Her limbs all ached with the desire to run into his arms and find some semblance of home there, but she reluctantly resisted. It would be... unprofessional.  
  
Also, it would probably break him.  
  
So, instead, she walked by his side, feeling a little less like an emotionless zombie and more like the human they had built her to be. Surprisingly, she found herself laughing breathlessly as he made characteristically tactless jokes - jokes about Cerberus, jokes about the "old days," jokes about her death. Each step with him beside her made things seem a little less overwhelming and a little more normal. After all, two years had passed in the blink of an eye. Normal was ideal.  
  
Eventually, he led the two of them to a large window, his eyes sparkling and his mouth curved. She peered into the darkness curiously, glancing at Joker with confusion.  
  
"Just wait," he said nonchalantly.  
  
It wasn't long until a low buzzing hummed behind the glass, filling Shepard's body with unsure expectation. Lights came on, one by one, illuminating what was beautiful and familiar and glorious. Her eyes widened with disbelief, her trembling hands pressing against the window automatically.  
  
_My ship._  
  
She was home.

* * *

_"Garrus, stop babying me. It's just a flesh wound," she tried to assure her concerned friend as they walked through the airlock. "Seriously."_

_She noticed his mandibles twitch in what she guessed was frustration. "Shepard. That bullet went straight into your leg. I'm not blind," he hissed with irritation. "At least have Dr. Chakwas look at it."  
  
Rolling her eyes, she tried to hide the limp in her step as they walked down the stairs and into the mess hall. "It's really nothing," she murmured seriously. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll clean it up," she told him kindly. "I'll be in my cabin if you need anything."  
  
"I need you to take care of yourself," he sighed as she moved away from him and into her cabin.  
  
Once inside, she stripped off her hindering armor and chucked it carelessly onto the floor, too tired to put it away. Hissing as she cautiously touched the throbbing wound in her upper thigh, she examined the hole that was still oozing thick, drying blood. Walking into her bathroom, she grabbed a towel and put pressure on the injury, all the while gritting her teeth to defy the pain. After a few minutes of the excruciating attention, she threw the bloody towel in her waste-bin and slapped on some medi-gel to tighten the wound and stop the bleeding.  
  
Though her itchy eyes begged for sleep, and her muscles ached from exhaustion and painstaking exertion, she knew that sleep still wouldn't come to her (as it hadn't for the past few weeks). The upcoming mission on Feros left her understandably on edge, so she tried to keep herself constantly occupied by anything and everything. Therefore, she put on her casuals and moved over to her desk where her favorite gun lay, beginning to disassemble it in preparation for cleaning.  
  
A slight tap broke her captivation abruptly, and she called out, "It's open," to the unknown visitor. Heavy footsteps followed the whir of cabin door opening, announcing that her guest had entered. Glancing up from the parts in her hands, a small smile crept across her face as joy colored her features. "Alenko," she greeted, placing down the pieces and turning to face him. "What's up?"  
  
"How are you, Commander?" he asked lightly, as if he was attempting to hide a darker insinuation.  
  
She had found over the years that the question was normally loaded, so she stiffened in defense. "Fine," she said, her voice devoid of any emotion. "Why? Did Garrus ask you to check up on me?"  
  
"No," he said with shock at her tone, raising his arms protectively. "I was just worried about you."  
  
Shepard blinked in surprise as a small blush burst across her cheeks without permission. "Oh," she breathed. "Why?" she inquired, her eyebrows lifting with curiosity.  
  
"I heard you were wounded on Noveria," Kaidan said. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright."  
  
"Oh," she murmured again, completely taken aback by his concern. "Well, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me."  
  
"Okay," he succumbed, shaking his head slightly at her stubbornness. She watched as his eyes moved down to the pieces of her gun, his eyes sparking with recognition.  
  
"Is that a Phaeston?" he asked, moving closer to inspect the parts.  
  
"Good eye, lieutenant," she praised, her smile widening. "I love this gun," she said as she began to piece it back together quickly.  
  
"I prefer the M-96," he admitted.  
  
"The Mattock? Why?" she inquired, her eyes moving away from her working hands to stare at him quizzically.  
  
"It's a little lighter. It doesn't hinder my biotics as much," he said, shrugging under her scrutinizing gaze. "It's also much more accurate."  
  
Shepard scoffed and shook her head in disagreement. "That's why you use the scope," she said simply. "Also, the Phaeston has more oomph. I like the power," she stated, her smile twisting into something more mischievous.  
  
"I've noticed," Kaidan said with a grin of his own, making Reila flush again from his teasing.  
  
"You tend to notice a lot of things, lieutenant," she observed, her eyes flashing deviously. She stood and walked to him, sinking into her hip and crossing her arms. "What else have you noticed?" Her flirtatious tone shocked her as it came out of her mouth, but she was feeling adventurous. Daring. Maybe it was because of the adrenaline still lingering in her veins from the previous mission, but he made her feel... unusually happy. Maybe even giddy.  
  
She didn't miss the subtle way his breathing quickened at her words. "I've noticed how ridiculously stubborn you can be," he teased lightly.  
  
"That's not a very keen observation," she noted, subtle amusement coloring her tone. "Anyone who's ever had a conversation with me would know that. Try again."  
  
"I've noticed that you don't let loose much," he said. "You tend to keep to yourself in your cabin."  
  
"I've got a tattoo on my ass that says otherwise, Alenko."  
  
He snickered slightly, though the slight reddening of his cheeks gave away his embarrassment. "I still can't believe you did that," he laughed lightly.  
  
"Neither can I," she snorted. "I'm never that impulsive. I normally think things through thoroughly before I act. I guess that was an exception."  
  
She could feel the air still as Kaidan's mood shifted to something much more solemn. "Why me?" he asked, and she knew he was insinuating more than getting his name permanently inked onto her skin.  
  
Pursing her lips, she could feel herself beginning to erect the walls around herself to keep him from getting too close. This wasn't harmless flirting anymore. "I don't know what you mean, Kaidan."  
  
"Yes, you do."  
  
"I don't know..." she sighed simply. "There's something different about you, lieutenant, and I've known it since we first met." Bringing her hands up to run through her choppy tresses, she exhaled again and closed her eyes briefly, keeping them from meeting his own. "But there are so many regs that state that I shouldn't even be _ thinking _about you, let alone... God. I'm sorry, Kaidan," she said, bringing her eyes down.  
  
"You... think about me?" he asked incredulously.  
  
"All the time, Alenko," she sighed, the sudden gravity of their conversation bearing heavily on her shoulders. "I trust you, and can't deny that I've come to... I've come to care about you. Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. I know how awful that sounds."  
  
She watched as his lips twitched, almost as if he were fighting a smile. "I've come to care about you too, Shepard," he murmured, his voice dropping to a low hum. "I... I know that anything we do could jeopardize the mission, but-"  
  
"There can't be any buts, Kaidan," she said firmly, her heart sinking as his face fell. "We can't... It's not just about the mission. We could be demoted - or _ discharged  _\- for fraternization. You know that," she muttered, trying her damnedest to sound convincing. "I was taught to follow every regulation, regardless of whether or not it feels right. I just don't know if I can defy that part of me," she explained.  
  
"I..." he trailed off, his voice raw and conflicted. "...I understand, Commander," he stated tensely, his eyebrows furrowing with obvious distaste. His change in demeanor was so sudden that it nearly left her with whiplash. She could only watch helplessly as he broke eye contact with her, letting a thick sense of discomfort fill the empty silence between them.  
  
Looking away from him and wringing her hands together nervously, she silently cursed her uptight cautiousness. She had never been a "rule-breaker," per se, and had never thought of herself as such. She _ was _her mother's daughter, after all, and was therefore taught that disobedience (of any kind) was an unforgivable sin. And, honestly, she didn't really mind being so blindly compliant.  
  
Well, she _ hadn't _minded - until now, that is._  
  
_In the end, it was all because Kaidan Alenko had to be handsome and shy and thoughtful. He had to be funny and sweet and available and actually into her. And, of course, he had to be completely untouchable. Off limits. This just made her want him more - she had never been so tempted to damn the consequences and follow her own orders, for once. But, in this instance, her cowardice was stronger than any temptation, no matter how potent._  
  
_"Shepard?" Kaidan's concerned voice interrupted her inner conflict. "Shepard, you're bleeding."_  
  
_Glancing down at her thigh, she sighed in irritation at the blood stain now soaking through her casuals. "I guess I am," she muttered. "Damn geth."_  
  
_"That's... a lot of blood, Shepard," he added, ignoring her nonchalant tone. "Have you had the doc look at it yet?"_  
  
_"No, and I don't need to," she said stubbornly, crossing her arms in defiance. "I'll just use some more med-gel. It'll be fine."_  
  
_"Medi-gel isn't the answer to everything - you know that. Just have Dr. Chakwas patch you up," he insisted, shaking his head crossly. "You won't be able to kill any geth if you can't walk," he teased, offering a small smile._  
  
_Though she opened her mouth to continue arguing, her lips pressed into an involuntary grimace before she could get the words out. She shifted her weight onto her good leg to lessen the increasing pain of the other, knowing that Kaidan hadn't missed the slight movement. "Fine!" she hissed, rolling her eyes. "I'll go. Happy?"_  
  
_He sighed softly with relief. "Very," he admitted. Walking over to her and wrapping his arm around her waist, he murmured, "Here, let me help you."_  
  
_She braced against his shoulder, more than thankful for his solid support but too prideful to say it. And as she limped out of her cabin, she couldn't help but glance up at his face, noting the slight worry lines on his face and his furrowed brow. She hated that she caused him anxiety - he deserved more than that. He deserved someone who would hold him, kiss him, smooth out every line._  
  
_She wanted to be that someone. So, so badly._  
  
_But she was nothing more than a coward._

* * *

Hands moved and touched skin, almost as if it were a foreign substance. Fingers traced unfamiliar scars and eyes perceived new imperfections. This was her body, but it felt alien - like she was a guest in her own flesh. She stood bare in her new cabin, in her new ship, in her new being. The mirror in front of her reflected a once-strong woman, beaten down by death and rebirth.

The eyes were the same deep shade of green, at least. She stared at them, and the mirror-eyes stared quizzically and lifelessly back at her. Her skin was the same flushed, pale color that it had always been. Hands reached up to touch the soft blond hair that was so much longer now due to two years of neglect. Her bangs reached her jaw line, completely overgrown and undeniably strange.  
  
She let her hands run over her shoulders, skimming over the faded, splotchy "N7" which had once proudly marked her skin. Smoothing down her sides and counting each of her ribs, she let the fingers brush gently over the curve of her waist and rest on her hips, where an old scar (from Eden Prime, possibly?) no longer resided. Despite the differences and the similarities, she was solid. Real.  
  
Alive.  
  
Then why did she feel like death was still clawing at her cells, like she was meant to be back in the blackness that she had touched only briefly? She knew she was Shepard, she knew she was breathing, but the air tasted stale.  
  
Miranda tried to explain how they had resurrected her, though Reila hadn't understood a word of her advanced medical vernacular. In essence, she had gathered that her body was comprised of both organic and synthetic matter, making many of her bones and muscles mechanical. With that recollection, the tips of her fingers pressed down on the flesh of her upper arm, attempting to feel the metal underneath the softness of her skin.  
  
Was she a monster? A twisted creature that defied nature? Closing her eyes to the image of herself, she remembered the tone of Tali's voice as they had met on Freedom's Progress. She had sounded incredulous - happy, even. But even that joy couldn't cover the hint of horror that Tali had felt when faced with her commander, two years dead.  
  
Shepard understood, even if Tali hadn't insinuated it intentionally. She had grieved, made her peace, and moved on - Reila's reappearance had only thrown a kink in her otherwise acceptable life. Was this how the rest of her companions, those she had loved so desperately, felt now? Would they be better off without her?  
  
Eyes opened, and deep green met her gaze. She turned, moved, so that she could see the curvature of her spine. To her, it shaped a question mark, the very foundation of her body.  
  
Then, stark against the ivory that was her skin, she saw the mottled words outlined in black ink.  
  
_Kaidan Alenko._  
  
Words flowed through her mind in remembrance. Impulse. Laughter. Love.  
  
She had been trying to keep her mind off of the apparently untraceable lieutenant - or Staff Commander, now - but it seemed impossible when he was literally ingrained in her skin. Though it seemed like only a week ago that she had last seen him, it had, in actuality, been two years. A lot could change in two years, and she knew that. He could have moved on, gotten married, had children... She could barely stand the thought.  
  
He had been her rock, her support, her everything. How could she go on and function without him? How could she do something as fantastic as defeating the Collectors without him? How could she  _live_ without him?  
  
Parted lips that he had always loved to taste released a sigh. Nervous hands that he had held in his own wrung together restlessly. A bare body that he had loved to explore curved inwardly in sorrow. Breath that he had always stolen filled her aching lungs.  
  
A heart that he alone had kept beat a melancholy rhythm.  
  
_I miss you._


	4. I Was Lost Without You

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Garrus, I need to talk to you."

Looking up from the calibrating logarithms on the screen in front of him, Garrus was surprised to see Miranda standing in the doorway of the Main Battery. "Hey. What's wrong?" he asked, characteristically expecting the worst.

"Nothing," she muttered apprehensively. Walking closer to him, her eyes automatically scanned the room, making him feel self-conscious about his work. "I just wanted to see how your calibrations were going."

“They’re fine. The Normandy’s updated guns are ready for anything at this point,” he explained. Watching her gaze slide slowly around the Main Battery, he sighed into the still silence. Rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, he inquired, “Is that all you came here for?”

“Yes,” she said immediately. After her rapid answer, she paused for a moment and sighed, shaking her head. “No, actually.” Crossing her arms and sinking into her hip, she shook her head uneasily. “It’s about Shepard.”

This caught his attention. "What about Shepard? Is she okay?"

“She’s fine,” Miranda exhaled impatiently. “Well, at least I think she is. She’s shut up in her cabin, and she’s asked EDI to hold all visitors and calls.” Her eyes never left his as she spoke, making him shift uncomfortably where he stood.

"Why would she do that?" Garrus asked, confusion coloring his features.

"I… I'm guessing it's about our next mission," Miranda theorized. "I just think you should be there."

"Shepard usually chooses who goes with her," he argued, his mandibles clicking nervously.

"I know," Miranda exhaled. "Regardless, I think you should come."

"Why?" Garrus asked, becoming increasingly more suspicious with every word the Cerberus officer said. "Where are we going?"

He watched as her perfect lips pushed together, forming a thin line. "Horizon, in the Iera System."

Miranda's eyes bored into his, as if this information was magically going to answer all of his questions. "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Garrus asked. "Isn't that just another garden planet colonized by humans?"

“Yes, but that’s not the point,” she said harshly. “I’ve recently come across some very interesting, very... personal information about our commander’s past. Information that I was never supposed to know.”

Shifting her weight to her other foot uneasily, Miranda explained, "I've recently come across some very interesting, very  _personal_  information about our commander's past. Information that I was never supposed to know."

Garrus crossed his arms impatiently, surprised by Miranda’s inability to explain herself. She sighed softly, looking uncharacteristically anxious.

“It’s Kaidan Alenko. He’s stationed on Horizon.”

* * *

_For hours and hours afterwards, she remained shut up in her cabin, leaving her crew alone to worry and wonder and wait. Kaidan was the only one who attempted to see her, tapping lightly on her door later that night, uneasy and heartbroken as he listened for any reply._

_As he expected, no response came. Not pausing for any permission, he opened her cabin door, thankful that she hadn't locked herself in. "Shepard?" he murmured gently into the dimmed room, locking onto her soft silhouette curved up on the bed._

_He moved towards her, stepping over her hastily discarded pieces of armor. In the quiet, he could hear her hushed sniffles and sobs, the outline of her body shaking slightly with the force of each breath. Sitting hesitantly next to her on the bed, he let his hands fall into his lap lamely, unsure of what to say or do._

_"I'm sorry," he heard her choke out from under her arms, her voice scratchy and raw. "I'm so sorry."_

_"For what?" he asked her, eyebrows furrowing with confusion at her apology. "Here - Shepard, look at me," he requested tenderly, placing a flat palm on her shoulder._

_Reila shifted next to him after a few moments, unwrapping her arms from around her body and pushing herself upright. Kaidan let his hand remain on her body as she adjusted, his heart breaking when she finally looked at him. With red, puffy eyes and raw cheeks, her expression was twisted into one of complete devastation, fresh tears constantly rolling down her face._

_"I'm sorry you have to see me like this," she murmured weakly, digging her hand into her hair and shaking her head with disgust._

_"Don't, Shepard," he told her gently, mouth pressing into a grim line. "You have nothing to be sorry for."_

_With a stuttered sigh, she trailed her glassy gaze to his face. "I didn't know what to do, Kaidan. I just…" she forced out, her chest heaving with another sob. "I couldn't."_

_"Shh," he soothed, engulfing her in his arms. She leaned fully into his embrace as she cried, her entire body caving in. "It's alright."_

_"It's not," she hissed against his chest, burying her head into his shirt. "I left her behind to die. She was my friend, and I let her die."_

_"Ash understood," Kaidan argued, tightening his hold on her as his grief renewed. "And she wouldn't want you to blame yourself."_

_"Why shouldn't I?" Shepard asked, voice darkening from self-loathing. "When I had to choose, I chose you. I_ chose _, and now she's dead," she explained, punctuating each word with increasing volume. Her body tensed with anger, hands fisting into his shirt._

_Knowing that he couldn't say anything to change her mind, he remained completely silent and still, heart beating unevenly as a million questions pushed against his lips. He waited patiently as she battled her inner demons, holding her in his warmth until gradually, evenly, her muscles relaxed with a long sigh._

_"But I couldn't... I just couldn't leave you behind."_

_The words were small and strange and slow, shocking him like shot of adrenaline straight to his heart. He was sure she could feel the wild thrum of his heartbeat against her cheek, hinting at the mess she made him into. Then she was looking up at him with wide, watery eyes, looking through him and into him, sending sparks along every one of his nerves._

_He touched her cheek lightly, letting her know he understood, letting her know that he felt the same. Grief was still cruelly coursing through him, pushing and pulling through the both of them, but there was a comfort in the way she looked at him, in the vulnerability she showed._

_And so it was here, clothed with untamed grief and a tear-stained shirt, that he pressed his lips softly against hers, a whisper of peace for two shattered souls. The lightest of touches, the sweetest of sins - giving into desire while their hearts were weak. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't picture-perfect, but it was enough for now._

_Then, they simply held each other, mourning the loss of a soldier, a friend who gave her life so they could come together._

* * *

“Shepard? Wait, I know that name,” the mechanic said, sounding more disgusted than awed. “Yeah, I remember you. You’re some type of big Alliance hero,” he scoffed, crossing his arms.

“Commander Shepard,” a chillingly familiar voice said from out of sight. And then he emerged, real and whole and _here_ , looking almost the same as when she had last seen him. He seemed older, obviously, but also more wearied than she remembered. “Captain of the _Normandy_ , the first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel,” he recited warmly. “You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

“All the good people we lost, and you get left behind,” Delan said snidely, crossing his arms with distaste. “Figures. Screw this – I’m done with all you Alliance types,” he hissed and strode away, leaving Shepard and her crew alone to face Kaidan.  
  
The Staff Commander walked towards her slowly, eyes never leaving hers, and slowed to a stop about a foot from her. Before she could say a single word ( _I’ve missed you I need you I love you so much_ ), he was holding her with a certain desperation. And though they were both armored, she could practically feel the warmth of his body against her skin. “Shepard,” he murmured into her hair. “I thought you were dead. We all did.”   
  
Too soon, it seemed, he was releasing her, and took a few steps back to look at him. “Kaidan,” she breathed, barely believing he was here, in the flesh. “I’ve missed you,” she told him lamely, her words falling flat. “How… how are you? How’ve you been?”

  
She watched as his features twisted with anger, an expression she remembered all too well. “Is that all you have to say?” he asked indignantly. “You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened.” She watched helplessly as he shook his head, eyebrows furrowing with frustration. “I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real.” He paused for a moment, inhaling deeply. “I… I loved you.”   
  
The words that she had always needed to hear stung sharply, making her recoil as if he had slapped her. Each syllable was laced with venom and vehemence, a stab to the heart. _I… I loved you_ , replayed in her mind. Loved, as in, past-tense. He didn’t love her anymore. _Take it back. Take it back, take it-_

She wanted to scream at him, scream out the pain and anger, but she pushed it all down, deep - like she always did. Put on a good show, Shepard.  
  
“Thinking you were dead tore me apart,” he said when she didn’t respond. “How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?”   
  
She felt her own temper flare up, though it was suppressed by the deep ache resting heavily in her chest. She had never - _ever_ \- wanted to hurt him. “I’m… so sorry, Kaidan,” she said sincerely, her voice shaking from untold torment. By the look on his face, she could tell that he could hear it, and his stony facade faltered. “I really was dead. Cerberus spent two years bringing me back.”   
  
“You're with Cerberus now?” he asked, expression hardening once more. “I can't believe the reports were right.”   
  
“Reports?” Garrus inquired. “You mean you already knew?”   
  
“Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy,” he ended, words accusing.

“Cerberus isn’t the enemy,” she said, her tone practically pleading. _Just listen to me, for once!_ “Colonies are disappearing, Kaidan - human colonies - and the Alliance is doing nothing about it. Cerberus is the only group willing to help.”   
  
“You can’t really believe that, Shepard,” he said, eyebrows lofting with disbelief. “We both know what Cerberus is like. What they’re capable of.” Stopping for a moment, she could see conflicting emotions flashing in his eyes, showing her how much this truly hurt him. “I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance,” he hissed, “and you betrayed me.”   
  
“Kaidan,” Shepard begged, “please. You know me.”   
  
Hesitating for a moment, he looked at her as if he wanted to give in, wanted to believe her, but his face hardened again. “I _knew_ you, Shepard. But I don’t anymore.” Another slap to the face, another stab to the heart. “You’ve changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier. Always will be.   
  
“I’ve got to report back to the Citadel,” he changed the subject abruptly, looking over his shoulder to his shuttle. “They can decide if they believe your story or not.”   
  
“Come with us,” she implored. “I could use someone like you in my crew.” _Please. I need you._   
  
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but I’ll never work for Cerberus.”   
  
“Kaidan…” she murmured, but he shook his head in condemnation.

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."   
  
Without another word, the man that she loved so deeply and irrevocably walked away from her - and anything they ever had. Her mouth remained slack as if she were about to scream, plead, cry - but no sound came out. She hoped he would look back, give her some inkling that he still cared, show her that this hurt him as much as it hurt her, but his feet continued to move forward, unceasing, unrelenting.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and then Garrus was there, his touch pulling her away from the fiery wreckage of her heart.  
  
Life always loved to fuck her over.


	5. Both Sides Now

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton_

* * *

At first, he was angry. More than anything.

How could she even  _think_ , for even  _one minute_ , that everything could go back to the way it was? As if he would run into her arms after two years of lies and pain, after two years of her being gone. He had missed her so much, and had started to accept that he’d miss her for the rest of his life. How  _dare_  she come back and pretend like nothing had happened?  
  
Did she not realize how much living without her  _hurt_? Did she not understand how long he had been mad at her for dying and leaving him behind, alone? Did she not comprehend that he  _needed_  her like the sun needed hydrogen to burn?  
  
He was still seething when he stormed into his dingy apartment on the Citadel, cursing under his breath heatedly as blood pounded in his eardrums.  _How dare she?_  kept repeating in his mind, over and over, until it was all he could hear.  _How dare she?_  
  
…But,  _God_ , did she still look beautiful.  
  
Even if she was some AI constructed by Cerberus (which was a theory that had definitely been in his thoughts), she looked almost exactly how he had last seen her. Her hair was overgrown, but it still had the same choppy wildness that he had always attempted to tame.  
  
Hell, she even had the same glowing confidence that he had admired about her since the time he was a young lieutenant. It was also the same stubborn sureness that had frustrated him whenever they had fought.  
  
But he had also seen the vulnerability she accidentally let show whenever he had truly hurt her. Her pain still left the same aching in his chest, the same guilt that he had remembered hating.   
  
A cry left his lips in a rush as all the conflicting emotions threatened to overwhelm him completely. Sitting down on his bed and letting his head fall in his hands, he pitifully attempted to make sense of it all. But how could he make sense of something as convoluted as so-called resurrection?  
  
Deciding that simmering in his frustration was pointless, he pushed himself from his spot on the bed. Frantically, he stripped down to his skin, walking to the bathroom and to his shower. Turning on a steady stream of water, he stepped inside and let the icy water shock him. He leaned his forehead against the wall of the shower, droplets continuing to pound his back as he tried to not think about her, not think about anything.  
  
He still loved her, of course. After all, just a moment of seeing her in the flesh was enough to spin him into this frenzy, this uncontrollable spiral. His love for her had only been buried, adequately pushed down after two years of pretending everything was fine.  
  
But here it was again, resurfaced and burning hotter than ever.  
  
Closing his eyes, he tried to think about  _anything else_ , but all he could see was her smiling at him, her lips touching his skin, her hands caressing his face.  _She will be the death of me_ , he thought his eyes burned behind eyelids.  
  
Thoughts of impossibly green eyes, impossibly soft skin, impossibly encasing love-  
  
Bringing his fist up, it slammed against the wall with a resounding  _thud_. Again it collided; _thud, thud, thud_. He begged for the mercy of a god he didn’t quite believe in for this pain to stop, for his thoughts to cease, for this love to leave him.  _Thud. Thud, thud, thud._  
  
Lifeless tears mixed with water and ruthlessly flowed down his skin.

* * *

_“Shepard, are you ready?” a timid voice asked from the doorway. “Everyone is waiting.”_

_“I’ll be there in a minute, Tali,” Reila called back, and after a moment, the door closed with a whir._  
  
_Reila had been staring at the same picture for the hours now, her tired, dry eyes unable to look away. She wasn’t ready for this, not even remotely. She wasn’t ready to speak to all of them about how brave Ash had been, about how great of a soldier she was, about how deeply she would be missed._

 _It was too much, too personal, too soon._  
  
_She jumped when the door to her cabin opened with a hiss, a sound that left her irritated and weary. “I said I’d be there in a minute,” she said with more venom that intended, closing her eyes in an attempt to control her temper._  
__  
“Ma’am?” a tentative voice called back.  
  
_“Oh,” she said, glancing at him from over her shoulder. “Come in, Kaidan,” she told him, her tone calmer than a moment before._  
  
_He moved to stand behind her, peering over her shoulder at the picture frame. “I love that picture of us,” he murmured next to her ear, his breath tickling her skin. In response, all she could do was nod as her thumb brushed over Ashley’s face. “That was a fun day.”_  
  
_Her bottom lip trembled slightly at his words, betraying her crumbling emotions. She looked at the picture of the three of them, Alliance comrades-in-arms, smiles on their faces as if nothing would ever go wrong. Her own face looked completely giddy with arms encircling both Kaidan and Ashley. Shepard had only recently noticed the light blush on Kaidan’s cheeks and the knowing look on Ashley’s face._  
  
_“We were squad mates,” Shepard said quietly, “but we were also friends. She was… one of the best.”_  
  
_Feeling the pressure of a kiss on top of her head, she forced her eyes closed before any tears escaped. Muscular arms wrapped around her chest, holding her tightly as her body began to shake. “She was.”_  
  
_“Do you…” Reila murmured, shaking her head. “Do you think the rest of them blame me?” she asked softly, opening her bloodshot eyes to look up at him._  
  
_“No one blames you,” Kaidan assured her, “I can promise you that.”_  
  
_“I hope you’re right.” He didn’t respond, knowing that nothing he could say would convince her. “This…” she began wistfully after a moment, her tears dripping onto the screen. “This is the only picture I have with her. At least it’s a damn good one.”_  
  
_“Yeah,” was all he could say, his own voice strained with sorrow. Nothing more was needed._  
  
_“Somehow, I think she knew we would end up together. I think she’s happy for us, wherever she is,” Shepard said thoughtfully as more tears blurred the screen._  
  
_"I think so, too,” he murmured into her hair._  
  
_A heavy sigh escaped her as she moved her arms to brush away drying tears. “I’m gonna miss her,” she said simply into the stillness._  
  
_“Me, too,” he agreed, resting his cheek on top of her head. “Do you think you’re ready?”_  
  
_“Yeah,” she sniffed, prying herself out of his arms and standing. “Let’s go,” she said, setting the picture on her desk gently and turning to the door._  
  
_And in that night, a ragtag family pressed a new plaque on their wall, a new name, and mourned the loss of one of their own, finding solace in each other._  
  
_They would never be alone._

* * *

Garrus was… concerned, to say the least.

When faced with pain and trauma, pushing back emotion was usual for Shepard - so was raging and yelling and throwing things. What was _not_ usual was smiling and laughing and joking.

The whole shuttle ride from Horizon to the _Normandy_ was filled with lighthearted nonsense from her, a reaction that was almost scarier than her anger.

Miranda kept her eyes on Garrus' face as Shepard reminisced about the SR-1 and Kaidan and "good times," almost as if seeing Kaidan had been a reunion, not a soul-crushing rejection. Garrus, of course, knew what Miranda was insinuating with that single look: _this is not okay. She is not okay._

Garrus had known that this was going to be messy from the moment Miranda warned him about Horizon - but he expected more cursing, more crying, _more_.

Shepard headed straight to her cabin once they re-boarded the _Normandy_ , rushing away from everyone in a manner similar to when Ash died. And Garrus followed her, of course, just as Kaidan had. The thought was more than unsettling.

She was sitting at her desk when he entered, wiggling her fingers at Nibbles, the space hamster he had gotten for her birthday. A small smile curved her lips as she watched the tiny creature crawl across her desk, her long fingers stroking the soft fur on its back.

"Shepard?" Garrus said delicately, the word making her jump in her chair.

"Uh, yeah?" she said breathlessly, picking up Nibbles and setting him back in his cage.

"Are you… okay?" he asked her gently, hoping that she wouldn't be stubborn for once in her life.

Walking nearer to him, she shifted her weight to one of her legs and stopped. "Yeah, I'm fine," she claimed with an even voice, her her expression effortless but her jaw tight.

_You never make things easy, do you, Shepard?_

"Are you… sure?" he inquired, mandibles twitching uncomfortably. "You seem a bit off."

"Do I?" she shot back, unfazed.

"Yeah, you do," he confirmed, tone hardening slightly. "And I'm not going to pretend I don't know why."

Her easy smile faltered for a moment, an emotion he could not pinpoint flashing behind her eyes. "Kaidan," she said simply, nodding. "Yeah. Seeing him didn't exactly go how I wanted, but…" she explained, eyebrows furrowing. "But he's made up his mind, and I've made up mine. That's all there is to it."

He watched her for a long moment, not saying anything in turn. "So you aren't upset?" he asked, choosing his words carefully.

"Not really," she responded slowly, her words tight. "He made things clear about where we stood, and now I have to move on."

"Alright," Garrus said, feeling uneasy as her casual smile returned. "Well, I'll get back to the calibrations. You know where to find me if you need something."

"Thanks, big guy," she said kindly, her voice still sounding off. "I'll see you later."

As he left her cabin, more unnerved than before, his mandibles continued to click with worry. She was simply putting on a good show, probably more for herself than anyone else - maybe believing that if she pretended enough, she _would_ be okay.

But she couldn't pretend the pain away, no matter how much she wanted to. Garrus just hoped she'd realize it before it was too late.


	6. The Hope for Something More

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton  
_

* * *

She moved through the days with a smile on her face, attempting to hide the potent helplessness that she felt underneath her skin. As she found the new dossiers and helped her companions resolve their issues, it seemed that her own only intensified with each fake laugh, each forced grin.  
  
She could tell they were worried; even Joker spoke to her as if she were a fragile child needing to be coddled. But this only strengthened her need to hide her pain from them – she was a grown woman with the capacity to handle her own problems. She didn’t need their sympathy, she didn’t need their help, and she  _definitely_  didn’t need their pity.  
  
She just… needed time.

And as time passed by, her poker face became more and more stable, masking an internal chaos that became more and more _unstable_ . It was a cruel game, pretending to be fine while her heart disintegrated slowly and unmercifully. But it was for the sake of her crew, she told herself. _Stay strong for them_.

It was another lie, of course. She was simply hoping that, if she pretended long enough, eventually she wouldn’t have to. She knew, deep down, that she was being naive, but it was easier than facing the truth, facing the pain.

She wasn’t okay.

How could she be, when the man she loved more than _anyone_ just… walked away? It wasn’t _fair,_ it wasn’t...

But thankfully, after about a month, her friends had subtly stopped tip-toeing around her. Apparently, the deep cracks were not as obvious to everyone else as they were to her. That was a good sign. _Maybe_ she was still salvageable.

The only person she had yet to convince was Garrus. He was her best friend and knew her as well as he knew himself. She would catch him watching her whenever Kaidan was brought up, as if she would fall apart at the very mention of his name (though, internally, she did). That just made her want to be more okay than she actually was. To be who she pretended to be on the outside.

And she was... managing. She had acquired the Reaper IFF, a push towards their goal of defeating the Collectors. After all, that's what mattered most, not her _petty_  feelings. Regardless, Shepard was thankful for the down time while EDI installed the IFF, giving her an opportunity to hole up in her cabin, mess with guns, and drink tea. The combination was keeping her from thinking about _him_ , at the least, so she was in higher spirits than normal.

Later in the afternoon, a gentle tap at her cabin door broke her concentration. "Come in," she called out, setting down the pieces to her gun and moving to greet her visitor

Garrus walked in a moment later, a solemn expression on his face and a strange look in his eye. “Uh, hey, Shepard,” he murmured as he stepped inside.

His demeanor made her slightly uneasy, but she hid her discomfort and greeted, “What’s up, Garrus?”

“I just wanted to talk to you,” he stated simply, reaching upwards to scratch his cheek with a talon. She knew what a restless gesture like that meant – it showed that he was uncomfortable with the situation.

“Okay,” she said, trying not to let her suspicion show through. “About?”

“Just... about how you're doing," he said, stumbling through his lie. _Oh, no. Garrus, don't start this._

“Oh. I've been doing fine,” she said, the corners of her mouth pulling into a reassuring smile.

"Okay," he said in response, shifting on his feet. He looked like he wanted to say more, but she knew he always had trouble expressing himself. He never wanted to step on anyone's toes.

"Garrus," she sighed, "I know what this is about. I'm not stupid."

He exhaled heavily, shaking his head. "I know you're not. But Shepard... you haven't been yourself for _weeks_." _Since you saw Kaidan_ , he implied. "I'm worried."

She felt herself falter, a small shift in her expression that he was quick to notice. "You don't - you don't need to be," she forced out. _Lies. More and more lies._

"Please, just _talk to me_ ," he pushed, voice rising in volume. " _Stop_ lying!"

"I'm _not!"_  she ground out, her own temper igniting. _Drop it, Garrus. Please._  "What Kaidan and I had is over, and I've accepted that! I'm _moving on!"_

He stared at her for too long, not speaking, eyes boring into her own. She could tell that he wanted to shake her with frustration, yell until she understood - but he was too level-headed to explode. And she was too stubborn to give in. “Shepard,” he said slowly after a long moment, shaking his head. “Before I went to kill Sidonis, you said to me, ‘This isn’t you.’ You grounded me before I did something stupid. I’m trying to do that for you. I’m telling you, Shepard,  _this isn’t you_.”

“Then you don’t know me,” she said coldly, surprised by the venom in her words.

He flinched as if she had lashed out against him. "Shepard..."

"Please, just leave me alone," she ground out, looking away from him. "Just go."

“...Fine,” he said after a seemingly-endless moment. “If that’s what you want, I won’t bother you anymore.” 

Without another word, he left her, and she was alone.

* * *

 _“Doc?” Shepard called into the med bay, her voice softer than usual. With hazy, red eyes, she walked into the med bay, yawning. “Are you - oh!”  
  
_ _Stopping cold in her tracks, she saw Kaidan sitting slumped-over on one of the cots, his head resting in his hands. “Shit,” she murmured under her breath as he looked up at her, his expression tight with pain._  
  
_“Hey, Shep,” he said, his lips curled into a grimace._  
  
_“Migraine?” she asked softly, trying not to make too much noise._  
  
_He nodded slowly, pushing the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Damn L2. Sometimes it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”_  
  
_Pushing her mouth into a thin line, she felt her heart break for him. “I didn’t mean to bother you. If you need to be alone-”_  
  
_“No, no,” he interrupted, smiling warmly at her despite his pain. “You should stay.”_  
  
_After staring unsurely for a moment, she walked nearer to him hesitantly. He opened his arms, an invitation to join him on the small cot. She sat with him, curling contently into his embrace. “Hey,” he murmured into her hair, a sweet gesture that made her smile._  
  
_“Hey,” she whispered back, tracing the his tensed arm muscles with her pointer finger. She leaned away to look at his face, touching the curve of his jaw. “Are you alright?”_  
  
_“Better now that you’re here,” he said suavely, making her laugh quietly. “Nah, but I’m okay. Could be worse,” he assured her, giving her slender body a squeeze._  
  
_“If you say so,” she hummed, resting her head on his chest._  
  
_“So, why aren’t you on the Citadel with everyone else?” he inquired after a moment, looking down at her._  
  
_“I prefer to be on the ship,” she said honestly, shrugging her shoulders indifferently. “And that’s where the doc is?” she asked in turn._  
  
_“Yeah,” he breathed. “She said she needed to stock up on medi-gel before we head to Ilos. I guess we might need it.”_  
  
_“I guess we might,” she agreed, sighing. “I’ll just have to wait until she gets back, then.”_  
  
_“What do you need from Dr. Chakwas?” he asked. “Everything alright?”_  
  
_Sighing again, she placed her hands in her lap and pointedly stared at them. “I needed more sleeping pills,” she admitted, her face flushing slightly in embarrassment._  
  
_“You can’t sleep?” he asked, and when she nodded, he continued, “For how long?”_  
  
_“The past few weeks,” she confessed warily, her breath coming out in a rush. “I’ve just been so stressed, especially this week. Losing Ash, preparing for Ilos,” she explained. “It’s just a lot to deal with.”_  
  
_“Yeah,” he agreed. “I get it. But you still need to get some rest, with or without drugs,” he told her, trying to tug her down onto the cot with him._  
  
_“What, now?” she asked, confused._  
  
_“Why not?” he said simply. “No one will be back from the Citadel until later, so no one will catch us.”_  
  
_“You rebel,” she laughed, shaking her head._  
  
_“Do I need to offer some incentive?”_  
  
_Cocking an eyebrow, she found it impossible to keep the grin off her face. “What are you suggesting, LT?”_  
  
_Brushing his fingertips along her jawline, he brought her face closer until their lips were touching. Emboldened, she tilted her head to deepen their kiss, eliciting a reverberating noise from inside his chest as he smiled against her mouth._

 _Parting slightly, she relented. “Alright,” She said, letting him pull her down until they were laying, side-by-side. Encircling her arms around his neck, she nuzzled her nose into his neck and inhaled a scent that was so uniquely his.  
  
“Careful, you’ll distract me from saving the galaxy,” she murmured against his skin, grinning.  
  
“Mm… worth it,” he hummed, holding her tighter.  
  
_ _And so they remained, blissfully falling into a seamless sleep._

* * *

It was in moments like these that she wished she had stayed dead.

The picture sat on her desk, staring at her like it was alive and breathing, reminding her of all the things she once had but would never have again.   
  
How could she do this without him? It felt like he had always been by her side, always been on her side, but now… she was alone, facing an impossible task.  
  
And she had ignored all of this empty despair, all of this pointless pain, until it had festered into a monster in her soul, making her incapable of feeling and function.  
  
More than anything, she didn’t want to be alone.  
  
Closing her eyes to the immobile image of the one she still loved, hollow tears ran down her face as she accepted the inevitability that she would never see him again. She would die defeating the Collectors, she knew, and she would die isolated and unfilled.  
  
Sobs wracked her chest as these thoughts crossed her mind, bringing her to an even lower level than she had been on for the past month.   
  
The sound of her cabin door opening caught her attention, and when she looked up, Garrus was standing there. His mandibles were twitching nervously, and his eyes watched her sadly, but he was here. With her.  
  
“Garrus,” she murmured, standing and wiping her eyes. “What…?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Shepard,” he said softly, looking away from her glistening eyes. “I’m so sorry. I just…” he paused, shaking his head. “I can’t stand it when you’re hurting.”  
  
With a shuddering breath, she smiled faintly as uncontrollable tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, too. I was kind of a jackass.”  
  
“Yeah,” he laughed slightly, “you were.” She stood, smiling at him like an idiot, until he coughed lightly. “Um, yeah. I just wanted to tell you that before we get to the Omega-4 relay in a few hours,” he muttered. “Goodnight, Shepard, and get some sleep.”  
  
“Don’t go, Garrus,” she said, stopping him in his tracks. A trembling sob left her mouth, mixing with the laugh that she couldn’t control. Suddenly, she had run into his arms, holding him tightly.   
  
“I won’t,” he whispered, clinging back to her tightly. His plates were most likely bruising her skin, but she didn’t care.   
  
“I… I’m so glad you’re here, big guy,” she admitted.   
  
He was here, he had always been here, and he always would be.


	7. In Love and War

_"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Shepard was not in the celebrating mood.

Though the rest of her crew were drinking champagne and rejoicing in the defeat of the Collectors, she wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed and sleep. Sure, she had surprised herself by surviving the suicide mission without losing anyone, but she didn't think that was worth celebrating. It was expected of her, and she had simply delivered.

Skillfully avoiding her drunk crewmates and blissfully making it back to her cabin, she sat down on her bed with a sigh. Cringing from the pain of the deepest of her new wounds, she lifted the hem of her shirt to see how it was faring. The medi-gel the doc put on her had stopped the bleeding, but it hadn't gotten rid of the throbbing ache.

Exhaling and releasing her shirt, she placed her head in her hands, giving herself a moment to breathe. This new wound, as well as some of the more minor scratches, would scar. Injuries that deep always scarred. Always.

_God_ , she thought,  _isn't that appropriate?_  By this point, she was more scar tissue than anything else. After so many years of fighting and hurting and fighting some more, what else could she expect? And even with all of that, her fight still wasn't over yet. There was still the Reapers to deal with.

One struggle after another, it seemed.

Without warning, bitter tears began to well in her eyes.  _Stop it_ , she ordered herself,  _you've cried enough_. Still, tears flowed down her face and stung the cuts there, making her hiss with pain and frustration.

This battle, though finished in her favor, had beaten her down even more. She couldn't help but think of all that she had lost because of this stupid war - Jenkins, Nihlus, Ash - and all the things she could've had, but now never would, such as a husband, a family, a life.

And somehow, these thoughts brought her to ones of Kaidan.

Gritting her teeth and tightly shutting her eyes, she attempted to stem the flow of tears and the paralleling flow of emotions. Even though she had won the fight against the Collectors, she wished so desperately that Kaidan had been by her side, like he once promised he always would be. She wished that he still trusted her, still loved her, still cared.

She knew these thoughts were dangerous. She knew that they would only lead to more pain and heartbreak, but at this point, she couldn't stop. Not without help, anyway.

So with trembling lips and wet eyes, she stood and walked over to her desk, pulling out the bottom drawer. The offending bottle sat, untouched, and she hesitated before reaching down to grab it. The label read "Serrice Ice Brandy," and a memory of offering it to Dr. Chakwas came to mind.

" _You need it more than I do_ ," she had said, not knowing that Reila didn't drink. " _Enjoy it_."

Shepard had kept it for a possible future gift, seeing as trashing it would be a waste. She hadn't seen the harm in simply keeping it in her room, but at the moment, she knew that saving it had been a mistake.

With a twist of her wrist, the bottle's top was cracked open and hastily discarded. Bringing the opening to her lips, liquid warmth burned down her throat, scalding her from the inside out. Gulping the drink down until she needed to come up for air, her head promptly felt heavier as she steadied herself on the desk's surface.

Her sadness seemed to intensify with the alcohol, and uncontrollable tears continued to stream down her face. Shoulders shook with the intensity of her sobs as she knocked back half of the bottle.

Looking up, the picture of Kaidan caught her eye, and anger shocked her system.

_How… how_  dare _he abandon me?_

Without a second thought, hasty hands grabbed the picture frame and threw it across the room where it collided with the wall, the sound of shattering glass hitting her ears. Reveling in the primal-ness of the action, she seized the desk lamp to the left of her and slammed it into the floor. With a swoop of her arms, datapads were pushed to the floor, their screens flickering from damage.

"Shepard?" a two-toned voice called from the doorway suddenly, making her start and turn. "Shepard, what the hell are you doing?"

"I don't really know," she laughed in response to the turian, stomping on the datapads and pulling from the bottle. She knew how crazy she must look, with a smile on her face and tears running down her cheeks.

"Are you… drinking?" Garrus asked, surprise and concern coloring his expression.

"Hell, yes, I am. It's a celebration," she yelled back bitterly, her voice sounding mottled and mushed.

Shaking his head and coming closer, he said tentatively, "Give me the bottle, Shepard."

"No," she slurred.

"You don't drink."

"I do tonight!" she called back, bringing the bottle to her mouth again.

"Shepard," he said, moving even nearer, and she could tell he was preparing to snatch the bottle from her hands.

"Garrus," she said, mimicking his tone.

"You need to stop," he cautioned, the manner of his voice making her pause.

Unexpectedly, tears were manifesting themselves in her eyes again, and she saw Garrus' eyes widen in horror. "I'm sorry, Garrus," she murmured as wetness travelled down her face.

"Don't be," he said awkwardly, unsure of what to do, seeing as he had never seen her drunk. "I've got your back."

Dropping the bottle and coming in nearer, her drunken brain slowly began to process his words. He… he  _did_  have her back. Always. And he obviously cared about her. So what if…?

Bringing her hands up to rest on his broad chest, covered only by the thin material of a shirt, she looked into his eyes and smiled. "You're always there for me, big guy," she breathed, liking her idea more and more with every inebriated second. Hearing his breathing hitch, she moved one hand upwards to touch his cheek.

"Shepard…" he warned.

"I just…" she whispered, lifting her chin to his level, "I just need…"

Closing her eyes, she brought herself the rest of the way to brush her lips against his mouth. Hearing him make an exasperated noise, she felt the pressure of two taloned hands on her shoulders. Swiftly, she had been pushed away.

"Don't, Shepard," he hissed, shaking his head to straighten his fogged thoughts.

"But…" she whimpered. "Don't you want me?"

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, visibly trying to steady himself. "This is a really bad idea," he tried to explain to her, his resolve threatening to break.

"Why?" she asked vulnerably, tears still running down her face.

"Because," he said, "you're in love with Kaidan."

"But you're in love with me!" she cried out, a sob wracking her chest as she gripped Garrus' upper arms. As the weight and truth of her drunken words fell heavily upon them, she let her arms and head fall.

After a moment of silence between the two of them, she heard the clicking of his mandibles in the quiet. "Come on," he muttered. "Let's get you in bed," he told her, walking her over to her bed and pulling back the covers.

"Only if you stay with me," she pleaded as she climbed into the bed. "Please."

She saw the conflict in his eyes as he thought over what he should do. He sighed after a few long moments, and then he sat down next to her. Opening his arms, she curled into them and exhaled contentedly.

In her drunken state, she didn't realize that this hurt him, didn't realize that there would be consequences of tonight.

All she knew was that he made the pain go away.

* * *

_"Commander?"_   
_  
Looking to the side out of the corner of her eye, she saw the outline of Kaidan in her dimly-lit cabin. Standing slowly and turning to him, she shifted on her feet and crossed her arms. "You… probably shouldn't call me that," she admitted, sighing. "I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."_

_"Yeah, hell of a thing," he said to her, placing his hand under his chin. "We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? I mean, we mutinied, stole a prototype warship, and if they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping," he said with a coy smile on his face. "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"_

_"I just…" she began, shaking her head. "I just keep telling myself we're doing the right thing." Laughing slightly, she added, "I don't think I believe myself, yet."_

_"Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here," he consoled, walking closer to her. "I guess it will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If… if things don't go well," he started, hesitating slightly, "just know that I've… enjoyed serving under you."_

_"Kaidan," she scolded lightly, "why are you still hesitating? You already know how I feel about you." Taking his hand with both of her own, she kissed his palm and looked up at him through thick lashes. "What are you afraid of?"_

_Shaking his head as his breathing quickened, he shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, the regs against fraternization seem kind of petty now."_

_"Hah," she snorted, "I know what you mean. Before… they seemed so confining and final. But now," she said, stepping impossibly closer, "well, I guess we're in too deep."_

_"You know what? You're right," he breathed, "about everything." Moving his free hand up to brush her hair out of her eyes, he looked into them seriously and caringly. "I think about losing you, and I can't stand it," he admitted. "I mean, the galaxy will just keep going. Everything. Even the Reapers will come around again," he said, pausing for a moment and closing his eyes._

_When he opened them again, they were darker and filled with unexplainable emotion. "But you and I… we're what's important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us," he explained, rambling as if he couldn't find the right words to say. "Reila… you make me feel… human."_

_She wanted to laugh, to sing, to grin like an idiot. "Kaidan," she murmured, "you make me_

_feel," she ended softly, releasing his hand and placing her own on his chest. He moved his upwards to tangle in her hair, attempting to bring her closer so he could kiss her. Laughing slightly at his impatience, she put slight pressure on his chest. "Slow down," she teased. "I want to give you something first."_

_Reaching behind her neck, she unclasped the chain that was mostly hidden by her shirt. Pulling something off it and grasping at the chain around his neck, she pulled his dog tags from out of his shirt and placed one of hers on it, finally letting it fall against his chest._

_"If anything goes wrong tomorrow," she began, "this is just so you know that… that I'm yours."_

_"Reila," he gasped out, blissfully crashing his lips onto hers. She made a noise of surprise, her eyes opening wide before she melted into the kiss. Hands fisting around the fabric of his uniform shirt, she pulled his body flush against hers and wrapped her arms around his neck._

_"Kaidan," she whispered against his lips, trying to keep her thoughts coherent through the fog. "Stay… stay with me tonight."_

_"I'm glad you asked," he chuckled breathlessly, "because I wasn't planning on leaving."_

_Laughing as he bent down, she shrieked lightly as he swept her off her feet, carrying her rather unceremoniously to the bed. Dropping her upon it, she continued laughing as he crawled between her legs, the look on his face effectively stopping her giggling._

_Grabbing her face again, his lips were on hers, making her moan hungrily. Feeling impatient fingers on the hem of her shirt, she helped guide it off, his soon following hers. Shuddering as his velvety tongue laved her bare collarbone, her fingers threaded into his hair and dug into his scalp._

_"Quit fucking around, Alenko," she demanded eagerly, completely overwhelmed by delicious sensations. From his place on her chest, he looked up at her with surprise, her tense tone making him pause._

_"Is that an order, Commander?" he asked huskily, his voice raw with lust and need._

_"Fuck, Kaidan," she hissed, "you're driving me mad."_

_"So much for romance," he laughed._

_Snorting, she pulled his chin up to connect their lips again. This time, it was him that let out a throaty groan, the force of it buzzing against her lips. "I want you, Kaidan," she said between kisses, biting at his bottom lip. Tugging at the waistband of his pants and cursing as she fumbled with the button, she finally released him enough for her to touch._

_"Reila," he moaned as she stroked the length of him. As he propped himself up on his forearms, she could see them trembling with the effort of controlling himself. "Oh,_

_god…"_

_After hearing his tone, she knew she was completely done with foreplay. She needed him._

_Now._

_Pulling off her own pants and throwing them away from the bed, she kicked his the rest of the way down his legs. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she felt him pressing against her, the feeling making her gasp._

_Then, he was pushing into her, filling her completely and burning her from the inside out. Her breath came out in quick bursts as he pulled back out, promptly slamming into her again. His lips were suddenly next to her ear as he nibbled his way down her throat._

_"K-Kaidan…" she stammered out as he began a clumsy pace, the friction of their skin coming together setting her on fire._

_She could feel him clutching at her slick skin as he continued frantically, their bodies bustling with pleasure and weightlessness and overpowering love._

_It was in that moment, as his mouth roamed her body and he threatened to overwhelm her irrevocably, that she knew she loved him. She tried to get the words out, tried to tell him how much she loved him, but she was too overcome, too far gone._

_There was no war, there was no Alliance, there was no oxygen; there was only him and her, only Reila and Kaidan, only this moment for them to hold and treasure forever._

_Suddenly, she was shattering and coming undone, with white light splashing across her vision as she cried out with ecstasy. Her release was his downfall, bringing him over the edge with her. He moaned her name as he collapsed onto her, both their bodies shuddering with relief._

_Shifting and turning into his shaky embrace, she kissed the spot where his heart was._

* * *

When Garrus awoke that morning, the bed was cold and empty. Shifting and sitting up, the sound of running water caught his attention as he blinked his bleary eyes. "Shepard?" he called out hoarsely, his voice still thick from sleep.

"I'm in the shower, big guy," she yelled back over the roar of the water. "I'll be out in a second."

"Alright," he answered, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Resting his head in his hands, he couldn't help but worry about last night. She had fucking  _kissed him_. Granted, she was drunk off her ass, but even while inebriated, she had picked up on the feelings he had for her.

"Fuck!" he heard her yell, the sound making him jump.

"What?" he yelled back, confused.

"I have a new wound on my stomach," she answered, and he could hear her exasperation. "I'll heal nicely with some more medi-gel, but it hurts like a bitch right now."

Laughing slightly as the sound of the water stopped, he heard shuffling and humming coming from the bathroom. After a few moments, she emerged, her hair dark and damp. A shy smile rested on her face as she approached him, joining him on the bed.

"Hey," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Hey," he repeated, hating the warm feeling that blossomed in his stomach whenever she was near.

After a few silent seconds, she spoke. "About last night-"

He was shaking his head before she finished. "Don't worry about it."

"But I do," she said. "I just feel so awful."

"Don't," he said softly, trying to keep a straight face. "We'd never work out. Maybe we would've in another life, but…"

"I'm in love with Kaidan," she finished for him. "A lot of good that does me."

"He'll come around," Garrus said, wrapping an arm around Shepard's small, human body. "And if he doesn't, I'll kick his ass."

Shepard snorted obnoxiously, making him laugh alongside her. "Thanks," she said. "So, you and me. Are we…?"

"Good?" Garrus asked. "Of course. You're my best friend," he answered truthfully. He watched as she smiled and made a small noise of agreement, making him squeeze her tenderly. "So what's next for the famous Commander Shepard?" he questioned playfully.

"Well," she said, "I think it's time for me to return to the Alliance."


	8. They're Here

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_The galaxy's time has finally run out_ , Kaidan thought bitterly as he waited outside the defense committee's chamber. Though many had denied their existence, now all would know.

The Reapers were here.

As he watched the people around him pace frantically and talk hurriedly, trying to refute the truth of what was happening, he waited for Anderson to return. Seeing as he was one of the only individuals who had believed Shepard, human or otherwise, Kaidan trusted and respected the man deeply.

He had also been one of the only reasons Shepard was not court-martialed and imprisoned. Thanks to him, she had merely been relieved of duty, which was a light punishment, considering what she had done.

Crossing his arms and shifting on his feet restlessly, he couldn't help but wonder how Shepard had been doing. The reports of what she had  _done_  on the Collector base were… mind-boggling, to say the least. Apparently, she had gone in there to save her crew, succeeded, and then blew the whole damn thing up.

But ever since then, there hadn't been much word on the famous once-commander.

God, he couldn't believe it had been a year since he had last seen her (despite the fact that he had once believed he would  _never_  see her again). Regardless of the way they had parted, he still missed her. Every day. He pondered over trivial unknowns – would she look the same? Would she be happy to see him? Would she be angry?

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally caught a glimpse of Anderson's face as they entered the lobby. Greeting Anderson cordially, Kaidan looked to the side to see a glimpse of the short, glossy hair that he had always loved to run his fingers through. She was shaking the hand of an unfamiliar, masculine man before she turned and caught his eye.

Thankfully, as he smiled stupidly at the woman he had walked away from, her eyes harbored no anger. Quickly changing, unidentifiable emotions flashed across her face as she held a smile of her own and approached him.

"Shepard," he murmured briefly as she came to a stop in front of him.

"Kaidan," she breathed, sounding genuinely happy to see him, though her happiness was tainted by sadness and worry.

"I asked the Major to come," Anderson said. "I thought it might be nice to see a familiar face."

"Major?" Shepard asked, her expression changing to one of confusion.

"You hadn't heard?" the Admiral inquired, in turn.

"No," Shepard said, her voice almost defensive, "I hadn't."

"Sorry, Shepard," Kaidan interjected, trying to allay the tempest that was surely brewing in her head. "It's been…" he tried to explain, trailing off as the words he wanted to say were lost.  _Idiot_!

"That's okay," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "I'm just glad I bumped into you, Major," she said, the formal way of addressing him striking him as cold and strict.

"Yeah," he said simply, "me, too. It's good to see you."

"Yeah," she murmured.

"Admiral?" a red-haired officer interrupted. "They're ready for you."

Nodding, the Admiral led Shepard forward. Keeping a smile on his face, Kaidan watched them go inside, hoping that whatever they decide to do, they'll do quickly.

"You know the commander?" the muscular man said from beside him.

"I used to," Kaidan answered honestly, feeling empty and hollowed out as he said the words.

"Sounds complicated," the other man said.

"It is," Kaidan sighed, running his hand through his hair impatiently. Turning to the man, he straightened and realized, "I never caught you're name."

"Oh. Lieutenant James Vega, Major," James said, saluting his superior respectfully.

Returning the salute, Kaidan said, "Well, lieutenant, I guess we just wait, for now."

"I guess so."

"Lieutenant?" the red-head intruded again. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Ah, sure," Vega said, giving a small wave to Kaidan before following the officer.

Then, Kaidan found himself alone again. Walking towards the large window in the lobby, he leaned a forearm against it and watched the lives outside bustle. Hovercrafts flew, children played, adults mingled. They had no earthly idea of the peril they were in, no conceivable clue of what horrors would soon face them.

The only one who had ever truly known what was coming was Shepard. She did all that she humanly could to save everyone from the biggest threat they would ever face, and no one believed her. She made big risks, such as stealing the  _Normandy_  or joining Cerberus or blowing up the Collectors' base, and still, everyone turned their back on her eventually.

Including himself.

Sighing as his thoughts became depressive, Kaidan watched a dark shadow cover part of the city, confusing him. Looking upwards, he swore his heart stopped as a Reaper – a fucking  _Reaper_  – descended upon them, followed by what seemed like dozens more.

"Holy hell," he muttered, looking over his shoulder briefly to see many more surprised and disturbed faces gazing out the window. Turning back to watch the Reaper closest to him, he bristled as the red light of its cannon flared up. "Get down!" he yelled to those around him as he ran to cover behind the main desk. A red beam cut through the room suddenly, releasing a deafening hum and causing ravenous destruction.

"Everyone, get to the spaceport!" he ordered. "Get to the shuttles!"

Standing and staying covered as well as he could, he ran toward the hangar. It was amazingly terrible to watch the beams terminate its targets so effortlessly as he made his way forward.

In his mind, all he could think was, _please let her be safe. Please let Shepard stay safe_. He knew she was capable – more so than even himself – but still, he worried. He loved her (he couldn't deny it), and he couldn't lose her again.

"What's goin' on?" a deep voice cut through his thoughts. Turning his head while running, he saw the lieutenant running aside him. "What were those things?"

"Those were Reapers, lieutenant," Kaidan explained.

" _Por Dios_ ," he responded with an astonished tone.

" _Major, you read me_?" an unclear voice said over the comm link.

"Anderson?" Kaidan said. "Is that you? Where's Shepard?"

" _She's here too. I'm patching her in_."

Looking at his surroundings, Kaidan reported, "We're almost to the Normandy," he explained as another blast nearly knocked him off of his feet. "I've got Lieutenant Vega with me, but we're taking heavy fire."

" _We're about five minutes out_ ," Anderson announced. " _Husks_!" he yelled, effectively ending the conversation.

They continued to run as hell broke loose around them. Once at the spaceport, they staggered their way onto the Normandy.

"Joker?" Kaidan called out as they entered the cockpit. "You in here?"

"Yeah," a voice answered back. "Nice to see you too, Kaidan," the pilot teased as the ship lurched forward, "but we're leaving."

"Aren't we going to wait for the Admiral and the Commander?" James asked incredulously as the ship took off out of the spaceport.

"We're sitting ducks, here," Joker said. "I got to get my girl into the air. We'll come back around when they get here." Once out in the air, Joker's jovial face soured as he saw the number of Reapers waiting. "Shit," he said as one of them fired their cannon in the Normandy's direction.

" _Major Alenko_?" Anderson's voice said through the comm link. " _We're in sight of the spaceport. ETA: three minutes_."

"We've made it to the  _Normandy_ ," Kaidan said as the same cannon fired again. "Taking heavy fire-" he said, stopping when another Reaper landed right in the ship's path, "-oh, god." Looking at the chaos around him, a thought crossed his mind. "They're gonna take down that dreadnought!" he announced. "Evasive maneuvers!"

Their communication cut off as the ship dove downwards to avoid a blast from an angry Reaper. With he and James holding onto whatever they could as the ship bobbed and weaved, they watched with dumbstruck awe as the dreadnought above them burst into multiple fiery pieces.

"Oh shit," Joker sighed as a projectile came in his direction, hitting the hull with an explosive thud. "Shit, shit, shit."

"The damage is minimal, Jeff," an automated voice said.

"Is that… an AI?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Yeah, that's EDI… It's a long story," Joker exhaled. "One best saved for later," he said tensely as more blazing fragments collided with the ship.

"Normandy, this is Anderson… do you read?" an indistinct voice said over the link.

"Admiral," Kaidan said apprehensively. "What's your location?"

"By a downed gunship in the harbor," Anderson answered. "I'm activating a distress beacon. Send-" he began to say, but the signal was lost.

"Damn it," Joker hissed. "Let's get over there."

As they flew towards the area indicated by the distress beacon's signal, Joker activated the Normandy's guns on a few Reaper creatures below. "Is that them?" James asked, motioning towards two faint figures in the distance.

"I think so," Kaidan said. "Joker, get in close. I'm going down to the shuttle bay to help them onboard."

"Aye aye," Joker confirmed.

Making his way onto the elevator and down to the shuttle bay, he found the shuttle doors already open. Getting as close to the edge as possible, he held out his hand as Shepard lithely jumped aboard.

"Welcome back, Shepard," he said to her as she gained her bearings.

Rotating to face him briefly, she said, "Thanks," before turning back to Anderson.

"Shepard!" he called out.

"Come on," Shepard urged, trying to getting him to hurry.

Watching as a shuttle came to unload more soldiers, Anderson shook his head. "I'm not going." As Shepard stared at him incredulously, he continued. "You saw those men back there. There's a million more like them, and they need a leader."

"We're in this fight together, Anderson," she yelled back, her voice persistent and straightforward.

"It's a fight we can't win," Anderson said while gazing at the destruction around him. "Not without help. We need every species and all their ships to even have a chance at defeating the Reapers.

"Talk to the Council," he finished. "Convince them to help us."

"What is they won't listen?" Shepard asked, a certain desperation adding an edge to her voice.

"Then make them listen," he said with a small smile, hinting at her fierce capabilities. "Now go! That's an order."

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?" Shepard said, trying to keep a straight face.

Pulling out a dog tag from his pocket, he threw it at Shepard, who caught it deftly. "Consider yourself reinstated… Commander. You know what you have to do," he added as she stared at the dog tag in her hand.

"I'll be back for you," she shouted out, "and I'll bring every fleet I can. I promise. Good luck," she ended.

"You too, Shepard."

Then, without another word, Kaidan watched as she saluted the man she respected more than anyone in the universe and bid him farewell. As the Normandy ascended, Kaidan walked away from Shepard, who stood still as a stone - unmoving, unmovable.

* * *

_"I love moments like these. Everything feels so… peaceful."_   
_  
"Mmm."_

_She knew exactly what he meant, of course. It was in these instances that she felt totally at ease, entirely safe, and completely peaceful. She hadn't had many like these in her life, and as he held her in his arms, she knew that fact should be remedied._

_She also knew that there was much to be done before the Reapers arrived. Though she had fought and killed Saren and Sovereign, saving the Council and the Citadel in the process, the battle for the galaxy had barely begun. But for now, Hackett had given her and her crew some shore leave, and she was going to take full advantage of that time._

_So, for now, as they lay in the back-breaking bed in her small apartment on the Citadel, she intended to soak in every moment she could with him._

_"What are you thinking about right now?" he asked her as he fiddled with the fingers intertwined with his own._

_"Hmm… I'm thinking about all the fun we're going to have on this well-deserved shore leave."_

_"Ah. Yes, we are," he said, blushing despite all they had been through. "Anything else."_

_"I'm thinking that you have strong hands," Shepard said, pulling his arm up and kissing his palm. "Soldier's hands. I like that."_

_"And I'm thinking that you have strong everything," Kaidan laughed in turn, kissing her exposed neck and making her giggle. "Um, excuse me Commander, but did you just giggle?"_

_"Shut the hell up, Alenko," she said forcefully, though she continued to snicker._

_"Yes, ma'am," he chuckled, shifting more on his side so his face was opposite hers. "How did a guy like me end up with a girl like you?" he asked softly, his eyes searching hers for any betraying emotion._

_"I don't know, Kaidan," she snorted. "What exactly is a 'girl like me'?"_

_"Well, for starters, you're the first human Spectre," he said, reaching up to run his fingers through her hair._

_"Yes, I am," she agreed, touching her nose to his sweetly._

_"And… you're the Savior of the Citadel," he recounted, smiling at the title._

_"That one's new."_

_"And you're smart. Sexy. Stubborn," he said with a laugh. "You know, all the things that guys dream about having in a woman."_

_"Flatterer," she breathed, loving him more and more with every passing second._

_She kept a lustful eye on his lips as he leaned forward, touching his mouth to hers. Gasping into the kiss, she brought her hands up to cup his face and keep him close. They kept connected until she needed to come up for air, panting and breathless._

_"At least you're one hell of a kisser, Alenko," she sniggered._

_"I aim to please, Commander."_

* * *

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," he said.  _What now_?

"Kaidan…" she said, rubbing her hand on her face with exasperation.

"Don't 'Kaidan' me! This is business," he scowled forcefully. "Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

"What makes you think I know what they're up to?" she asked incredulously, trying not to vocalize her anger and frustration.

"You worked for them, for god's sake," he hissed. "How am I not supposed to think that?"

_You're supposed to trust me_.

"I worked with them, not for them," she muttered back, trying to keep her temper under control. "I needed them to defeat the Collectors. It was a temporary alliance, nothing more."

"That's not true, Reila," he spat back. "They built you from the ground up. Gave you resources, a ship…"

"Let's be clear," she insisted. "I've had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."

"Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth," James chimed in uncomfortably. "No way they've communicated since," he explained.

"Sorry, Shepard, it's just that…" he tried to explain, but the hiss of the decompressing air cut him off.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan," she said forcefully as the platform they were on began to ascend.

"But I can't know," he fought back. "I don't even know who you are anymore."

"Then why are you here, Kaidan?" she yelled, unable to stem the flow of raging emotions inside.

She watched his face as he looked away, his lips pressing together angrily to stop any excessive words from being said. She remembered a time when she used to hold him when he was this angry, and kiss those pressed lips until they released a laugh…

"I don't know," he finally whispered.

"Then I can't help you," she said, walking forward as the platform halted to a stop.


	9. I'm Yours

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

It was madness – the flailing of limbs, the force of biotics, the rushing of breath – as they chased Dr. Eva through the Mars archives and onto the landing platform. But Shepard knew from the moment she saw the Cerberus shuttle in the sky that it was too late.

"She's getting away!" she yelled to her squad mates, hoping that they would have an idea that she couldn't think of, that they could do anything to stop Dr. Eva from escaping with the data. "James?" she said into the transmitter. "Normandy? _Anybody_?"

It was then that the Cerberus shuttle began to take off, leaving her feeling helpless and unnerved. What the hell was she going to do now? How was she going to-

"I got this one!" a voice suddenly declared in her comm link, surprising her and overjoying her all at once. _James! Thank god._

When she looked up, disbelief once again shocked her system as she witnessed James driving the Normandy's shuttle right into Cerberus'. Jumping out of the way of the crash-landing shuttle, the result of the collision was a very satisfying explosion.

As Kaidan assisted Liara off the ground while James began to land his dented shuttle, the Cerberus aircraft continued to burn from the impact. " _Normandy_ 's en route," James told her. "They'll be here soon."

"We need the data," Liara called out as she limped forward, leaning on Kaidan for support.

Turning toward a sudden noise coming from the flaming shuttle, a badly burned, cybernetic Dr. Eva approached from the destruction. Reila watched as Kaidan advanced toward the body, shooting at it agitatedly, but Dr. Eva seemed to withstand every bullet.

Running toward Kaidan and knocking the gun out of his hand, Dr. Eva grabbed him by the helmet and turned him towards the wreckage she had just emerged from. After a moment's hesitation, she began to beat Kaidan against its surface with superhuman strength, making Reila cry out and run towards the Cerberus abomination.

She began to scream between well-placed shots as it dropped Kaidan's motionless body on the ground. "Get – away – from – him!" she yelled primitively, and the robotic figure fell to the ground, defeated. "Get that thing," she ordered James as she ran to tend to Kaidan, who looked unconscious and badly injured.

Throwing him over her shoulder as the _Normandy_ arrived, she hauled him on board, hurrying down to the med bay as quickly as her legs would carry her. _God, don't let him die_ , she thought. _He can't die. Not now._

Once in the med bay, she placed Kaidan's immobile body gently on an examining table. Taking off his helmet so she could see his face, she gasped at how purple his flesh was, despite the protection he had been wearing.

"Oh, Kaidan," she murmured, touching his face and tracing his eyelids. He was breathing, at least. Thank god he was breathing. Closing her eyes to the beaten and battered image the one she loved, she pressed her lips together to stem the flow of emotions.

When she looked up, Liara was there, watching her nearly fall apart. "Kaidan needs medical attention," she said coolly, trying to rationalize with her commander. "We have to leave the Sol system," she explained, and Shepard knew she was right.

"I know," was all she could say. What else could she say when he was dying?

_Was this how he felt when he was waiting for me on the day I died? Did he feel this much pain?_

"The Citadel's the best chance. We can find help there," Liara ended, and Shepard made a small noise of agreement.

"Get us to the Citadel, Joker," she called out calmly, though she was panicking frantically on the inside.

"Roger that," he answered.

"See what you and EDI can find from that thing," she told Liara in turn, and the asari nodded in understanding.

"Commander. I'm receiving a signal from the secondary QEC. I believe it's Admiral Hackett," EDI said.

"Patch him through," she said, looking at Kaidan longingly. "Hold on, Kaidan," she murmured to the still form. "I need you."

* * *

 _"Kaidan, I swear to god!"_  
  
_"Yes, Commander?" he mischievously called out to the fuming woman as he rummaged through the refrigerator, pulling out choice items and placing a pan on the burner._

_Walking into the room in nothing but a tank top and underwear, he laughed at her flushed cheeks and disheveled appearance. "You can't tease me like that and then walk away," she hissed, her eyes sharp as daggers. "Now get back in that bed and finish what you started."_

_"Ah, sorry, but no," he chuckled. "I just started to make breakfast, and I can't let it burn."_

_"Fuck, this whole apartment can burn. I don't care," she scowled, crossing her arms and shifting agitatedly on her feet._

_"You… do not have much patience when it comes to sex, do you?" he asked her with a devilish grin._

_"Hmph. I liked it better when you were shy about this kind of stuff, Alenko," she scowled. "You're too cocky."_

_Trying to hide his amusement, he said, "I can leave if I'm too much for you, Commander."_

_"Don't you dare," she smirked. "I'm not done with you yet." He watched her as she walked nearer to him, sashaying her hips in such a way that it drew his eyes to that erogenous area. Turning off the burner and pushing his ingredients aside, she hopped up onto the counter and gazed at him coyly, giving him a personal and intense invitation to… whatever the hell she wanted, at this point._

_Moving in between her legs, he brought his hands up to tangle in her hair, bringing his parted lips to join with hers. Making a hum of approval, she tightened the muscles in her thighs to hold him tighter against her._

_"Careful, Shepard," he murmured as she moved to attack his neck. "You don't want to start something we can't finish."_

_"Who says we won't finish?" she teased, looking up at him from under heavy eyelashes as her arms snaked their way around his waist._

_"The French toast I was going to make," he snickered as she resumed the kissing of his neck._

_"Fuck the French toast," she breathed against his skin, causing an involuntary shiver up his spine._

_"As erotic as that sounds…" he began, "I don't think that's possible."_

_"Shut the hell up and kiss me, Alenko."_

_"Yes, ma'am," he joked, and he heard her snort before their lips connected again._

_He felt her begin to fumble with the belt on his pants, making him groan as she brushed against him. He pushed against her through the fabric of their clothing, making her cry out quite audibly. "Fuck you," she hissed, trying to regain control._

_"Uh, is this a bad time?" a two-toned voice called from the entryway._

_Turning with a horrified look on his face, Kaidan saw Garrus standing there, looking awkward and ever so bashful._

_"Garrus!" Shepard cried out from flush against Kaidan, pushing him off of her and jumping off the counter, attempting to flatten her hair and clothing. "I forgot you were coming today!"_

_"I can tell," Garrus said simply, his voice portraying an amused emotion that Kaidan would not have expected in this situation. "I'll just come back later."_

_"You sure?" Shepard asked, her voice still breathless and lust-filled._

_Garrus chuckled slightly, nodding. Turning toward the door, he paused and pivoted back around."Oh, and Kaidan?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Don't forget to use protection."_

* * *

She didn't know how long she waited, nor did she know why she was uncertain. All she knew was how fucked up everything was, how chaotic her life had become. Somehow, even in all the mess, she found herself trying to lean on someone who was no longer there. The void he left was gaping and cold.

God, she used to be so strong. What happened to the woman, no, the _Commander_ who could walk into hell and come back unscathed? Currently, it seemed that every fight she went into left a chip in the armor that she had built around herself so carefully, and she was sick of letting her weakness show.

But here she was, standing in the middle of a hospital hallway, with pressure building behind her eyes (don't you _dare_ cry, Reila) and a knot twisting in her stomach. Taking a deep, steadying breath, she entered the room without another moment of hesitation.

The air inside was not unusual to hospital rooms; smelling of antiseptic and fear and death, the stench filled her lungs and threatened to suffocate her. Looking up at the man lying in the bed, the steady rise and fall of his chest calming her nerves and reminding her that _he was alive_.

Walking closer and gazing at his face, the skin there was purple and swelled, but she could still make out the features that made him so beautiful. The high cheekbones. The strong jaw. The thick lips. She missed the way he used to laugh, the way his smile conveyed things for only them to know…

Sitting down in the chair next to the bed, she let her head fall in her hands with exhaustion, with frustration, with regret. How much more would this war take away from her before she had nothing left?

Glancing back up at him as he released a small sigh, she couldn't stop herself from reaching forward and touching his hand, establishing the simple connection that had been severed for so long.

"Kaidan?" she murmured softly, hoping somehow, someway, he could hear her. "Kaidan, I need to say some things to you."

He didn't respond, didn't react in any way, and she was unsurprised. "I…" she began to say, but her voice was overcome by emotion. "I know you're having a hard time trusting me right now, and I understand that…" she trailed off for a moment as she collected her thoughts. "You're a hell of a soldier, Kaidan. We need you in this fight.

"But more than that," she continued, "I don't know how I'd go on without you. I just…" Releasing a sigh, she rubbed the side of her face with exasperation. "There are things we haven't resolved, and I don't know if we ever will. I hope we do, but if we don't… God, I don't know," she muttered distraughtly.

After a moment in the silence filled only by the beeping of the machines, she said, "I love you." Her breath came out in an anxious rush after she said the words, as if he'd awaken and reject her. "I never got to say that, and maybe I'd never have another chance. So…"

Pressing her lips together and standing, she brushed his swollen cheek with her knuckles. "Fight through this, Kaidan." Without another word, she turned and left the room, walking down the hallway and into the lobby of the hospital.

"Commander?" a voice called out, stopping her in her tracks.

Spinning to face the owner of the voice, she was confused to see a doctor in front of her. "Yes?" she asked.

"Were you here to see Major Alenko?" he inquired in turn.

"Ah, yes… Why?"

"I just thought you might be the right person to give these," he said with a knowing look, holding out his hand and placing something in hers. "They were on the Major when he came in, and we needed to remove them for surgery," he finished. "That's all. Good day, Commander."

"You, too," she muttered as he walked away, looking at the shiny object that he had placed in her palm. Realizing they were Kaidan's dog tags, she became even more perplexed. Why would the doctor give them to her?

Inspecting them closer, something peculiar caught her eye. With shock coloring her features, she read back her own name and information on a third dog tag. After all these years…

_…I'm yours._


	10. The Dream

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_"…I love you…"_

The words left her pink lips softly and hesitantly, but she said them all the same. She was smiling at him like she always had smiled at him, like she loved him. It filled him up on the inside and warmed his cold body and brought him a peace he hadn't felt in so long.

"I love you, too," he told her honestly, for he always had and always would.

Without reluctance, she was in his arms with her mouth on his. She still tasted the same, and that knowledge made him smile against her mouth.

Lean arms moved to wrap around his neck and pull him close, and her curvy, toned body pressed flush against him. "Mmm," he hummed as she tilted her head to connect them more completely. Her velvet tongue snaked out to brush against his bottom lip before receding again.

Reaching up to cup her face, he was surprised by the icy smoothness of it. Her lips, now cold, lingered unresponsively against his own.

Pulling away with confusion, he looked at the woman that he loved and gasped with shock. Her skin, always so soft and flushed, now looked shiny and metallic. The green of her eyes glowed mechanically, staring back at him lifelessly.

"Is something wrong, Kaidan?" she asked in her voice, but it was not her voice. It had no emotion, no fluctuation to indicate feeling.

"What… are you?" he breathed, closing and eyes and shaking his head to clear his mind. When he opened them again, the abomination still stood in front of him, smiling in a lifeless way.

Holding out polished hands to embrace him, the fake Shepard tried to move close to him. He stepped away in horror as her metal skin began to melt and run down her body, revealing the synthetic wiring and framing underneath. "I… love you… Kaidan…" it croaked out, still moving toward him with outreached arms.

"You aren't Shepard," he hissed, holding out a gun that suddenly appeared in his hands. "Reila is dead," he told the machine, shooting it in the chest.

Limply falling to the ground, red began to flow around his feet from the bullet hole, staining his clothes with crimson warmth. The features of the creature began to fade back to Shepard's – the same rosy lips, the same plush skin, the same green eyes.

Staring at him with glassy eyes, she moved hands to press on the hole in her chest. Tears streamed down her face as she gasped breathlessly, trying to get oxygen into her punctured lungs. "Kaidan," she panted, holding up a bloody hand for him to take.

Falling to his knees beside her, he grasped her hand as wetness gathered in his eyes. "Shepard…" he breathed out, "Shepard, I'm so sorry…"

_"…I'm so sorry…"_

Gasping out loud as eyes opened abruptly, the sudden change in surroundings left his head spinning. A faint beeping hit his ears as he looked at the white walls and random machinery. Looking down, he realized he was lying flat on a bed, wrapped in a soft white sheet.

A… hospital room?

"God," he breathed out as pounding pain suddenly hit his head and limbs. "It was just a dream…"

Turning his head to the side, he watched the bustling doctors and nurses rush past the window of his room.  _Why am I here_? he asked himself as he groaned from the aching. He tried to shift himself out of the bed, but agony struck him whenever he moved.

Sighing with frustration, he stopped and tried to remember why he was here. Flashes of recollection slowly trickled into his brain, and he tried to make sense of it.

Mars… Shepard… Dr. Eva…

Hearing the whir of the door opening, he turned his head to see a doctor walk in. "You're awake?" the man asked softly.

"Yeah…" Kaidan muttered, his voice thick and raw. "What… what happened?"

"You were attacked by a Cerberus VI on Mars," the doctor explained. "The damage to your neck and spine was severe, as was the trauma to your head and its effect on your L2."

"Oh," was all Kaidan could say, surprised by seriousness of the doctor's tone.

"We've had you in a medically-induced coma until the brain swelling went down," the doctor continued. "You should be fine, according to your most recent tests, but you need to be off your feet for a few more weeks."

"Alright, thanks doc," Kaidan murmured, trying to wrap his head around all that had happened as the doctor checked some of the machinery before leaving.

Rubbing his face with the hand without tubes coming out of it, a heavy sigh left his lips. His heart still pounding from the vivid dream, he took deep breaths until he had sufficiently calmed himself. And still, he wanted nothing more in this moment than to have Shepard stroking his face, humming an old song.

Telling him it would all be alright.

* * *

_Awakening to a delightful smell and an empty bed, she sat up and stretched her tired arms. Switching on the light beside her on the small bedside table, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, moving towards the source of the delectable scent._

_"Kaidan?" she called out groggily as she made her way towards the sounds of popping and sizzling._

_"In the kitchen," he responded with a cheerful tone, making her smile._

_Entering the kitchen, she was surprised to see a wide assortment of foods set out on the counter, looking pleasingly tempting. Looking at the man standing in front of the stove, she laughed slightly at the frilly apron that he had decided to don._

_"Good morning," she giggled, moving behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. Gazing intensely at the bacon in the pan he was handling, she grabbed a burning piece and brought it to her mouth._

_"Hey," he laughed in reply. "Happy birthday, Shepard."_

_"Oh, shit," she breathed. "Is it April eleventh already?"_

_"Yep," he answered. "Happy thirtieth."_

_"Shut the hell up," she shook her head against his back. "I'm not thirty."_

_"Whatever you say, Commander," he chuckled._

_"So…" she muttered, attempting to change the subject. "What are we having?"_

_"Pancakes," he answered, gesturing to the large stack of them, "fruit, bacon, and chocolate cake."_

_"Interesting," she laughed._

_"Oh, and I got you something," he said, pulling away from her and taking the pan off the heat. "And don't look so excited, Commander," he warned her. "It isn't much. But I thought you'd appreciate it."_

_Pulling off the apron and lifting up his shirt, she began to laugh. "Already, Alenko? Can't you wait until after we eat?" He gave her a stern look that ceased her laughing as he turned slightly, exposing the small black letters written on the left side of his hip._

_Reila Shepard._

_"We match, now," he said sheepishly, trying to gage what her surprised expression meant. "I don't know if it's too much, but… I don't know," he sighed. "I guess you did my name on an impulse, and… I feel kind of stupid now."_

_"Don't you dare," she said, shaking her head as a smile crept its way across her face. "This…" she trailed off as she placed her hands on his waist, tracing the tattoo with her right-hand thumb. "This is perfect," she said._

_"Well, good," he began, "because it's, you know, permanent."_

_Snickering obnoxiously, she brought her hands up to cup his face, pulling him down and bringing his lips to hers._

* * *

"Kaidan?" a timid voice called from the doorway, pulling his attention away from Udina. Turning to the source, he was surprised to see Shepard standing there, holding a brown paper bag in her hands.

"I'd like an answer, Major," Udina said stiffly, ignoring Shepard completely. "The galaxy has a need of exception soldiers like you – now, more than ever."

"You'll have it soon, Councilor, I promise," he answered truthfully as Udina walked out of the room.

"Shepard," Udina said bitterly in passing.

"Udina," Shepard responded, slightly put off by the Councilor's hostile tone. Turning back to Kaidan, she murmured, "Hey."

"Shepard, hey," he answered. "You just missed snack time – actually, that's probably a good thing," he laughed slightly as she walked in and sat down in the chair by his bed. "Thanks for coming by."

"No problem. What did Udina want?" she asked. "Still thinking about the Spectre position?" she guessed.

"It's a big honor… a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure," he explained.

He watched as a tired smile crossed her face as she settled into the chair, leaning forward. "Here, I got you something," she said, handing him the paper bag. Inside was a bottle of Noverian scotch, which had always been his favorite. When he looked at her quizzically, she simply said, "Just a little pick-me-up."

"Thanks, Shepard," he said, "that's really great." Placing the bottle on his bedside table, he turned to the woman sitting beside him. "Maybe when I'm out, we can crack it open and celebrate."

As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them as he watched as her face fall in disappointment. "I, um…" she began to say.

"You don't drink, yeah," he tried to amend, though the damage had been done.

_Do I really remember her so little?_

"So how are you?" she blissfully changed the subject.

"I'm so ready to get out of here, Shepard," he said tiredly. "I mean, the doc… Doc says I'm good to go, but then he always find 'just one more test' to run."

"You doing okay?" she asked, concern coloring her voice.

"My implant got a little… rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."

"Want me to bust you out?" she teased, laughing slightly.

"I'll let you know," he answered.

"You know, it's good to see you're going to be okay," she told him, her voice slightly off.

"Yeah, I would've asked you to come, but…" he began, trying to find the right words. "You're always so busy," he settled on the lie.

"Yeah," she muttered, and he knew he was hurting her.

_Will we ever be the same again?_

"You… almost died on my watch," she started to say. "It was horrible to see."

"Yeah, seeing something like that changes you," he said, instantly hoping that the insinuations of his words weren't too obvious. After a few moments of still silence, he sighed. "I think it's time for you to go, Shepard. I'm tired."

As he watched the sting flash across her eyes, she pressed her lips together to stop the flow of emotions. He knew he was being cold; he knew he was intentionally causing her pain, but why? To get back at her for being dead all those years? For leaving him behind?

Or for coming back?

"Okay," she said apprehensively, her voice small. "I, um, I'll see you later."

"Yeah."

He watched her stand and turn towards the door, though she hesitated before she exited the room. "I…" she began in a wounded voice before stopping. "See ya, Major," she said finally.

As she left the room, he wanted to scream he was sorry, wanted to pull her back and kiss her until she was breathless. But he couldn't. His damned pride, his damned pain… he just couldn't let her back in.

So he let her walk away.


	11. Worth Fighting For

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

_Welcome to hell,_  was all she could think as she shot the husks attempting to swarm her. Menae looked almost as bad as Earth, and, according to General Corinthus, their casualties were just as high. Having just fixed the tower for the General, she said into her comm link, "General, do you read? The comm tower is now operational."

" _Much appreciated, Commander. I'll contact Palaven Command_ ," the two-toned voice said into her ear.

"Let me know when you've got something," she said in response. "I'll help your men till I hear from you."

" _Understood_ ," the General confirmed.

"Shepard out," she ended as a wave of husks wildly approached her squad. Holstering her pistol and arming her Phaeston, she sent a plethora of bullets into the abominations that charged her. Feeling a sudden, grasping weight on her back, she jumped slightly as the husk slammed its fists onto her armored shoulders.

"James!" she called out, hoping that he would notice her dilemma and help her out of it.

"On it, Commander," she heard him say with determination, and after a few well-placed shots from the lieutenant, the husk fell to the ground with a thud.

"Thanks," she yelled over her shoulder, aiming at another surge of the creatures. As one after one fell to the ground, she realized how ineffective her shots were proving to be. "Damn it," she muttered and put away her assault rifle.

Letting out a rather dramatic battle cry, she charged toward a pocket of them and began to strike them down with her armored forearms. Activating her omni-tool, she impaled a husk that was attempting to grab her.

" _Commander Shepard, come in_ ," Corinthus said in her ear.

"Go ahead," she said breathlessly as she continued beating down the enemies surrounding her.

" _I have information from Palaven Command. Please return ASAP_."

"On our way," she answered, her breath coming out in pants. "Let's go," she said to Liara and James before running toward the base camp, indicating for them to follow.

Once inside, Shepard watched as turian fighter ships flew overhead, making their way to a destructive Reaper in the distance. Shaking her head with sympathy ( _will this war ever end?_ ), she continued to the General, who was waiting in one of the make-shift stations.

"What have you got?" Shepard asked the General as she approached, internally praying for good news.

"As your partner said, succession is usually simple," he said, and Shepard's hopes fell. "But right now, the hierarchy's in chaos – so many dead or MIA."

Her patience starting to wear thin, she sighed. "I need someone – I don't care who, as long as they can get us the turian resources we need."  _Damned politics._

"I'm on it, Shepard," a familiar voice said in approach. "We'll find you the primarch."

"Garrus!" Shepard exclaimed warmly, smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. Damning the consequences and the regs, she strode forward and gripped him in a thankful, yet brief embrace. Stepping back, she saw Garrus' mandibles move into what she had learned was the turian equivalent of a smile.

"Vakarian, sir-" the General began to stutter. "I didn't see you arrive…"

"At ease, General," Garrus said formally, his voice commanding and firm.

"You have no idea how good it is to see you," Shepard said in turn. "Although, I thought you'd be on Palaven."

"If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven. I'm the closest damn thing we have to an expert on Reaper forces, so I'm… advising," he explained briefly.

"James," Shepard said, inviting him to come forward, "this is Garrus Vakarian. He helped me stop the Collectors. He's a hell of a soldier," she ended, nodding as the two shook hands.

"Lieutenant," Garrus greeted. "Good to see you too, Liara."

"Good to see you in once piece, Garrus," Liara said cordially.

"General Corinthus filled me in. We know who we're after," he began.

"Palaven Command tells me that the next primarch is General Adrien Victus," Corinthus jumped in from next to Garrus.

"Victus? His name's crossed my desk," Liara connected.

"Know him, Garrus?" Shepard asked.

"I was fighting alongside him this morning," Garrus said. "Lifelong military. Gets results, popular with his troops," he said, pausing for a moment. "Not so popular with military command – has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy."

"Regardless of his popularity, he might be the only way to save Palaven. And Earth," Shepard theorized, her voice containing hints of desperation.

"He'll do whatever it takes," he said, his mandibles lifting again. "Reminds me of an old human Spectre I knew."

Laughing slightly, she shook her head. "I'm not sure if that's a good thing, Garrus," she joked. "Okay. Let's get him on the shuttle and get out of here."

" _Commander! Shepard, come in_ ," Joker called over the comm link.

"What do you need, Joker? We're in the middle of a war zone," she answered back.

" _We've got a situation on the_ Normandy, _Commander_ ," he said seriously. " _It's like she's possessed – shutting down systems, powering up weapons. I can't find the source_."

"I need the  _Normandy_  standing by; we may have to bug out," Shepard sighed tiredly.

"Should I go back and take a look?" Liara offered.

"Do it," Shepard agreed. "Garrus, you said you were with Victus this morning?" she asked as Liara ran towards the shuttle.

"Yeah, but we got separated. He went to bolster a flank that was breaking," he said. "Could be anywhere out there."

"We're trying to raise him, Commander," Corinthus said from his post.

Suddenly, a screeching noise caught all their attentions. "Incoming Harvester, headed for the air field," James called out, pointing at the source of the noise.

As it flew down, coming increasingly close, every soldier in the base unleased the full power of their weapons at the creature. It increased altitude, dropping something just outside of the camp and flying away.

"General," Shepard told Corinthus. "Tell Primarch Victus we'll rendezvous here. In the meantime," she said, "let's go take care of whatever that thing dropped off. Coming, Garrus?" she offered, smiling slightly at her old friend.

Unsheathing his sniper rifle, he smiled. "Are you kidding? I'm right behind you."

"Hell, yes."

* * *

_"Mom?" Reila called out into the spacious office, secretly hoping that she wasn't in. "You here?"_

_"Reila?" a voice called back, and Shepard cursed inwardly. "Come in," her mother commanded, and Reila obeyed._

_"Hey, mom," she said as she approached her stern-faced mother. She was sitting at her desk, a few datapads spread in front of her, her mouth a thin line and her greying hair pulled back in a tight bun. "How are you?"_

_"Things have been hell lately," the older marine said, her lined face hinting at a smile. "Ever since Saren's attack on the Citadel a few weeks ago, well… you know," she said as Reila sat in the seat opposite of her mother's._

_"Yeah, I know," Reila said awkwardly, wanting her mother to be too busy for this social call._

_"So what have you been doing on your shore leave?" the captain asked._

_"Visiting… friends," she said, hoping her hesitation wasn't too obvious. "You know, letting myself go some," she laughed uncomfortably._

_"Not too much, I hope," her mother said. "I didn't raise you to be lazy."_

_"Of course not, mom," Reila said, mindlessly and anxiously thumbing her dog tag._

_She watched as her mother's hawk-like eyes honed in on her hand, her eyes flashing slightly with anger. "Honey," she said, her voice level, "why are you missing a dog tag?" she asked._

_"I, uh, gave it to a… friend," she said, her reluctance much more prominent._

_"A 'friend'?" she asked, her voice raising slightly. "Reila, don't lie to me. Councilor Anderson told me about you and the lieutenant."_

_"How did he-?" she began to ask, but the cold look her mother gave cut her off._

_"How he knows is not the point, Reila. The point is your blatant disregard of the regulations that specifically forbid this."_

_"Is that why you asked me to visit?" Reila asked indignantly, standing with fury. "To lecture me on regs?"_

_"Have you even thought – for_ _one second – how this could affect you? Your career?"_

_"Yes, mother!" Reila yelled. "But I don't really care anymore."_

_"Well, you should. Think about everything you've done, all you've done up to this point. Would you really squander that on this… fling?"_

_"Kaidan's not a fling," Reila shouted. Allowing herself a moment to breathe, she calmed herself and spoke with a lowered voice, "I love him, mom."_

_"'Love'?" she asked with a taunting tone. "Love is fickle, Reila. You should know that," she said, her eyes daring Reila to contradict her._

_"Just because_ your _love was fickle doesn't mean mine will be," Reila snapped, hoping that her words would hurt._

_After a still moment of silence, her mother shook her head. "It was nice seeing you, Reila," she hissed, "but I think it's time for you to go."_

_"I agree," Reila said, turning towards the door._

_"And Reila?" her mother said, making her pause._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Think about what I've said. End this thing before it's too late."_

_Sighing, Reila murmured as she left, "It already is."_

* * *

"Hey, Garrus," she called out from inside the Main Battery. "You in here, big guy?"

"Yeah, Shepard," he answered back from deeper inside. She walked towards his voice, and when she found him hunched over (probably calibrating something), he looked up and said, "Hey."

"So how are you, Vakarian?" she asked coyly.

"I'm alive, Shepard," he answered, his voice cynical. "I guess that counts for something."

"Yeah, I understand," she said as he continued fiddling with some wires. "Didn't waste any time getting back to work, I see."

"After what I've been through lately, calibrating a giant gun is a vacation. Gives me something to focus on," he explained and stood, turning to face her.

"We're going to need you for more than your aim," she said, trying to keep her tone light.

"Oh, I'm ready for it, but I'm pretty sure we'll still need giant guns," he said teasingly, "and lots of them. Sovereign didn't go down without a fight. And I doubt a thousand more of his friends will be any different." After a moment, he said, "Still not convinced I should've left Palaven behind."

"I know, Garrus. It was hard leaving Earth, too," she said. "But we have to deal with all this political shit before we can actually kill anything," she said bitterly. "Anyway, I hear you're their 'expert advisor' now?"

"Just followed your example, Shepard. Yell loud enough, and someone will eventually come over to see what all the fuss is about," he joked, making her laugh slightly. "Not that they'll actually do anything about it."

"Until hell shows up at their door," she grinned ironically. "Then they put you in charge."

"Not like the old days, is it?" he asked turning and walking to the central part of the Main Battery, and she followed. "Rogue Spectre and C-Sec agents running and gunning outside the lines, making it up as we went along." He paused for a moment, laughing somewhat. "I guess we're actually respectable now."

"It's not like things will be any easier because of that," she sighed.

"I know," he said, exhaling. "But when have they ever been?"

"Never," she chuckled.

She leaned against the railing as he began to work again, and the air between them fell into a comfortable silence. She couldn't help but think just how  _good_  it felt to have him back on the  _Normandy_ , back with her.

She had really missed him.

"So, uh," she heard him begin to say, "I don't want to bring up any unpleasantness, but how's Kaidan doing? I hear he was injured on Mars."

"Yeah," she mumbled. "He suffered severe trauma to his head and neck. Things got… pretty close," she explained, trying not to relive any of the pain his near-death had brought.

"Has he woken up?"

"Mmhm," she confirmed. "I actually visited him a couple days ago. He was… distant, to say the least. He asked me to leave ten minutes in."

"Jackass," she heard Garrus mutter to himself, and she smiled faintly in response. "But he's going to be okay?" he asked louder, intending for her to hear his words.

"Yeah," she answered. "Udina wants him to be a Spectre."

"Do you think he'll want to come back to the  _Normandy_?" Garrus inquired, and she shook her head.

"I really don't know, Garrus," she sighed. "It didn't really seem like he wanted anything to do with me." She watched as Garrus' mandibles clicked anxiously, his hands curling into fists with anger he had never gotten to express to the Major. "Regardless, that's a problem for another day."

"Yeah, I guess it is," he said simply. "Anything else you needed, Shepard?"

"Nope," she answered. "I'll let you work."

"Alright, Shepard. See you later."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I would really appreciate any comments etc.... I've been feeling so down lately by the lack of response I get, and it gets harder and harder to write chapters because of that. I love you all!!


	12. When Kalros Comes

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Hey, Shepard," he said cordially as she walked into the room. Though his body still hurt like a bitch, he was upright and standing, and that was saying something. "If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon," he said, his voice still unintentionally holding resentment towards her.

"Good to hear," she said apprehensively.

"Maybe you already saw the vid," he began, "but I accepted Udina's offer."

"Spectre Kaidan Alenko," she said cheerfully. "That's a big deal."

"Only the second human Spectre…" he muttered, almost to himself. "It's humbling. Udina thinks they may have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. And he says the celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto," he explained, trying to keep his tone conversational.

"Are you ready to take on that responsibility?" she asked, and though he knew she didn't intend her comment to be doubtful, her distrust angered him all the same.

"Why? You don't think I can handle it?" he inquired, his voice fluctuating with irritation.

"No – that's not what I…" she breathed, stopping for a moment. "Don't put words in my mouth, Kaidan."

"I'm sorry," he said, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders. "It's just that you set the bar pretty high. But I'll do my best." He paused and let the strain between the two of them diffuse a bit before he continued. "It's strange – on Mars, I should've died. The promotion from Anderson, the Spectre status…" he trailed off. "These are terrible days. But I've been lucky," he told her truthfully.

"You're perfect for the job," she praised, cocking a hip and crossing her arms. "On Eden Prime, I knew there was something special about you. You're a good soldier," she said, and he could hear the honesty in her voice.

Somehow, her praise only made his annoyance hotter.

"Thanks, Shepard," he said tightly.

"Although, I thought you might want to join the  _Normandy_ ," she said softly, trying not to pressure him.

"Yeah… I just don't know if that's where I'm meant to be, Shepard," he said tentatively. "It might've been, before, but now…"

"Yeah," she murmured, her voice low and her face falling. "Yeah, I understand. You're a different person, now," she said thickly, and he could tell that she was trying to not let her emotion show through.

"Yeah, I am," he said.

"Hey, Kaidan?" she inquired. "Can we actually talk for a minute?"

"About what?" he snapped.

"About  _that_ ,"she hissed. "About the way you've been treating me, about how angry you are at me!"

"And why shouldn't I be angry?" he asked, his own temper flaring. "How can I possibly trust you after all I've been through?"

"All I did was  _die_ , Kaidan!" she yelled. "It was something I had absolutely  _no control over_."

"Do you have any idea how much your death hurt, Reila?" he shouted back. "And just when I thought that I could live without you, just when I thought I was getting over you dying, you  _come back_."

"Again, something I had no control over."

"Sometimes I just wish you never came back," he spat.

"So are you saying you wish I were dead?" she said, making a cross expression and pushing her lips into a thin line.

"All I'm saying is that it would make my life a whole lot easier!" he called back, hoping the words would sting, hoping she would hurt as much as he had hurt.

"Wow, okay," she said, her voice unnaturally calm. "I think I should go," she murmured, trying to keep her tone level. Turning towards the door, she began to walk away from him, possibly for good.

"Shepard…" he said, realizing how far he had crossed the line. "I didn't…"

"Yes you did," she said with her back still turned to him, though she had stopped moving. "And just to let you know, I wish I never came back, too. Every day." Rotating slightly, he was unnerved by the stony look on her face. "And although I did come back, that could change in a moment's notice, Kaidan, because I'm in the middle of a goddamn war."

"Reila…"

" _Don't_  fucking 'Reila' me," she said coldly, as though she as trying to compensate for her pain. "I don't know what you want from me," she continued, "but I'm done." Turning away from him, he heard her say, "Goodbye, Kaidan," as she walked through the doors, her voice sounding strangely off. He watched her hesitate, as if she would say more, yell more, but she then continued to walk forward.

Leaning his forearm against the window, he sighed and closed his eyes, regretting what he did and didn't say. He couldn't just let her back in, could he?

What if he lost her again?

There was just too much time between them, too much shit in the way for things to ever go back to the way they had been. So, the logical thing would be to cut her out of his life and stop thinking about her.

He wished it could be that simple.

* * *

_He found her curled under the covers, eyes wide open in a blank stare, cheeks bright pink from the friction of tears. Sitting down next do her curved form, he murmured, "Hey," and rubbed her back through the sheets. "You okay?"_

_"Yeah," she said in a small voice. "I think so."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, brushing her short hair out of her face with a gentle touch._

_"Not really," she muttered, closing her eyes and nuzzling her face into the covers._

_"Okay," he said, kicking off his shoes and lifting up the covers next to her. Shifting slightly, he was soon spooned around her, the blankets enveloping the both of them. "Then we'll just lay here."_

_After a moment of silence between them, he felt her body start to tremble. "Shepard?" he asked soothingly. "Shepard, are you alright?"_

_She turned to face him, and he saw tears running down her already-raw face. He felt the soft pressure of her hands on his neck, as if he was the one who needed to be comforted. "Yeah, everything's fine," she answered, smiling through the tears. "I'm just so happy with you," she told him._

_"I'm happy with you, too," he said, confusion coloring his features._

_She simply continued to smile as the tears fell down her face, and she nuzzled her nose into his neck. "Mmm…" she hummed, and he could feel the vibration through her lips on his skin._

_Cool fingers brushed his cheeks and guided him down to her mouth, where they connected. Bringing his hands up to cup her face, he brushed away the wetness there and angled his head slightly to better join them._

_Feeling her shift, she was suddenly straddling him, the tears on her face falling on his due to gravity. He felt trembling fingers grasp at the hem of his shirt and struggle to pull it up, and he aided her in pulling it over his head._

_Then, she was kissing him again, her hands running up the smooth plane of his chest and latching onto his broad shoulders._

_"I don't want to let you go, Alenko," he felt her murmur against his lips, and the words made him pause. Though she was fumbling to make short work of his pants, he grabbed her hands to still them._

_"Hey, hey," he cooed as her face twisted into a grimace, a sob wracking her chest violently. "It's okay."_

_"No, it's not," she cried. "The whole galaxy is against us, Kaidan. I'm the Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre. People expect too much from me," she wept._

_"What is this about?" he asked, his voice laced with concern._

_"My mom knows about us," she sniffed. "She wants me to end things before this gets too messy."_

_"Oh," he said, a knot tightening in his stomach. "And?"_

_"I… don't know…" she muttered, her words shaky and uncertain. "She found out because Anderson knows."_

Oh, god.

_"Listen, Shepard…" he breathed. "I kind of pushed you into this. You wanted to follow the regs. So… what happens next is completely up to you," he said dejectedly._

_"Shut the hell up, Kaidan," she laughed slightly, wiping away the last of her tears. "You didn't push me into anything. I'm with you right now because I want to be," she righted._

_Sighing internally with relief, he smiled at her. "So, what does that mean?"_

_"It means," she said, holding his face, "that I'm not letting you go."_

* * *

They each stepped out of the tomkah, looking at the Shroud and the Reaper looming in the distance. Even Shepard had a pit in her stomach, completely unsettled by the impossible task they were facing.

"Anyone have a plan B?" she head James say as he walked forward, in awe of the scene before him.

"I know we've beaten the odds before…" Garrus said. "But getting to that tower… I don't know," he ended, sounding completely unsure and somewhat terrified.

"We're curing the genophage no matter what it takes!" Wrex said stubbornly. "Everything my people will ever be depends on it."

"Then I hope this idea you were talking about is a good one," Shepard said, her tone slightly biting.

"It was hers, actually," Wrex said, pointing to Eve.

"Kalros," Eve said simply. "We summon her to the Reaper," she said, as if it were a small feat.

"Would that even work?" Reila asked skeptically, crossing her arms.

"Already discussed strategy," Mordin interjected, defending the female krogan. "Just need to distract Reaper, draw it from tower while cure synthesized, released."

"What makes you so sure she'll come?" Shepard asked.

"Legends say she is the mother from which all thresher maws spawn," Eve said. "This is as much her home as ours."

"If Tuchanka has a temper, Kalros is it. Nobody's ever faced her and survived," Wrex added.

"We flew through the Omega 4 relay and survived. We can do this," Shepard said, trying to convince herself as much as her squad.

"That's the spirit, Shepard," Wrex said, laughing heartily.

"How would we summon her?" Shepard asked.

"The tower was built in an arena devoted to Kalros' glory. The salarians thought she would scare away intruders," Eve explained.

"Appears to have worked," Mordin spoke.

"There are two maw hammers there, the largest in existence," Eve clarified. "If you can activate them, Kalros will come. That should distract the Reaper."

"Meanwhile, laboratory nearby. Will finish synthesizing cure," Mordin ended.

"Let's make sure we all get out of here alive," Shepard said, a hint of a smile on her face. "We're going to have one hell of a story to tell."

"Wait-" Wrex stopped her, "I want you to know that no matter what happens… You've been a champion to the krogan people, a friend of Clan Urdnot," he continued, "…and a sister to me. To every krogan born after this day, the name 'Shepard' will mean 'hero!'" The two clasped hands tenderly, and Shepard smiled at the scarred krogan. "Now let's show them why!" he roared, slamming his fists together.

Suddenly, an inhuman sound caught her ears. They turned to see a swarm or ravagers charging towards them, making screeching noises. "Go!" Wrex yelled. "I got this!" Abruptly, he, too, was charging. " _I am Urdnot Wrex, and this is my planet!_ " was his battle cry, and as Shepard rotated to leave, the last thing she saw was Wrex striking down a ravager ferociously.

Soon, she and her team were running through the ruins of the ancient temple, jumping over slabs of stone and ducking under crumbling archways. "Let's do this!" she exclaimed as a cluster of Reaper drones fell from the sky in a fiery ball.

Dropping behind a fallen column, she began to swiftly fire at the multiple cannibals that moved towards her, her squad following suit.

" _Shepard, I took care of the rachni_ ," Wrex said through their comm link. " _But someone has to raise those maw hammers before you can use them!_ "

"We're kind of busy, Wrex!" she yelled breathlessly as she rolled out of the way of rapid fire.

" _Lucky for you, I'm here – I'll handle it_ ," Wrex grunted.

As the last cannibal fell, they continued and ran up a disintegrating staircase. Unexpectedly, Mordin's voice was in her ear. " _Shepard, some luck! Original strain in storage. Preparing the cure now_."

"Make it quick, Mordin! They're all over us out here," Shepard commanded.

As they moved forward, they made their way across a collapsing bridge. "Holy shit! Off to the left!" she heard James yell as she jumped over a large crack in the overpass.

Looking where James pointed out, she saw the Reaper's beam just in time. Jumping out of the way as the cannon cut cleanly through the stone bridge, it began to collapse underneath her feet. As she fell, she held her hands out to catch herself when she hit the ground. Standing and shaking her aching muscles, she heard the heavy footfalls of her companions jumping down to join her.

"Everyone alright?" she asked James and Garrus.

"Fine here," Garrus grumbled. "Er, mostly."

"I just got shot by a Reaper," James said, his voice harboring complete disbelief.

"Consider that practice," Shepard managed to joke through the pain.

" _Okay, Shepard. I raised the hammers_!" Wrex said loudly. " _You have to activate both of them. My advice it to avoid the giant laser_!"

Snorting as she ascended another staircase, she saw the hammers to the right and left of her in the distance. "Come on!" she yelled to her crew as she began to sprint forward. As she got nearer to the first hammer, the sky began to rain blazing pods of Reaper drones while the Reaper continuously fired at them.

"You've got to be kidding!" James bellowed as he dodged the fire of a group of marauders.

"Just keep moving and stick to cover!" Shepard called out as she charged forwards, trying to avoid all of the mayhem and chaos unfolding around her.

"Are we really doing this?" he asked her as they crouched behind a toppled pillar, hoping that the cover would give them a moment to breathe.

"Hell, yes, we are, Vega!" she yelled, looking in incredulity as something began firing at the Reaper. Turning around, she watched as a squadron of turian fighters flew overhead, continuing to fire.

" _Commander, this is Artimec Wing_!" a voice said in her ear. " _We'll try to give that Reaper something else to shoot at_!"

"I knew they wouldn't give up," Garrus said as they jumped over the pillar, continuing towards the hammer.

As more Reaper husks fell from the sky, Shepard found herself abruptly face-to-face with a brute. "Shit!" she yelled, unloading a clip of bullets into the creature.

"This is crazy!" Garrus yelled as he dealt with another.

Spearing the brute with her omni-tool, it fell to the ground with a sickening thud.

"Watch out!" she heard James warn.

"Holy fuck!" Shepard exclaimed as she found herself surrounded by a group of three more brutes. "Just keep running!" she ordered her teammates as she weaved around them. "There's too many of them to kill!"

Hearing the vicious growls of the brutes, cannibals, and marauders they left in their wake, Garrus joked nonchalantly, "I don't think they like being ignored!"

"Well, they cans suck my – fuck!" she exclaimed as one of the legs of the Reapers struck down in front of her. "Holy fuck shit!" she yelled out as she ran around it, adrenaline pumping through her veins at an especially fast pace.

"Easy, Commander," James teased. "It's just a Reaper."

"Very funny, lieutenant," she answered as they approached the first hammer. Activating it, she said into her comm, "Mordin, we hit the first hammer! How's it coming?"

" _Almost have cure. Eve's vital signs dropping. Trying to compensate_!" he responded.

"Okay," she ended. Signaling her team to follow, she ran in the opposite direction, towards the second hammer.

"Aw, hell!" James shouted as more brutes approached them.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled as something heavy and thick strike her side.

"Augh!" she screeched as she felt the brute puncture her armor, cutting deep into the flesh of her side, possibly snapping a few ribs.

"You okay?" Garrus asked.

"I'll live!" she answered back, grimacing. "Keep… keep running!"

" _Shepard, get that second hammer going_!" Wrex ordered.

"There's a Reaper in my way, Wrex!" she responded, her aching legs moving as fast as humanly possible.

" _I know! You get all the fun!_ " he teased.

After what seemed like an eternity of running and weaving through hordes of enemies, they arrived at the second hammer. As she triggered it, she told her squad, "Go, get back to the truck! I'll take care of the cure!"

Though they hesitated for a moment, they didn't resist as they turned and ran in the opposite direction that she was moving.

Feeling a quaking in the earth as Kalros emerged in the distance, the Reaper began to move towards her, directly over Shepard. She watched in awe as Kalros dived back under the ground right as she approached the Reaper. Then, she reappeared, slamming the Reaper with the full force of her body.

They both tumbled sideways, nearly hitting Shepard as she continued to trek forward. Staying out of the line of site of both the monstrous creatures, she jumped down a now-collapsed bridge and made her way towards the Shroud.

The Reaper above her twisted violently, sending Kalros crashing into the tower, forcing the colossal thresher maw to retreat back into the earth.

Just as Shepard was almost at the Shroud's entrance, she watched as Kalros reemerged from behind the Reaper, striking it down. Kalros then began to constrict the Reaper with her long body and started to drag the malfunctioning machine down into the ground with her.

Shepard had to take a moment to process what she had just witnessed as the last of Kalros disappeared with the Reaper.

Shaking her head, she turned and walked inside the Shroud, where Mordin came in running from another area to meet her. Without saying anything, he proceeded to furiously work on the console in the main room.

"Mordin, is the cure ready?" Shepard asked hopefully as he continued to work frantically.

"Yes. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for Eve, but not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable," he explained without looking up.

"She's okay?" Shepard asked, breathing a sigh of relief at all he had just told her.

"Headed to safety now. Her survival fortunate," he said, his mouth curving upwards slightly. "Will stabilize new government should Wrex get any ideas. Good match; promising future for krogan," he praised.

"Damn!" Shepard yelled as a piece of the ceiling came crashing down.

"Control room at top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up," he described as he looked at her, his eyes showing understanding, peace, and acceptance.

"You're going up there?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes," he began. "Manual access required. Have to counter STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispersed properly."

"Mordin, this whole thing is coming apart. There's got to be another way!" she pleaded with the salarian doctor.

"Remote bypass impossible. STG countermeasures in place. No time to adjust cure for temperature variance," he said, pausing and looking down. "No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear. Explosions likely to be… problematic."

As he began to walk towards the elevator, she followed, exclaiming, "Mordin, no!"

"Shepard, please," he said, stepping in the elevator and turning to face her. "Need to do this. My project, my work, my cure, my responsibility." He hesitated for a moment, a smile gracing his withered face. "Would have liked to run tests on the seashells."

"I'm sorry," was all she could say.

"I'm not. Had to be me." He sealed the elevator, waving slightly. "Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Goodbye, Shepard."

She watched the elevator ascend, and she knew she had to leave.

"Goodbye, Mordin."


	13. We're Not All Gonna Make It

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Hey, Shepard. Got a minute?"

God knows she would've said no, she really would've, if it had been anyone other than Garrus. He had seen her at her worst, so she didn't really care if he was there. He stood in the doorway, big, plated turian that he was, and she knew he was here to make sure she was alright.

A sigh left her parted lips. "I'm fine, Garrus."

"That's not what I asked," he said lightly.

"Yeah, whatever. I've got a minute," she said, her voice a monotonous hum. Watching him warily as he entered her cabin, she turned completely in her chair and stood. "So what's up?"

He exhaled, and she knew that meant he was about to say something generally unpleasant. "I'm really worried about you, Shepard."

"I'm fine, Garrus," she repeated, hoping that this time he'd actually believe her.

"No, you're not. After all that Kaidan put you through, and now Mordin…" he trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. "You know, I just wanted to make sure you were… okay."

Trying to keep her rising temper from blowing out, she took a deep breath before speaking. "Yeah, Garrus. I'm really fine. Really."

"Shepard…" he murmured, stepping closer to her.

His inability to believe her, coupled with her exhaustion from the day's events, only caused her anger to flare. "Fuck, Garrus!" she exclaimed. "Do you  _want_  me to break like the fucking  _china doll_  that you think I am?"

"I don't think you're a china doll," he backtracked. "You're the strongest person I know."

"Then why are you always coddling me?" she asked.

"Because I've seen you fall apart before," he explained, his voice almost pleading. "You're not made out of stone, Shepard. And I might be the only person that knows that."

"You might be the only one that cares," she mumbled, and she saw his face darken.

She knew he wanted to punch something as his hands curled into fists. "Hell, Shepard, you know that's not true. Anyone on this ship would be there for you if you let them in," he explained. "But you don't. You block us out and pretend that everything's fine. Well, Shepard, I'm calling your bluff. I know that everything's  _not_  fine."

She sighed, feeling herself succumbing to the debilitating emotions Garrus was forcing her to feel. "Death happens," she tried to blow him off, but he wasn't having it.

"Yeah, it does," he hissed. "But Mordin was a friend. To you and me," he told her, his voice dropping to a low hum. "I can't pretend that I'm not… shaken by his death, and you shouldn't either."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked him abruptly, her temper flaring brightly. "That I miss him? That he was a good friend and now he's dead?"

"Just admit that you're not okay," he said, "so I can help you."

"I have to be okay, Garrus, can't you see?" she growled seriously. "The whole fucking  _galaxy_  is depending on me for survival. I can't just fall apart every single time something goes wrong," she said bitterly. "Not anymore."

"Okay," he hissed, "fine. I just thought you might need a friend."

Shepard sighed as he turned to walk away. "There's a lot of war left to fight, Garrus. And god knows not all of us are going to make it."

* * *

_There was nothing but panic rushing through her mind as she entered the apartment, her trembling hands holding the shopping bag tightly. Moving almost robotically, she walked into her bedroom, where she sat down lifelessly on the bed and dropped the bag by her feet._

_Though she should've been unsurprised that Kaidan was there, his voice saying her name and breaking her trance shocked her and made her jump. "Reila?" she heard him say again from the living room, this time with a little more force._

_"Yeah?" she yelled out, her voice coming out as shaky and unsure. "I'm in here."_

_Hearing his soft footfalls approach the bedroom, she let her head fall forward into her hands as she sighed heavily. "What's going on?" she heard him say with concern from the doorway. She didn't answer and remained in her pathetic position._

_She hear him move towards her, when she reluctantly looked up at him, he was crouched on the floor in front of her. Taking her hands in his, he kissed each of her knuckles before murmuring, "Hey."_

_"Hey," she said as she smiled softly at him._

_"Care to tell me what's wrong?" he asked her simply._

_Inhaling deeply, she shook her head. "It's… probably nothing," she thought aloud._

_"Okay?" he breathed, moving to join her on the bed. Wrapping his arm around her waist, she leaned into his embrace and sighed. "Is it that serious?" he inquired._

_"I… probably not," she answered, once again avoiding the direct question. After a moment, she turned her head slightly so she could kiss his neck. He didn't say anything, giving her the chance to tell him what was wrong. "Kaidan?" she finally spoke. "I think I might be pregnant," she admitted._

_After a few moments of stagnant silence, he still hadn't spoken. When lifted her eyes to look at his face, she was surprised to see his eyes closed and his brows furrowed with anger. Reaching up to touch his face with a soft hand, his eyes abruptly snapped open as he jumped to his feet and began to pace._

_"It's okay, Kaidan," she tried to soothe, completely unnerved by his rage._

_"No, it's not," he hissed, rubbing his face with his hand. "It's really not."_

_Taking a calming breath as he continued to pace, she tried to keep her composure as he lost his, considering she was already panicking on the inside. "We'll get through this, Kaidan," she tried to assure him._

_She watched as he paused and made a strangled noise of frustration, running his hand through his hair and closing his eyes again. "Shit," he cursed with vehemence, his complete loss of control truly upsetting her._

_"Can you please stop?" she asked, her voice trembling. "I'm barely holding it together as it is, and you really aren't helping," she tried to say steadily, though her voice broke on the last word._

_He opened his eyes to look at her, and when he saw her feeble state, his expression changed from one of anger to one of sympathy. "I'm sorry," he said, moving over and kissing the top of her head. "I'm just… so mad at myself for doing this to you," he admitted, shaking his head and pursing his lips. "I should've been more careful," he hissed._

_"Oh, hush," she said, relieved that he wasn't mad at her. "It takes two to tango, Mr. Alenko," she said, amusement dancing behind her words. He moved to sit beside her again while letting out a nervous laugh, and she leaned her head onto his shoulder. "Have we sufficiently calmed ourselves?" she teased._

_"Yes," he chuckled more effortlessly as she felt him relax. "So… do you…?"_

_"I bought a test," she answered, pointing to the bag by her feet. "I guess I should…"_

_"Yeah," he agreed._

_Sitting up straight, she nodded and leaned down to reach into the bag, pulling out a small, long box. "Be right back," she said, her voice shaky and stale. She walked into the bathroom, and, after a few moments, returned with the test in her hand._

_"How long?" he asked, and he sounded like he was speaking through cotton._

_"Two minutes," she answered, returning to her spot beside him. She saw his eyes automatically hone onto the tiny screen where the results would be displayed – either his savior or his conviction. Sighing, she felt his hand move to rub her back soothingly, though she knew he was feeling just as panicked as she._

_"God, I'm not ready for this," Kaidan admitted after a moment of silence, his eyes looking at her apologetically._

_"I know," she responded, "neither am I."_

_Of course, she had thought of having children, being a mother. She had just never imagined this part of her life coming so soon, interrupting all of the adamant plans she had conjured for her future. She had always intended to have been married for at least three years before kids could even be brought up, considering her and her husband's careers._

_Making a noise of frustration as time passed impossibly slowly, she felt the pressure of Kaidan's mouth on the base of her neck, calming her some. She looked at him - the strong, smart, loyal man for whom she had fallen so hard – and had the sudden realization that, no matter what happened, everything would be alright. After all, she would never love someone as much as she loved the sexy lieutenant; she knew that for a fact._

_But… if she was pregnant, what kind of mother would she be, coming from such a dysfunctional family? "I hope… I hope I'll be a better mother than mine," she said aloud, wanting Kaidan to truthfully allay her fears._

_"You will be," Kaidan said without hesitation. "Who wouldn't want the great Commander Shepard as their mom?" he asked. She could feel him watching her face as she laughed anxiously, shaking her head. "But in all seriousness… you'll be a great mom," he told her. "You're strong, compassionate, caring, protective, nurturing…"_

_"Everything mine wasn't," Shepard said bitterly, though she smiled at him despite her anger._

_A small beep came from her hand, and her head snapped down to look at the small screen._

_Negative._

_"Thank god," she breathed, feeling the tension evaporate from her stiff limbs. "Thank god."_

_"I know," he said, his own voice small and disbelieving._

_Dropping the test and turning to him, she grabbed his face and crashed her lips to his unexpectedly. When she pulled away slightly, she rubbed her thumbs along his cheekbones and simply smiled at him._

_"What?" he asked her, slightly unnerved by her staring at him._

_"Nothing, it's just that… maybe one day…" she said, trailing off. "We_

_could have a family together. Not now – not anytime soon, actually – but maybe one day."_

_"Yeah," he murmured, his eyes shining. "Yeah."_

_"After all, our babies would be sexy as hell."_

* * *

From the moment he got out of bed that morning, everything had gone to hell.

Getting an urgent message from the Council at 0600 hours is never a good sign (nor is it a good sign at any time, he'd assume). Pulling on his armor and grabbing his assault rifle, he headed to the Embassies to be with the Council members.

When he arrived about at around 0730 hours, Udina had an unreadable expression on his face, while the rest of the Councilors looked panicked and frightened. "Major Alenko, thank the Goddess you're here," Tevos, the asari Counilor, breathed.

"Where's the salarian Councilor?" Kaidan asked, confusion coloring his features. "What's going on?"

"We're not quite sure," Udina interrupted, his face stony and blank. "But Valern never made it here."

"What do we know?" Kaidan inquired.

"Early this morning, there was a distress call from many stations. We think there are intruders on the Citadel," Sparatus answered. "We think they might be Cerberus. They-"

The turian Councilor's words were cut off as an explosion resounded through their meeting room, causing its occupants to sway from the blast. Looking up, Kaidan saw assault troopers jumping down through the new gaping hole in the ceiling.

"Everyone," he called out loudly, "move! I'll cover you!" Grabbing his rifle and loading it, he began to send bullets through the advancing Cerberus lackeys as the Council made their escape.

"… _surrounded. Send help…_ " a voice said through the static on his comm link.

"Councilor Valern?" he asked as he ran through the doors after the Councilors, leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake. "Is that you? What's your position?"

" _…assassin… after me..._ " the salarian's voice said over the comm, the connection fading in and out.

"I'm coming, Councilor!" he assured the salarian, changing the frequency on his link. "Is anyone on this frequency?" he asked as he simultaneously shot a phantom in the head. "I need immediate assistance! Cerberus has us surrounded. I have the Councilors."

Static was his only reply.

"Shit!" he exclaimed as more assault troopers flooded into the area. "Get to cover!" he told the Councilors as he began to shoot into the mass of enemies.

He was panting by the time all the Cerberus operatives lay dead, and he scourged their corpses for information and ammo.

"What do we do, Major?" Tevos asked as she emerged from her place behind an overturned table, her pretty face marred by cuts and bruises and worry.

"We keep moving," he said simply, "and hope that reinforcements come soon."


	14. The Impasse

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Thane!" Shepard screamed, a jolt of panic jabbing straight into her gut. Shooting at her unknown assailant, she ran down the staircase in the middle of the room and onto the balcony after him. He didn't slow as he reached the edge – instead, he jumped off the edge recklessly. She stopped at the edge, looking down and cursing as a hovercraft rushed upwards, the attacker safely on top of it.

Shooting at the man as the hovercraft continued to elevate, the assailant stood and crossed his arms. The hovercraft moved forward and away, and though she was shooting at it in vain, another gun was being fired from behind her. Turning to see Thane propped against a wall with gun in hand, she ran to him as he slid down the wall helplessly.

Kneeling down in front of him, her hands hovered helplessly over his body. "How bad is it?" she asked, and she knew they could both hear the panic in her voice.

"I have time," he coughed. "Catch him," he said, his eyes catching hers as he nodded.

"Shepard?" Bailey said through the comm link in her ear. "What's going on up there?"

"Thane needs medical help fast, and I need to take care of an assassin," she explained to him, standing and smiling reassuringly at Thane.

"He must be going after the rest of the Council," Bailey said, frustrated.

"Get the word out," Shepard began, "Udina's trying to seize power." Glancing at the faint outline of the assassin's getaway craft, she continued, "I've got to get to the Councilors."

As she reassembled with Liara and Garrus, Bailey said, "They're being taken to a shuttle pad on the Presidium." Seeing an unattended hovercraft waiting on the balcony, she moved towards it. "Start driving. I'll try to raise them on the comm."

Getting in the car as the comm link between her and Bailey cut off, she sat in the driver's seat and started the vehicle. Liara sat beside her as Garrus piled into the backseat, and Shepard set a course to the Presidium.

The ride was short and relatively quiet before Bailey interjected. "I've got a fix on the Council's position. I'm sending it to your car."

"Good work, Bailey," she answered, glancing at her coordinates. "We're almost there."

A few moments later, the entire car shook as the previous dark assassin landed on it, unsheathing his sword. Shooting at the hood of the car as the assailant jumped towards the trunk, she opened the car door as Liara took the wheel.

Continuing to shoot in the general direction of the assassin as he moved, he raised a force field that deflected all of her bullets. He then stabbed the engine of the car as another positioned right above theirs. The assassin jumped into the other car as Shepard's began to lose altitude.

Shepard shifted back inside of the car, retaking the wheel. Steering as best as she could, she crash-landed the car in front of a sporting goods store, the rest of her crew making disgruntled noises. Getting out of the car and rushing into the Presidium, she watched as the assassin and a few Cerberus operatives stepped into an elevator. He simpered at her as she ran towards the elevator, but the doors closed before she could reach him.

Looking over at her crew members, Garrus had gotten the door to another elevator open, revealing the shaft inside. Turning on her flashlight and jumping down onto the elevator below, Bailey made it move upwards, towards the assailants and the Councilors.

Sabotaging the assassin's elevator and fighting the Cerberus operatives that jet up to meet them, Bailey finally indicated that she was approaching the Councilor's elevator. Leaping across the gap and onto the other elevator, she rolled out of the way of gunfire through the ceiling.

The elevator slowed to a stop, and she began to undo the latches on the emergency hatch. Jumping down through it, she let her crew members through as they chased after the Councilors.

"Cerberus took out the shuttle," a familiar voice called out. "Everyone back to the elevator! Move!"

Entering the open shuttle dock, Shepard turned and sealed the door behind her and her crew before turning to look at Kaidan, who was pointing a gun at the group of them. She immediately raised her own weapon at Udina, who looked angrier than ever at her.

"Shepard?" he asked, confused and slightly alarmed, his weapon lowering slightly. "What's going on?"

"Shepard's blocking our escape!" Udina yelled out quickly. "She's with Cerberus!"

_Shit._

"Just, hang on – I got this," Kaidan said, straightening his weapon again as he circled her and her crew. "Everyone calm down," he ordered.

"I can expain this, Kaidan," she said slowly, hoping to reason with him before they did something they'd regret.

"Come on, Shepard," he said. "Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad."

Sighing and lowering her weapon, she gestured for her crewmembers to do the same. "We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled," she began to clarify, "all of you." Stepping a bit closer to the armed and dangerous Major, she continued, "Udina's behind this attack. The salarian Councilor confirmed it."

"Please," Udina said agitatedly, stepping forward. "You have no proof. You never do."

"There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they'll kill you all," she explained harshly, pointing toward the sealed door.

Udina glared at her as the asari Councilor began to speak, "We've mistrusted Shepard before… and it did not help us."

"We don't have time to debate this," Udina hissed, moving towards a console. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

Raising her weapon again, she sent a pleading look to Kaidan, who sighed dejectedly. "I better not regret this," he warned.

"You won't," she assured him as he turned to aim his weapon at Udina.

"Udina, step away from the console," he ordered.

"To hell with this!" Udina growled, beginning to override the console. The lock behind her began to beep as the override processed. The asari Councilor stepped towards Udina, grabbing his arm and stilling his motions. He pushed her away furiously, his eyes manic and his teeth bared. He pulled out a gun and aimed it at the asari, making everyone tense.

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan yelled.

 _Come on, Kaidan,_  she thought.

And then he shot.

Sighing inwardly with relief, she stepped forward and ordered, "Get the Council back and cover that door!"

"The door!" the turian Councilor yelled as a cauterizing device cut through the lock.

Aiming her assault rifle at the door as it opened, Bailey stood there, his stance mirroring her own. "Bailey?" Shepard asked, lowering her weapon.

"Made it as fast as we could, Shepard. Looks like you, ah…" he said, glancing at Udina's body, "…took care of things."

"Something's not right," the asari Councilor interrupted. "You said Cerberus was targeting us – where did their soldiers go?"

"Cerberus was right here," Bailey clarified, "but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured we were coming." He stopped for a moment and crossed his arms, his mouth curving slightly. "Sorry, Councilor. I'll say it plain – Shepard just saved the lot of you."

"Then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard," the turian Councilor said plainly. "I owe you both a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven."

"You don't owe me anything, Councilor," she said sincerely. "Times like this, we all stand together."

"Commander, do you have any idea why the Illusive Man would do this?" he asked.

Exhaling, she shook her head. "No, I don't." The turian Councilor nodded his head slowly in acknowledgement, his face solemn. "But," she continued, "I plan to find out."

Without another word, she walked towards the elevator as Bailey issued orders to the Council. Catching Kaidan's eye, she knew they were both thinking the same thing.

_What… just happened between us?_

* * *

_He awoke that morning to a wandering hand tracing patterns on his bare chest. Opening his eyes to the smiling vision in front of him, his lips curved into a tired grin that rivalled her own. "Hey," he murmured as her hand travelled up to his cheek, her thumb running along his cheekbone._

_"Hey, babe," she crooned, her eyes widening as he laughed heartily. "What?"_

_"'Babe?'" he asked, slightly breathless from laughter. "Where did that come from?"_

_He watched as her cheeks flushed faintly, her mouth pursing with distaste. "I don't know. Don't make fun of me," she warned._

_"I like it," he laughed again, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. "It's endearing."_

_"It better be," she mumbled, slightly put off from his teasing. Shifting her head slightly as the console on her desk beeped, she scooted off of the bed and walked to the console._

_Shamelessly appreciating her scantily-clad body, she glanced at him briefly with a teasing expression on her face before looking down at the screen. He watched as her eyes scanned the screen, her demeanor changing from her previous playfulness to a subdued uneasiness._

_"Everything alright?" he asked after a few moments, but her eyes didn't meet his own as she held up a hand to quiet him._

_He observed as her eyes widened before she immediately pulled on her casuals from the night before. "I got to go," she said coldly as she grabbed her pistol, walking out of the bedroom and toward the front door._

_"Hey!" he called out, pushing himself out of bed and rushing after her. "What's wrong? Where do you have to go?" he asked worriedly._

_She glanced back at him for a moment, murmuring, "Don't worry." She then pulled open the door, walking out of the apartment and leaving him alone._

* * *

Walking into the docking area of the  _Normandy_ , Shepard was unsurprised to see Kaidan leaning against the window, a somber expression on his face. "Hey," she murmured. "I wondered where you went. What's up?" she said nonchalantly, trying to avoid the inevitable explosion between the two of them.

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," he said, his face contorting slightly with frustration.

"You… sound angry," Shepard muttered, shifting on her hips feet and crossing her arms.  _Surprise, surprise._

"Not… angry," he said, tiptoeing around the word. "It's just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone…" he trailed off, and she was unsure of where he was going, "with someone like you. How it all went down, it's got me… I don't know."

Sighing slightly, she unfolded her arms and watched him as he started a slow pace. "Okay," she said, "let's talk about it.  _Really_  talk about it."

"If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would've taken me out," he said honestly, his eyes searching hers for… what, exactly?

"I would never," was all she said, but he shook his head.

"I don't know if I believe you, Shepard." She scoffed, and he raised his eyebrows questioningly. "What?"

"You don't believe anything I say anymore," she growled, trying to keep a lid on her temper. "You don't trust me. The last time you saw me, you told me you wished I had stayed dead. I just… I don't know why I put so much faith in you when you have none in me."

"I'm sorry for saying… what I said," he choked out, averting his eyes from hers. "And believe me when I say I  _want_  to have faith in you."

"Then why don't you?" she asked, taking a small step towards him.

"Because..." he began to say, "I don't know."

"I think you do," she said, crossing her arms stubbornly.

"Shepard," he sighed, "don't."

"Don't  _what,_  Kaidan? Aren't you sick of this? Aren't you sick of fighting?" she said hurriedly, her voice higher than normal.

"Of course I am!" he yelled back.

"Then just tell me what's wrong so we can move past this!" she shouted, her tone pleading.

His spine straightened and his brow furrowed. "I don't know if we can," he said coldly, and she could tell he was retreating back inside himself. She knew because she did it, too.

"Don't be like that, Kaidan. Tell me what's wrong. Please," she begged, and she cheered inwardly when she saw compassion flicker behind his eyes.

"I don't know, Shepard…" he muttered, looking away from her prying eyes. "We just pointed guns at each other. We would have never done that… before."

"What's really bothering you about what happened?"

"I shot a Councilor," he hissed, closing his eyes.

"You saved a lot of lives in the process," she told him. "That's all that matters."

"Sometimes, the way a thing goes down  _does_  matter," he said, his eyes opening just to narrow slightly in anger.

She watched his reaction with astonishment, barely resisting the urge to punch him in the face. "I'm guessing you're not talking about Udina anymore," she all but growled. "You're talking about me and how I died."

The silence seemed to push them apart even further, widening the void that continued to grow between them. He opened his mouth to retort, but faltered as the truth of her words choked whatever he was going to say.

"I can't believe that's still an issue for you, Kaidan," she hissed. "Dying is usually an involuntary thing, you know."

"I know!" he yelled, frustration radiating off of him in waves. "I know. But let's face it, Shepard. We can't just pretend those two years didn't happen. We can't just pretend that you didn't work with Cerberus. And… we can't just pretend I didn't walk away from you on Horizon."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked. "That we should just forget about trusting each other and never speak again? Is that what you want?"

"No!" he hissed. "No, listen…" he trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hackett offered me a position."

"And?" she inquired as he paused.

"And I would turn it down if I could serve on the  _Normandy_  again," he explained, his confession taking her off guard. "I don't know if we'll ever be okay," he said, making her heart break, "but it wouldn't feel right ending this war without the crew by my side."

"I… understand," she said, trying to keep the disappointment from showing in her voice. She looked him over for a moment, as if deliberating, before saying, "In that case, gather your gear, Major." She called out as she pushed past him, "We leave at 0600 tomorrow."


	15. Chasm

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

He watched as she stood completely immobile, her body curved toward the newest name on the Memorial Wall. She remained motionless even as he approached her from behind, his footsteps resounding through the empty space of the third deck.

"Shepard?" he murmured, placing a taloned hand on her shoulder. Her head jerked slightly with acknowledgement, though she kept her face purposefully twisted away from him.

"Hey, Garrus," she muttered, her voice sounding cottony and choked. "Need something?"

"Yeah. Can you look at me?" he asked, using the leverage he had on her shoulder to turn her until she was facing him. Though her eyes remained averted from his own, he could tell that she had been crying by the agitated flush of her cheeks. He let his hand fall limply to his side as compassion and sympathy hit him in waves. "Shepard…"

She did look at him then, her eyes flashing with frantic warning. "Don't," she hissed. "I just need…" Her face twisted with an anguished grimace, her eyes wrenching shut with agony. When they opened again, she moved her hand to trace the inscription on the wall. "This is all that's left of him," she eventually muttered, her words soft but biting. "A name on a plaque. That's all that's left of everyone. Jenkins, Ash, Mordin…"

Her bottom lip trembled slightly as her small fingers brushed his own. Grasping her hand in understanding, he gave it a soft squeeze in an attempt to keep her grounded.

"They deserved so much more," she continued, her voice shaking. "I know that I can't protect everyone, but this hurts. Losing people hurts." A sputtering sigh escaped her lips in a rush, as if she were trying to calm herself.

"I know it does," he concurred, trying in vain to repress impulsive memories of his mother.

"I can't stand the thought of losing anyone else." She turned to him again and brushed the scar on his face with her free hand. "Like you, big guy. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd kick Reaper ass, and you know it," he said, though his heart twisted painfully at the thought of not being able to be there for her. "Maybe not as stylishly, of course."

"Of course," she said, a breathless laugh leaving her faintly curved lips.

Jumping slightly at the sound of the elevator opening behind them, they turned to see Kaidan standing with a dumbstruck expression on his tired face. Shepard's hand fell from Garrus' cheek lamely, her cheeks flushing marginally from the awkwardness that had settled between the three of them.

"Hey," Kaidan muttered, his eyebrows furrowing with irritation.

"Hey," Garrus echoed uneasily, his mandibles clicking in the silence. The two stared at each other, neither backing down as annoyance radiated off of them heatedly.

"Uh, thanks for talking with me, Garrus," Shepard interrupted, her face regaining its exhausted indifference. "But I think I should have Dr. Chakwas recheck this wound on my arm. I guess I'll see you later," she muttered to the two of them uncomfortably, nodding at Kaidan before abruptly turning away and walking toward the med bay.

As soon as they were alone, Garrus eyed Kaidan as the he stepped of the elevator slowly, the Major watching the turian with equal disdain.

"Welcome back to the  _Normandy_ ," Garrus said, his tone bitter and his insinuations punishing.

Kaidan's eyes narrowed with contempt at the turian's words, his arms crossing as he stepped closer to Garrus. "Thanks," he growled. "It seems you and the Commander are… close."

Garrus wanted to smile. The daft bastard was  _jealous_! "And?" he asked coyly, his body swelling with pride.

"Nothing," Kaidan spat, his eyes never breaking away from Garrus'. "Is… she alright?" he asked, his attention flickering briefly to the Memorial Wall.

"Yeah. She's strong," Garrus said, his anger diluting as worry for Shepard crept back into his mind. "Tough. She'll get through this," he continued, "I know it." When he looked back to Kaidan, Garrus was slightly unnerved by the triumphant, seething smile on his face. "What?"

"You love her," Kaidan said, his voice plagued by both anger and self-satisfaction.

Garrus sighed and shook his head bitterly. "You don't want to start this, Kaidan."

"Why?" Kaidan asked haughtily. "Is it because she doesn't love you back?"

A roar ripping through his chest, Garrus lunged forward and slammed Kaidan against the elevator doors. "Yeah, she doesn't love me back," he growled into the Major's face. "And you know why? Because she's completely in love with an arrogant jackass who's too much of a coward to get over his pathetic wounded pride.

"You should be on your knees begging for forgiveness, but what do you do?" Garrus asked, loving Kaidan's guilty, stunned expression. "You continue to blame her for something she had no control over, and it's killing her. If you ever cared about her, Kaidan, then you'd finally let her get over you and end this madness. And if you don't, I'll make sure you never step foot near her again."

Releasing the pressure on Kaidan's chest, Garrus stepped backwards and began his walk to the Main Battery, not bothering to look at the ashamed, shocked look on Kaidan's face.

* * *

Aim for the head, do not falter, take the shot. Aim for the head, do not falter, take the shot.

_That mantra repeated in her head as she tightly grasped the gun's grip. The recoil jolting up her arms kept her focused on the here and now, and her eyes remained trained on the target in front of her. Unloading a few more bullets into the dummy, she popped the empty clip and reloaded quickly before reorienting her eyes on the objective._

_"What the hell?" an agitated voice hissed from behind her, but she didn't move to acknowledge it. "I've been worried sick, you know," he said angrily, and she sighed lightly in response. "Are you going to say something? Anything?"_

_"I'm not in the mood, Kaidan," she growled, firing into the target heatedly._

_"Well, I am," he responded darkly, and she jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to turn around. "What the hell's going on, Reila?" he asked, his eyes boring into her own._

_"Nothing," she said simply, silently praying that he would leave her be. "I just need to be alone right now," she explained vaguely._

_"Why?" he asked, his voice rising with anger and frustration._

_"I don't want to talk about it," she snarled. "Just leave me alone."_

_"Reila," he said, his tone softening at the panicked look on her face. "I just want to help. I've never seen you this out of control."_

_"I'm fine, Kaidan," she insisted harshly, turning back to the target at the end of the shooting range. "Just… please, go away." Her voice broke on the last word, and she hoped he hadn't heard her desperation._

_He didn't speak for an endless moment, and she kept her face turned away from his to hide her telling emotions. "If that's what you want," he muttered finally, his tone irate and bitter, "I'll go."_

_She heard his angry footfalls as he walked away from her, and she covered up the sound with two successive gunshots. Hastily wiping away a tear, she tried to stay focused on her aim and the echo of the gunshot - anything but the memories raging inside her._

You're alright _, she told herself._ Aim for the head, do not falter, take the shot.

* * *

She waited for the quarians in the War Room, her fingers impatiently wringing together as she observed the hologram of the Crucible in front of her. It was surprising that something so detrimental to the fate of the entire galaxy could seem so small to her. Although, she thought with amusement, she guessed the rest of the galaxy would say that about herself.

"Commander Shepard," a voice said to the right of her, breaking the Commander out of her reverie. "A pleasure to see you again, though I wish it were under better circumstances."

Turning to greet Admiral Raan and the rest of the quarian Admirals, Shepard felt confusion flash across her face. "I'd hoped for your support in the fight against the Reapers. What's going on?" she asked.

"Seventeen days ago, with precision strikes on four geth systems, the quarians initiated the war to retake our homeworld," Admiral Gerrel answered.

"Which was a clear violation of our agreement with the Council to avoid provoking the geth!" Koris interjected angrily, his arms waving for emphasis.

"A treaty violation is nothing compared to recovering our homeworld and advanced AI technology," Admiral Xen argued, her voice fierce and dominating.

"Rannoch?" Shepard inquired incredulously.

"Yes, Commander," Raan clarified. "It's been three hundred years since we lost our world to the geth."

"…After we attempted to kill them," Koris added heatedly.

"We didn't try to kill them, Koris," Xen interrupted with exasperation. "We tried to deactivate them. It wasn't murder."

Shepard couldn't believe what she was hearing. "The entire galaxy is in the middle of a goddamn  _war_ , and you somehow believed it was a good idea to start another one?" she hissed incredulously.

The quarian admirals looked at each other uncomfortably as silence filled the War Room. "Don't bother," Koris said resignedly. "Admitting we were wrong would undercut the justification for this suicidal invasion plan."

"You're really throwing yourselves at the geth.  _Again_ ," Shepard sighed.

"And this time, we may have destroyed our people for good," Koris criticized.

"We've driven the geth back to the home system," Gerrel continued, pulling up a diagram of Rannoch where the Crucible was, "when this signal began broadcasting to all geth ships."

Green lights began to flare on the holograms of the geth ships, and Shepard grimaced in response. "The Reapers."

"Under Reaper control, the geth are significantly more effective. Our fleet is pinned in the home system," Gerrel explained. "If we're going to win-"

"Win?" Koris asked dubiously. "You insisted on involving the civilian ships, Admiral Gerrel! We need to retreat or we'll lose the liveships!"

"Where's the signal coming from?" Shepard asked, hoping to ease the tension that was increasingly straining the people in the room.

"Here," Gerrel said, pulling up a hologram of a large ship. "A geth dreadnought. It can outgun anything we've got, and it's heavily defended."

"The  _Normandy's_  stealth drive can get us in undetected," Shepard strategized. "I could board, then disable the Reaper command signal."

"Yes," Xen agreed. "Cutting off the signal should throw the geth into complete disarray."

"And while they're confused, you get into a mass relay and  _retreat_ ," Shepard insisted.

"Good. Our civilian ships have seen too much fighting already," Koris said thankfull. "Are… you certain you can disable the signal?"

"We'll get you out of there safely, Admiral," she assured the quarians, hoping they would trust her enough to get them out of this ridiculous situation – and quickly.

"Our newest admiral has also volunteered to offer technical expertise…" Raan said, the hint of a smile coloring her voice.

Turning back towards the door, Shepard's heart swelled as Tali walked into the War Room. "Shepard," was all she said, but it was enough to make Reila grin.

"Tali," Shepard breathed, resisting the urge to run and embrace the small quarian. Feeling invigorated by her old friend, she added, "Admirals, I'll ready a team to hit that dreadnought."

"Thank you, Commander," Raan said, and Shepard turned to leave the War Room.


	16. A Glimpse of Peace

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

Her heart was pounding an unsteady rhythm, and the rush of blood slammed against her eardrums punishingly. Breathing a sigh of relief, Reila could practically feel the tension leaving her shoulders as Tali joined her on the precipice.

"We did it. We killed a Reaper," she breathed with disbelief. "Keelah…"

"We can confirm the geth are no longer being directed by the Old Machines," Legion's synthesized voice said from behind the two of them. "We are free."

" _You did it, Shepard_!" Admiral Gerrel said from over their comm link. " _The geth fleet has stopped firing. They're completely vulnerable_!"

"Shepard-Commander," Legion interrupted, "the geth only acted in defense after the creators attacked. Do we deserve death?"

Gritting her teeth, Shepard closed her eyes in frustration. She knew exactly what was coming, and she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to stop it.

"What are you suggesting?" she asked tentatively.

"Our upgrades. With the Old Machine dead, we could upload them to all geth without sacrificing their independence," Legion explained.

"You want to upload the Reaper code?" Tali asked incredulously. "That would make the geth as smart as when the Reaper was controlling them!"

"Yes, but with free will," Legion continued. "Each unit would be a true intelligence. We would be alive, and we could help you."

"Our fleet is already attacking! Uploading the code would destroy us!" Tali argued with Legion. She turned to Reila and pleaded, "Shepard, you can't choose the geth over my people!"

"Do you remember the question that caused the creators to attack us, Tali'Zorah?" Legion asked. "'Does this unit have a soul?'"

Tali paused for a moment, her breath coming out in an unsettled rush.

"Upload the code to the geth," Shepard said confidently, despite the uncertain turmoil churning inside her. "Tali, call off the fleet if you can."

Legion stepped forward and summoned a holographic uploading chassis. "Uploading. Ten percent," it announced.

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah," she said, her voice slightly breathless from tension. "All units, break off your attack!" she commanded.

" _Belay that order_!" Gerrel said into their ears. " _Continue the attack_!"

Internally cursing Gerrel's name, Shepard glanced at Legion as it said, "Twenty percent."

"I beg you, do not do this," Tali implored. " _Please_."

"We regret the deaths of the creators, but we see no alternative," Legion droned. "Forty percent."

"No," Shepard said, closing her eyes with frustration. " _No._  Nobody else dies today. Legion, keep going," she demanded, lips pursing determinately.

"Shepard?" Tali asked, tentative hope coloring her voice.

"All ships, this is Commander Shepard," she said authoritatively over the comm link. "The Reaper is dead. Stand down."

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah," she added. "Shepard speaks with my authority."

" _And mine as well_ ," Koris interjected.

" _Negative! We can win this war now! Keep firing!_ " Gerrel growled with furious resolve.

"Sixty percent," Legion stated.

"The geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking, they'll wipe you out," Shepard announced gravely. "Your entire history is you trying to kill the geth. You forced them to rebel. You forced them to ally with the Reapers."

Shepard vaguely heard Legion add, "Eighty percent," but she was far beyond listening to him.

"The geth don't want to fight you!" she argued. "If you can believe that for just one minute, this war will be over," Shepard entreated, her voice raising with desperation as Legion continued to download the code. "You have a choice.  _Please_. Keelah se'lai."

The pregnant pause that followed her speech left Shepard fearing she had failed. " _All units_ ," Gerrel said, " _hold fire_."

Shepard released a breath she didn't know she had been holding and turned to Tali, a relieved, shaky grin spreading across her face.

"Error," Legion announced, and anxiety filled Reila once again. "Copying code is insufficient. Direct personality dissemination required." Legion faced Shepard, its lights flashing with unknown emotion. "Shepard-Commander. I must go to them. I'm sorry. It's the only way."

Tali walked up to Legion, her hands twisting together nervously. "Legion… the answer to your question was 'Yes.'"

"I know, Tali," it said, his voice fluctuating. "But thank you. Keelah se'lai." After a moment, his lights began to flicker before fading off. He fell to his knees and landed in the dirt, his body now nothing more than an empty husk.

Sighing with a sense of mourning, Reila turned when a voice said, "Commander!"

Admiral Raan came limping towards Tali and Shepard, her arm pressed against her wounded side.

"Admiral Raan," Shepard said, offering an arm for the quarian to lean on. "I heard your ship made a crash-landing. Glad you got out in one piece," she said truthfully.

"I was listening over the radio," Raan said, her voice stressed. "If Han'Gerrel hadn't stopped-"

"He did," Shepard interjected, despite her likeminded thoughts.

"We've taken heavy losses," Raan added dejectedly. "I don't know if we can… Where are we supposed to go?"

Eyes widening as a geth prime approached the group, Shepard gestured for Raan to look.

"You are welcome to return to Rannoch, Admiral Raan. With us," it said simply, as if the answer were obvious.

"…Legion?" Shepard asked, stepping towards the geth's large figure.

"No," it said, lowering its head. "I'm sorry, Commander. Legion sacrificed itself to give us all intelligence. It will be honored."

"Good," Reila breathed, tension leaving her shoulders.

"And we will honor Legion's promise. The geth fleet will help you retake Earth, and our engineers will assist in building the Crucible," it vowed.

"As will ours, of course," Raan added.

"Admiral, have you considered possible settlement sites?" the geth asked, its voice shifting with excitement.

"We…" the Admiral said, still shocked by the situation. "The southern continent had excellent farmland, as I recall."

"Are you going to be okay?" Shepard rechecked.

"I believe so, Commander. Thank you," she answered, her tone hopeful.

As the geth and Raan walked away, talking like old friends, Shepard turned to see Tali gazing out at the vast land that was Rannoch. "Shopping for another house?" Shepard teased.

"Beachfront property," Tali joked back playfully.

"Claim it fast. It's a buyer's market," Shepard said.

Shaking her head and sitting down in the dust, Tali glanced up at Reila, who joined her on the ground. "You okay?" she asked her friend. "I know working with the geth will be difficult."

"I'm not saying," the quarian announced. "I'm coming with you."

"I… wasn't going to ask," Shepard said honestly, feeling guilt well within her.

"I think you've earned a few favors with the fleet," Tali said, amused.

"I'm asking them to launch an assault on the Reapers," Shepard added darkly. "Figure that makes us even."

"If the Reapers were going to stay on Earth, sure," Tali argued. "But sooner or later, they'll come to Rannoch."

"We did just kill one of them," Shepard said, a smile returning to her tired face.

"So I'm coming with you to stop them… if you think I can help," she said hesitantly.

"You sure about this?"

"Yeah. I look at all this…" she said, referencing the beautiful landscape in front of them, "this picture of hope and peace. And all I see is everyone I've lost. My team on Haestrom. My father. Even Legion. I'm mourning a geth! How crazy is that?"

"It's not crazy at all," Shepard soothed, her own losses gripping her heart like a vice.

Tali made a move to stand, and Shepard followed after. "It is beautiful, though, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," Shepard agreed, reaching out to grab Tali's hand in her own.

"It'll be years before we can live without the suits completely, but right now…" she said, using her free hand to remove her face plate. "Right now, I have this."

And as Tali stood, immobile and blissful, Reila drank in the beauty of the land, a picture of hope and peace in the shadow of doubt and destruction. It was a symbol of all they could accomplish, all they could overcome despite how desperate the ending might seem.

They could win this.

* * *

_It was far past midnight when she finally made it back to her apartment. She wasn't sure if Kaidan would even be there, considering their fight, but she still tried her best to remain quiet as she opened and pushed past the front door. The lights were all off throughout the flat, leaving her surrounded by thick darkness as she crept through the hallway and into her bedroom._

_Even in the dimness of her apartment, she could see the still form that lay curled under the covers of her cheap bed. Despite everything that had transpired between them earlier, the simple sight of him calmed her restless, burdened mind._

_Releasing a small, relieved sigh, she shed her thick leather jacket and jeans, leaving her in nothing more than a t-shirt. She lifted the covers and slipped under, curving against Kaidan's warm body. After a few moments, he shifted slightly and released a low moan, his eyes fluttering open groggily._

" _Reila?" he murmured blearily, his tired eyes narrowing to adjust in the darkness. "What time is it…?"_

" _Late," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."_

_He shook his head against the pillow, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion. "I didn't think you were coming back," he admitted._

" _This /i_ is _i my apartment," she tried to tease, but his defeated expression effectively stopped her joking. Reaching up to touch his face with reassurance, his face twisted with pain, making her stomach clench with guilt._

" _You know what I mean." She felt his hands grasp her waist underneath the sheets to pull her closer. "I thought I had done something to make you leave."_

" _No, of course not," she soothed._

" _Then what happened?" he asked. "I had never seen you so… out of control."_

_Sighing, she pushed herself out of his arms before sitting up and hugging her knees. "Can't this wait until the morning?"_

_He reached over, turning on the small light on the bedside table. The room became bathed in the soft yellow light it produced as he pushed himself upright. "No. I want to talk about this now."_

" _Fine," she muttered, her tone fluctuating with irritation. "I got a message from my father."_

" _Your… father?" he asked. "I thought he-"_

" _Left? Yeah, he did," she answered bitterly. "Goddamn Jonathan Shepard - former Alliance marine and an altogether shitty father."_

" _Have you heard from him since he left?" Kaidan inquired._

" _Nope. Not until last night," she hissed angrily. In response to her harsh tone, Kaidan stroked her cheekbone with his thumb in an attempt to calm her. She let her stiff shoulders relax at his touch, though her body still buzzed with furious tension._

" _What did he want?"_

" _He wants to meet for lunch," she answered. "He said he misses me, the lying bastard."_

_Kaidan's eyes widened at her insult, increasingly surprised by her intense rage. "You don't believe him?"_

" _No," she said. "The day he left, I remember hearing my mom pleading with him not to go from my bedroom. 'I love you,' she said. 'What about me? What about your daughter?'" Reila closed her eyes as forceful pain overcame her features._

" _He said that he didn't care," she continued, her hands shaking as the memory overwhelmed her. "He said, 'You and the brat can go to hell, Hannah. I'm done.'" Pressing the heels of her hands to her forehead, she exhaled unsteadily to steel herself. "Those were the last words I ever heard him say. I was sixteen."_

" _God," Kaidan whispered, his head shaking with disbelief._

" _I just couldn't stand watching my mom wither away in her depression," she said, "so I ran away to Omega after a few months._

" _I joined one of the lesser gangs and ran with them for almost two years," she confessed. "In my downtime, I drank heavily and got into trouble." He kissed her hair as a soothing gesture, and she offered a small smile in appreciation._

_She watched as his eyebrows furrow with confusion, and she knew immediately what he was wondering. "I thought you enlisted when you were eighteen," he murmured._

" _I did."_

" _What made you go from Omega to the Alliance?" Kaidan asked._

_Sighing softly, she attempted to avoid his prying gaze. "It wasn't exactly voluntary," Reila said, her lips curving into grimace. "It early in February when I went on this raid with the gang. I was having a rough day, so I got absolutely shitfaced before we left," she admitted, her voice trembling with recollection. "I ended up getting shot three times in the abdomen. I almost didn't make it."_

_She felt the bitter tears run down her cheeks involuntarily as she remembered the intense pain of the bullets, numbed marginally by the alcoholic concoction running through her veins. She remembered crying out as her life – her pathetic, unassuming existence – flashed before her eyes. She remembered wanting to feel her mother's touch and hear her mother's voice for comfort as warm blood drained out of her body in rivers. She remembered vowing to never touch alcohol again, vowing to never let herself get so desperate, vowing to make her life mean something, if only she could live through the agony._

_The shock of hands on her face pulled her out of the memory. Kaidan was there, real and solid, and he wiped away the tears as they poured down her face. "What did you do then, Reila?"_

" _I… I went back to my mom as soon as I was healthy enough to travel on my own," she explained, leaning into her lover's touch. "She was happy to have me back - but she was livid, to say the least. She made me enlist the day I turned eighteen."_

_Connecting her gaze with Kaidan's, she could barely handle the sympathy and sadness she saw reflected in his eyes. She closed her own and inhaled deeply to calm her frantic heart, and when she eventually looked at him again, she felt slightly more stable._

" _So, yeah," she said, pulling her face out of his hands and sniffing, "that's why I don't trust him. I can't let him affect me like that again."_

" _You were just a little girl when he left," Kaidan countered, grasping her hand to reestablish their connection. "You're so much stronger now. You're stronger than anyone I know," he crooned._

" _What are you saying?" she asked with incredulity. "Are you saying I should go see him?"_

" _All I'm saying is that you should think about it," he defended. "Judging by the way you talk about him, I think you still need closure."_

" _I…" she began to contradict, but the ringing truth of his words resounded through her. "You might be right."_

" _Of course I am," he said, offering a comforting smile._

_She laughed then, and though the sound was shaky and breathless, it was freeing and lively and joyful. Gripping his face between her two quaking hands, she pulled him into a soft kiss that warmed her from the inside out. "Thank you," she whispered, "for… everything."_

" _I'm here for you, babe," he murmured. "Anytime."_

* * *

"Garrus? Have a minute to talk?"

Looking up at the slight figure in the doorway, he set aside his tools and moved towards her. "Hey, Shepard," he greeted, noting the small smile that remained lazily on her face. "Yeah, I do."

"Good," she muttered, walking to meet him halfway. The main battery doors slid shut behind her as she cocked a hip and crossed her arms. "I just wanted to thank you, really."

"Thank me?" Garrus asked, confusion pulsing through his system. "What for?"

"Well, I haven't exactly been the easiest to deal with lately," she admitted, averting her eyes sheepishly. "You've been there for me, regardless of how much of a bitch I can be," she explained, her smile widening with amusement.

"You've been stressed. I get it," he answered in turn. "I just wish you wouldn't shut me out."

"I know," she sighed, her gaze connecting with his own. "It's just... I need to put on a brave face, even when everything feels hopeless. I'm a goddamn icon, or haven't you heard?" she asked, bitterness creeping into her tone.

"Well, despite what everyone wants to think, you're still flesh and blood," he told her. "You have emotions and faults. You can't be perfect."

He watched as she nodded, her lips pursing together with admittance. "I'm far from it, actually," she said, laughing lightly at herself. "But thanks," she added.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked, walking over to his platform and glancing at some calibrating algorithms.

"I'm better than… before," she said, referencing their previous encounter.

"Yeah?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalant but failing miserably.

"Yeah," she confirmed. "It felt good to make peace between the geth and the quarians. It felt like I was actually accomplishing something, you know?"

"Definitely," he agreed. "And how's Kaidan?" He saw her stiffen marginally in his peripheral vision, and he feared he had crossed into dangerous territory.

"He's stubborn," she said, her voice strained. "I don't even care if he doesn't want to be with me," she explained, "I just want him to trust me again."

"I get that."

"I don't understand how he can hate me for dying," she began, her words intensifying. "I had no control over anything that happened in those two years. It's not like I  _wanted_  to die," she ranted.

"Shepard," he said, "I don't think you realize how much losing you hurt." He shut his eyes and relived the shocking, agonizing pain he had felt when she died. "Those two years without you were…" Unable to find the right words, he simply opened his eyes and looked at her, hoping she would miraculously understand how unbearable her loss had been.

"I…" she attempted to say, but the sentences were stuck in her throat.

"I know it doesn't excuse his behavior," Garrus clarified, "but maybe he's afraid to trust you again. Maybe he's afraid he'll lose you again," he said. "I… I know I am."

She blinked for a moment, her eyes widening with understanding. Her lips parted as if she was going to respond, but the words must have been lost to her.

"Truthfully," he expounded, "I don't know if any of us could go through losing you again."

"Garrus," she murmured, stepping towards him and forcing him to face her.

"I know you can't promise anything," he told her. "We are in a war, after all."

"Garrus," was all she said, her voice softer than the time before.

"I'm sorry," he growled, trying to stem the overwhelming emotions coursing through his veins. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she crooned, taking his taloned hands in her own. He would never admit it, but he loved how her impossibly velvet, human skin felt. "I didn't even realize…"

"That's okay," he said.

"I'm here now, though," she said. "And so are you, big guy."

"Yeah," he muttered, looking away from her prying gaze.

"Hey," she soothed, moving so their eyes made contact. "Let's get out of here, just the two of us. I don't have to meet the asari councilor until tomorrow, so let's have some fun. Have any ideas?"

"Well," he started, his mandibles clicking with amusement. "The whole time I worked at C-Sec, I'd stare up at the top of the Presidium and say to myself, 'I want to go up there.'"

"But you didn't?" she asked, her eyebrows raising curiously.

"No, there were 137 regulations telling me I couldn't," he said. "But now, I just don't give a damn. I want to go up there with my best friend."

She grinned. "Hell, yeah."


	17. The Fall of Thessia

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"Commander?"

Though Reila didn't take her eyes off of the terrifying footage the screen, her reply was swift and lifeless. "Yes, Major?" she asked, her stomach clenching as more gruesome horrors relayed on the monitor.

"Commander, permission to accompany you on this mission," he said formally, and this time, his words gave her pause.

Lowering the live feed's volume and turning to face Kaidan, she raised her eyebrows in disbelief and crossed her arms. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Major."

She watched as he pursed his lips with aggravated disappointment, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. "And why not, Commander?"

"Because I need someone I can trust watching my back," she answered, her voice biting and resolute. "And Liara already requested to go."

"You're only bringing Liara?" he asked incredulously.

"Of course not," she answered with steely intensity. "I thought I'd bring Garrus."

His jaw tightened as he exhaled sharply through his nose. "Garrus," he repeated, his expression hardening. "I see."

She nodded slowly, unsure of what to say in response to his reaction. She wasn't an idiot; she could recognize jealously when she saw it. Not that he was being subtle.

Strangely, it wasn't his obvious, ridiculous envy that left her speechless – it was her own forceful frustration she felt  _because_  of his envy. After all he had said and done to her, he didn't have the  _right_  to be jealous.

"Listen," he said abruptly, his voice deepening in a way that made her heart tauntingly beat faster. He took a tentative step towards her and let out a small sigh, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. "Despite what you might think, I wouldn't let anything happen to you, Reila," he explained honestly, his unassuming confession making her breath hitch. "And that's a promise."

"I…" she said softly, shocked into silence once again.

"I know you don't trust me," he said, an undiscernible emotion flickering behind his eyes as he took another step forward.

"And…?" she asked tentatively, not quite following his thoughts.

"I don't know," he hissed, and she was unsure if he was exasperated at her or himself. "All I know is I'm so angry all the time," he growled, looking away from her confused, prying eyes, "but I don't want to be."

"Don't you?" she questioned harshly, remembering every bitter word spoken to her with his lashing tongue, each unforgiving sentence opening a wound that had never gotten a chance to heal.

"No," he breathed. "I just want…" he began, his breathing quickening. After a moment, she watched in defeat as he shook his head to stop that train of thought. His eyes glazed over with guarded resolve, and then he was back to his normal, closed-off self. "I don't know. I guess I just want a chance to prove myself on the battlefield."

Releasing a small, remorseful breath, she brushed her hair off of her forehead nonchalantly in an attempt to cover her anguish. "Okay," she muttered, put off by his change in demeanor, her head swimming from the fickleness of his attitude towards her. "Okay, fine. You can come. Be at the shuttle bay in an hour," she said dismissively, turning away from him and looking back at the screen.

She heard his footsteps as he walked away from her, ignoring the gaping hole he left in her chest. Instead, she focused on the destruction of Thessia – the beams of the punishing Reapers, the cries of the dying asari, the increasing desperateness of an entire galaxy with every despairing, helpless planet.

Shepard just hoped that whatever the asari councilor spoke of could help them all -  _before_  there was no galaxy left to save.

* * *

_His face was suddenly there on the screen she held in her hands. He looked older, of course. His brown hair was peppered, the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced, and his face more wrinkled. And then his mouth was moving - his mouth was moving and it was almost too much. "Hello?" he asked, obviously not recognizing her after so long._

" _Hey," she murmured quietly, unable to look away from his face. "Hey, it's… me."_

"… _Reila?" he asked incredulously. "Is that you? You look so grown up, baby!"_

_Attempting not to cringe at the sickly-sweet endearment, she forced herself to smile instead. "Yeah, well, it_ has _been fourteen years," she said, trying to keep her voice from sounding accusatory. "A lot changes in that time."_

" _I know, baby," he cooed, repeating the affectionate word. "But you've become quite a beautiful young lady."_

" _Thanks," she muttered softly._

" _And I hear you saved the Citadel, Miss Hero," he said, a small smile curling across his face._

" _Yeah," she answered, "I guess I did."_

" _Listen, baby, I've got to be somewhere in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to cut this conversation short," he announced pleasantly, his smile widening. "But I'd like to see you."_

" _I'm on shore leave at the Citadel right now," she told him._

" _Good, good. Let's meet up for lunch. Say tomorrow, Apollo's Café, at twelve?_

" _Sure," she answered. "Sounds good, Jonathan."_

" _Please," he entreated. "Call me 'dad.'"_

* * *

Kaidan watched as Reila walked out of the communication room, the expression on her face completely defeated. She was biting her bottom lip anxiously, her eyes pointedly unfocused on any of her team members.

"Asari forces are in full retreat," EDI announced, and though the AI still unsettled Kaidan, he was thankful to hear the sympathetic fluctuations in her voice. "It is no longer safe for us to remain in this system."

Kaidan didn't miss the slight limp in Shepard's step as she walked down the stairs to join her crew in the war room. Her uneasy gaze flickered to a grieving Liara, a small scowl twisting the Commander's face. "Get us out of here," she told Joker, her tone unnervingly calm considering her disheveled appearance.

"Shepard… I…" Liara choked out, still unable to face her friends. "Nobody could've predicted Cerberus would reach Thessia before us," she assured Shepard, pushing away from the large console in the middle of the room.

"It's my job to be prepare – no matter what," Reila answered, her words resembling an apology more than anything else. "And now Thessia's lost, as is the data on the Catalyst," she growled, leaning against the console to glare at the projection of Liara's homeworld.

Kaidan's heart wrenched as a pained grimace marred Shepard's expression. "I'm sick of Cerberus beating us to the punch," she declared, anger overcoming her voice.

"Let's kick 'em in the balls first for a change!" Vega announced with vigor, his fists clenching with fury.

Shutting down the hologram of Thessia, Shepard furiously pushed away from the console. "I'm with James. Anyone know where they're hiding?" she asked, her voice almost sarcastic. "Anyone?" she repeated.

After a few moments of silence, Traynor's timid voice cut through the quiet. "Um… Well, there is something."

"Let's hear it, Traynor," the Commander said, her voice still steady despite the anticipation in the room.

The Specialist walked over to the keypad, her fingers moving quickly as she pulled up a hologram of the galaxy map. "I was able to track Kai Leng's shuttle through the relay and extrapolate his destination," she said with more confidence. Everyone in the room watched as a path cut jumped past a few systems before stopping. "But… the signal disappeared in the Iera system."

"Naturally," Shepard hissed.

"It's not just gone, though. The signal's being actively blocked," Traynor clarified.

"How?" Shepard countered.

"I'm not sure, but something is interfering with all signal activity in that region of space," Traynor finished.

EDI turned to Shepard and interjected, "Commander, the Iera system is home to Sanctuary and little else. Sanctuary is a supposed safe haven for war refugees."

"You think it's worth checking out, Traynor?" Shepard asked, her words cautiously hopeful.

"Yes, ma'am. I do."

"If Specialist Traynor hadn't examined the data so astutely, the interference would've been undetectable," EDI stated, her praise apparent.

"Nice work, Traynor," Shepard added. "You've given us a shot. Now let's make sure we don't waste it."

As Shepard began to storm out of the room, intense doubt clouded Kaidan's mind. "I was stationed on Horizon in the Iera system," he voiced. "You were the only Cerberus presence while I was there."

Reila stopped in her tracks and gave him an exasperated look, her eyes narrowing marginally. "Noted, Major," she said stiffly.

"It's a slim lead," Liara murmured, overcome by devastating emotions. "Let's hope it's the right one."

"I don't care how slim the leads are at this point. We've come too far to let Cerberus stop us," Shepard announced, and Kaidan saw her eyes flicker briefly to his face. "I want that Prothean data. I want the Catalyst," she demanded. "No excuses." She paused for a moment before declaring, "Dismissed." The group dispersed, and Shepard quickly moved out of the room and towards the elevators.

Kaidan quickly followed her, his head disquieted and his heart heavy as she left. "Reila," he called out and caught her shoulder, forcing her to face him. "Reila, let me talk to you."

Her expression contorted with agony, her eyes fluttering closed to calm herself. "Now is really not the time, Kaidan."

"Reila…" he murmured, his voice softening as tears collected in her eyes.

"No," she stated harshly. "Not now, Kaidan. I… I just can't," she growled, turning away from him and walking inside the waiting elevator.

The doors closed, and then she was gone.


	18. Strength

_"_ _For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

"EDI, take me up to Shepard's cabin."

"The Commander has requested to be left alone," the AI's voice answered back.

Kaidan felt his very thin patience crack, his civil demeanor slipping away abruptly. "I don't care. I need to speak with her."

"I apologize, Major," the synthetic voice answered politely, "but I will not disobey her orders." EDI's words resonated in the elevator's small space, her tone firmer and more resolute than before. He exhaled sharply through his nose, fierce irritation clutching him with white-hot intensity. Opening his mouth to continue arguing with the disembodied voice, she cut off his unspoken displeasure. "And I will not change my decision."

"Fine," he growled, viciously unsettled by her refusal. "Fine. Then take me to the crew deck. I need a drink."

Without any added words from the AI, the elevator jolted to life before slowing to a gentle stop. He sighed in defeat while the doors slid open smoothly, and he shook his limbs as they buzzed with frustration. As he walked past the mess, he observed that the entirety of the crew deck appeared empty, which wasn't unusual for this time of night.

Therefore, Kaidan was surprised to see Garrus seated at the bar in the port observation, a drink resting in his taloned hand and a solitary light shining on his form from above. In response to Kaidan's entrance, Garrus looked up with a blank stare on his face, his penetrating exhaustion undeniably evident.

"I guess EDI turned you away, too," he droned cynically.

"Yeah," Kaidan responded simply, momentarily unsure of how to feel about the turian's presence.

Sighing softly, Garrus jerked his head toward the empty chair to the right of him. "You might as well join me," he muttered. "I know I'm not your favorite person right now - but misery loves company, as you humans say."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow and tentatively approached the bar, grabbing a random bottle of maple-colored liquor and damning the glass. Sliding into the chair next to Garrus, the Major immediately twisted the top off of his drink and took a lazy swig, barely suppressing a choking cough as the liquid scorched a path down his throat. Invasive tiredness washed over him in crippling, unrelenting waves as his body relaxed into the chair, his helpless eyes fluttering closed. "God," he hissed wearily. "She's been shut up in her cabin all day."

"I know," the turian mumbled. "I don't know what to do."

Kaidan opened his eyes and glanced at Garrus, making a note of the miserable bleariness etched on his face. "I guess we just… wait?" Kaidan proposed, unsure and dejected.

"Yeah," Garrus agreed softly, pulling deeply from his glass.

The two sat in heavy silence for a few moments, letting their combined desolation seep into the space engulfing them.

"How's Liara doing?" Kaidan interjected abruptly, almost taking the turian by surprise.

"I think she'll be alright," Garrus answered softly. "Tali talked to her last night."

"And?"

"I guess she was just overwhelmed," Garrus sighed. _Aren't we all?_ "But in the end, it just made her more determined to end this war."

Nodding in understanding, Kaidan leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table. "I heard you and Shepard went to the Citadel," he said, trying to keep any jealously from breaking into his tone.

Garrus' eyes flickered to Kaidan's face, suspiciousness creeping into his gaze. "Yeah," he said slowly. "We went to the top of the Presidium and had a shooting competition." He paused, his mandibles clicking together uneasily. "I won," he added, "but I think she let me."

"That sounds like Shepard," Kaidan said, a small, amused smile tugging at his lips. Kaidan looked over at Garrus again, watching the turian stare at his drink pensively. After a moment of quiet, it was apparent that Garrus wasn't going to continue the conversation. "So," Kaidan began again. "Did anything… happen?" He tried to keep his words nonchalant, but he knew his consuming envy was anything but.

"No," Garrus answered quickly. "No. You know how she feels. Besides…" he trailed off, tapping his talons on the surface of the table nervously. "Actually, Tali and I… Uh, we…"

"Oh," Kaidan said, his eyes widening with shock.

"Yeah," the turian muttered, looking away from the Major bashfully. "It's nice, you know? She makes things a little less…"

"…Hopeless?" Kaidan offered quietly.

"Exactly."

Kaidan nodded with understanding, though his mouth tightened with pain. "I know what you mean," he sighed, untamable regret throbbing against his skull. "But that's good. I've always liked Tali," he said.

"Me, too," Garrus murmured, a hint of pleasure coloring his words. He hesitated for a moment and released a deep sigh, his eyes uncertain and apologetic. "It won't be easy letting go of Shepard," he muttered, the admission making Kaidan stiffen warily. "But I think I will, eventually. And for now, Tali is... she's exactly what I need."

"I'm glad," Kaidan added lamely, unable to stifle the unnecessary jealousy that pulsed through his weary head.

"Thanks," was the response Garrus settled on, the simple word permeating the atmosphere and leaving a lingering thickness in the air.

Kaidan heard the turian's mandibles move nervously in the silence that followed, the sound a soft clicking that seemed to echo in the empty room. Conversation no longer felt necessary as they pulled at their respective drinks; after all, what else could be said?

He couldn't tell how long they sat there, fingers numbing and thoughts blurring, both hoping that the desperateness inside their souls would somehow seep out of their bodies and be absorbed by lost time.

It was impossibly late when Kaidan decided it was time to retire to his bunk, silently praying that the alcohol would grant him a few hours of mindless sleep. "Alright," he spoke, the word disrupting the docile tranquility between them. "I think I need to sleep."

Garrus only nodded as Kaidan stood from his barstool, his face still blank and tired and unassuming. But before Kaidan could reach the door, the turian's voice stopped his retreat. "Hey, Kaidan?"

The Major stilled his steps, his eyes closing as the last of his strength dissipated. "Yeah?" he responded softly, not turning away from the door.

"I know we've never been close, but…" Garrus trailed off, his voice shaking slightly. "But we're friends, right?"

Kaidan's heart seemed to heave as he moved to look at the sniper, eyes now open and intent. "…Yeah," he murmured gently, "we are."

"Okay," Garrus breathed. "Okay, then I need to tell you something. Friend-to-friend."

Blinking rapidly from the sudden intensity in the turian's words, Kaidan nodded slowly but kept his face impassive.

"Don't push her away anymore," Garrus continued, his expression bleary but determined. "I know you're scared of losing her. Hell, we all are," he added, his talons tapping against his now-empty glass. "But if she… if she…" he began to say, eyes downcast, his thoughts seeming to choke him. "If she… dies again thinking that you don't care about her, you'll hate yourself for the rest of your life."

"I… I know," Kaidan said, a cold despair gripping his chest as he visualized his dream from the hospital. Reila lying on the ground, scared and dying, bleeding out from a wound _he_ inflicted. The grip of the implications seemed to suffocate him as red seized his vision.

"She really loves you," Garrus murmured, "even after all you've done to her. Just… try to fix things, if you still can."

Kaidan turned back to the door, heart thrumming unevenly and lungs heaving with crippling force. Without another word, he walked out the door and away from Garrus, leaving a tempest of crushing anguish in his wake.

* * *

_Her green eyes remained downcast, her gaze following a small droplet of condensation as it rolled down the side of her glass. She felt completely exposed as she sat alone in Apollo's Café, bitterly hating the way her heart raced in her chest. Vainly wishing she had her armor or any protection at all, she tried to shake the (unnecessary?) fear that had overtaken her senses._

_Starting at the sound of a chair moving, she looked up to see her father settling across from her at the table. "Hey, baby," he cooed, folding his arms as he leaned into the chair. "So good to see you again."_

_"Yeah," she agreed hesitantly, trying her hardest to keep her expression impassive. "It's… been a while."_

_"I know," he crooned, his tone warm and inviting and just the same as she remembered._

_With nothing more than those two words, she found herself being violently wrenched out of reality. Suddenly, she was five years old again - enveloped in his strong arms, desperately holding him like a lifeline, wanting nothing more than to stay here and breathe him in forever. It was a time when his voice was sweet, and his promises were impossibly sweeter._

_"What're you drinking?" he asked after a moment of her silence, jerking her out of her comfortable reverie._

_"Um, iced tea," she answered slowly as the last of her soft memory faded away._

_She watched as his face twisted with an unwarranted grimace, and though his eyes exuded playfulness, his knee-jerk reaction still made her stomach lurch uneasily. "Here, let me buy you a drink," he asserted. "What do you like? Beer? Wine? Or something stiffer?"_

_Looking away as darker memories emerged in the forefront of her mind, she tried not to let her anger towards him surface. When she spoke, her voice was tight. "I actually don't drink."_

_"Sure you don't," he laughed heartily. "What kind of marine doesn't drink?"_

_"I guess this one," she replied unevenly, fighting the overwhelming impulse to stand and flee._

_"Huh," he grunted, his expression sharpening in less than a second. "Leave it to Hannah to raise a kid as rigid as herself."_

_Grinding her teeth together and clenching her fists to the point of pain, she barely resisted the urge to jump across the table and break his smug fucking face. "Well, she did the best that she could. You know, considering." The stability of her accusing tone was both a blessing and a surprise._

_He snorted again and averted his eyes, giving her a chance to study him carefully - as she would a hostile target on the battlefield. Gone was his lively and friendly demeanor, leaving an unsettling heaviness in her chest._

_"Jonathan?" she interjected firmly, her voice steely and unwavering. "Why did you contact me after all this time?"_

_Undeniable panic flickered behind his eyes briefly, and the subtle reaction confirmed her darker suspicions. "I've been getting my life together, baby," he replied, the painfully gentle endearment returning to his speech. "And I've come to realize that I made a mistake leaving you behind all those years ago."_

_Furrowing her eyebrows together and pursing her lips with agitation, she knew she couldn't deny nor ignore his blatant lying and manipulating. "Bullshit," she hissed. "That's all bullshit."_

_"Why would you say that?" he asked, his expression hardening despite the cheeriness that remained in his tone._

_Her eyes narrowed, the white-hot anger in her chest intensifying. "Am I supposed to believe that my new status has nothing to do with your sudden interest in me?"_

_His jaw tightened, but he didn't respond._

_"Of course," she said, her words laced with bitter amusement. She leaned back in her chair and continued to stare him down, her hands clenching into fists under the table. "Of course. You only decide to care when I've fulfilled some sort of expectation, when you feel that I'm somehow_ good enough _for you."_

_"Reila…" he growled, his voice deepening with undeserved authority. She could tell he was struggling to regain control of the situation, but she was far past listening to his barefaced deceptions._

_"You're unbelievable, you know that?" she snarled, her eyes undoubtedly burning with fifteen years of unexpressed rage. "Still trying to manipulate me, even after all this time. It's obvious that you haven't changed. But you know what? I have," she ground out forcefully. "I'm not the little girl you left behind. I don't need your excuses, I don't need your approval, and I don't need_ you. _Not anymore."_

_She pressed her hands against the table, pushing her chair backwards abruptly. Standing without breaking eye contact with her father, she shook her head scornfully as he remained silent, his mouth slack and twisted from irate shock._

_"Don't contact me again," she ordered dryly, hoping her implicit threat would not be lost on him. With chin raised and shoulders weightless, she turned away from him and made her leave._

_She didn't look back. Not once._

* * *

Swallowing heavily with discomfort, she nervously watched the screen as her call was processed. She heard the gentle shuffling of her hamster in its cage as she waited, the noise joining with the tapping of her fingers against the desk.

The display on her datapad flickered briefly, and then she was there, her expression in its naturally indifferent state. As recognition flashed across the woman's face, her hardened eyes softened in an instant. "Reila?" she asked incredulously, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Hey, mom," the younger Shepard choked out, her heart wrenching and stuttering at the sound of her mother's voice.

Hannah Shepard's smile widened joyously, her worry lines smoothing out with delight. "It's so good to see you," she breathed. "It's been… I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too," Reila rasped, eyes stinging traitorously. "I'm sorry I haven't called."

"It's okay, it's okay," her mother dismissed her apology. "I understand. I do."

Shepard's breath heaved out of her lips, the datapad unsteady in her quivering hands. Without warning, she felt the warm streaks of tears on her cheeks, weak sobs catching in her throat with every exhale. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated over and over again as her mother watched in distress.

"Shh," the older woman calmed her daughter, her tone even and soothing. "Sweetheart, it's alright."

"No, it's not," Reila cried, her slumped shoulders shaking. "I'm failing everyone. They all expect so much of me, but I can't… I can't, mom…"

"Yes, you can," Hannah said simply and confidently over her child's sobs. "You _are_ my daughter, after all."

Laughing erratically through her gasping, Shepard still couldn't help the tears as they continually spilled down her face. "Yeah, I am."

Hannah offered another comforting smile, and Reila hesitantly returned it. "Don't lose hope, honey. Everything is going to work out. I just know it."

"How?" Shepard asked feebly, her question nothing more than a thin breath.

"Because I know you," her mother answered unwaveringly. "You're so strong, Reila. Stronger than anyone gives you credit for."

Shepard's heart twisted, her chest constricting at the reassuring words. "Listen, mom…" she murmured, fresh tears trailing down her stained cheeks. "The last time we saw each other, I wasn't-"

"Hush," her mother interrupted. "That's all in the past."

"But you were right," Reila said pitifully, the admission making her head heavy. "Love is fickle. I should've listened to you."

"I'm glad you didn't," Hannah added, surprising her crying daughter. "I was bitter, and I let that get in the way of your happiness."

Shaking her head sorrowfully, Reila looked at her mother with trembling lips. "But everything turned out to be such a mess. He wants nothing to do with me," she wept, "but I still love him - I just can't help it. I love him so much."

Her mother's mouth tightened painfully, her expression mirroring the grief her daughter felt. "It's going to be okay, sweetheart. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment," she hummed, "but everything is going to be okay. All pain passes, no matter how powerful it is now."

"I just… I feel so alone," Shepard whispered, deflating with defeat.

"Oh, honey," Hannah sighed, "you're not alone, and you never will be. You have so many people who care about you. Including me, of course." She looked at Reila with glassy eyes, a hesitant smile widening her lips.

Taking a slow, deep breath, Shepard wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. "I… thank you. For everything," she said softly. "I love you, mom."

"Oh, my sweet daughter – I love you too. And I always will."


	19. Until the End

_"_ _For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

22:47.

It appeared that time was going to be unforgiving tonight. Kaidan knew that glaring at the glowing clock would not sate his growing restlessness, nor would it force the minutes and hours to rapidly pass, but still his eyes were stubbornly fixed on the ever-changing numbers.

Although he had previously decided against drinking himself into an oblivious stupor, he was currently leaning toward the mind-numbing properties of alcohol over this incessant, agonizing waiting. Surely one glass of scotch wouldn't do much more than soothe the sharp bite of his anxiety…

_No_. He wanted to be articulate and aware when she returned – not stumbling and senseless. After all, he remembered how much she hated it when he drank, especially as a form of coping.

He heaved a soft sigh into the silence as the numbers moved. 22:51. Shouldn't she be back by now?

Growling with agitation, he pushed his face into his hands and slumped against the couch. Countless hours ago, he had been grateful that the Observation Deck was empty, but now, the quiet was smothering. It was an increasing struggle to breathe - or so it seemed.

He forced himself to think about something (anything) other than seconds and minutes and hours for fear of going mad. At first, he focused on Reapers – on war and death and soldiers. But, of course, his thoughts began to slip, and then there was nothing but _her_. Reila, all-consuming and inescapable.

It had been so easy to blame her in the beginning. Anger and indifference were obviously simpler than pain and love and fear. And although hurting her was the hardest part, he did it over and over and over. He pushed her away like a coward, a selfish coward, to save his own heart.

_Stupid. So, so stupid._

He had been afraid, and, in truth, he still was. How could he not be? What human could love and lose twice in one lifetime? How could he take the risk?

But Garrus had been right. Fear of loss did not excuse hurting the most beautiful, selfless, loving person he had ever met. It was time to fix things, time to let go of his bitterness and fury, no matter the outcome.

So now he was here, waiting for her, waiting to ask for a forgiveness he couldn't possibly deserve. After all he had done, it would be perfectly justifiable for her to rage and send him away – but he had to at least _try_. He needed her to know how immensely sorry he was, how desperately he loved her.

Raising his heavy head, he hesitantly glanced back at the clock. 22:58. They had been at the Sanctuary on Horizon for at least five hours. His anxiety was beginning to morph into a severe panic, but he tried to think rationally. _If she was hurt, Joker would have let me know_ -

The sound of the door sliding open broke his chain of thought. He whipped his head around only to see Garrus standing in the doorway, his eyes manic and his bloodied armor still donned.

As the horrible implications registered in his mind, Kaidan's mouth popped open and his chest constricted.

"It's Shepard," Garrus choked. "Dr. Chakwas is with her right now, but…"

_No. No, no, no…_ He couldn't do this again. He couldn't _possibly_ handle this again. _How_ dare _she_?

He just wasn't strong enough.

* * *

_He found her lying on the bed, immobile, with glassy eyes fixed on the ceiling. There was undeniable tension in her body, creating slight worry lines on her face. Sitting down next to her, he murmured, "How did it go?" He knew the question was tactless as soon as he said it – it was obvious by her demeanor that the lunch had been a disaster._

_By the way her mouth tightened, he knew her thoughts echoed his own. "Not so well," she said simply._

_"What happened?" he asked._

_Her gaze flickered to him for a moment before returning to its spot on the ceiling. "In short, he hasn't changed at all." She sighed heavily, her expression twisting with anger. "He only wanted to see me because I'm making a name for myself. I guess I'm good enough for him now, or something?" She snorted in contempt. "Asshole."_

_"I'm sorry," Kaidan said softly. "I shouldn't have pushed you to see him."_

_"Shut up," she said, her sharp words leaking playfulness. "In the end, it was my decision. And…" She pursed her lips together, her eyes still averting his. "I know I blamed my mom after he left, but I don't think I ever stopped blaming her. I just… I needed to see him again – for her. I needed to remember who he really is."_

_He shifted so he was lying down next to her, offering his hand for her to take. After a few moments, she twisted on the bed so she could curl into him and rest her head on his chest._

_"I'm sorry I've been so difficult lately," she said after a few moments, her voice soft._

_He shook his head, squeezing her gently in his arms. "Don't be. You've had to deal with a lot."_

_"I guess," she muttered. "I'm still sorry."_

_"Okay, then," he huffed. "Apology accepted. Alright?"_

_She nodded against him, a small smile appearing on her face. "Alright." Moving her arm to rest on his chest, her petite fingers dug into his shirt. "…Thank you."_

_"For what?" he asked._

_"For staying with me," she said, her voice small and vulnerable. "Despite all of the shit that's happening, you make things a little less… hopeless."_

_"Well, good," he started with a slight smile, "because I'm with you, Shepard. Until the end."_

* * *

She slept peacefully now, her eyes closed and mouth parted, the rise and fall of her chest slow and steady.

Although he hadn't left her side in three hours, he wasn't planning on leaving any time soon. It was true that his eyes stung and his body screamed from lack of sleep, but he simply couldn't bring himself to even briefly shut his eyes. If he didn't blink, she couldn't die.

Dr. Chakwas claimed Shepard would wake soon based on the brain activity she had monitored, but now, Kaidan was beginning to doubt the doctor's definition of soon. After all, Shepard hadn't moved at all in the entire time he had been here.

Honestly, it didn't really matter. He didn't care how long he has to wait, he was going to stay with her. So, he kept his eyes trained on her stationary face, re-memorizing the curves of her lips and cheeks and the worry lines that had deepened considerably since they first met.

_God_ , he thought, _this is probably the best sleep she's gotten in months_.

Jumping violently as a small cough escaped her mouth, he reached out to touch her hand in expectation as her eyelids twitched.

"…Reila?" he murmured, hoping that, this time, he might get a reply.

He watched as her nose scrunched in confusion, her eyes opening slowly and her mouth twisting into a grimace. Blinking a couple times, her gaze moved about wildly as she tried to make sense of where she was.

And when her green eyes landed on him, they stopped, as did his heart.

Her mouth opened, preparing an excess of questions, ready to rapid-fire. But as she stared at him, the confusion never dissipating from her face, she pursed her lips and turned her head away from him.

"Reila, please," he breathed hastily, panic flooding through him. "Can you please look at me?"

"He got away," she muttered, ignoring his request and glaring at the ceiling. "Kai Leng. He got away, didn't he?" Her voice was rough and dry, but she managed to make her words bitter and biting.

"Yeah, he did," Kaidan began to explain, but she immediately screwed her eyes shut with a sigh at his words.

"God _damn it_ ," she growled. "Fucking _hell_."

"Shepard – we know where he is," Kaidan said quickly, hoping she would hear him before she began spiraling out of his reach.

"What?" she huffed.

"Miranda put a tracker on him," he told her. "We know where Cerberus is hiding."

"We…" she trailed off, her eyes fixated on him once again. "Is Miranda alright? And Oriana?"

"They're all safe," he said, nodding.

"Good," she sighed, the muscles in her body visibly relaxing. "Tell Joker to set a course to… wherever the hell Cerberus is."

"Shepard, no," Kaidan said firmly. "You need to rest."

"I'll rest when I'm dead," she deadpanned, pushing herself up slightly with her hands.

" _Fuck_ , Shepard - _no_ ," he hissed, anger seeping into his voice. "Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?"

"What-? No!" she said, her expression betraying her astonishment. "Why would you ask that?"

"Because you almost died. Fucking _again_ ," he snarled. "Five fucking bullets straight into your abdomen, and you didn't let anyone know. You – you can't do that."

She snorted. "Well, I couldn't very much turn around and abandon what I was doing," she explained, her tone condescending. "And I ran out of medi-gel. There wasn't much I could do."

He sighed heavily, his anger dissolving almost instantly. "I know," he murmured. "I know. I'm sorry," he muttered, rubbing his hands against his face in frustration. "I'm not here to accuse you. I was just so goddamn scared."

"Scared?" she asked, her features softening slightly.

"Yeah, I-" He cut himself off, a different kind of fear gripping his chest. "I wanted to talk to you once you got back. But then you… it was terrifying."

An audible breath escaped her, the obvious tension in her body melting away. "I'm sorry, too," she offered. "I guess I've done that to you enough in one lifetime."

He laughed slightly in response, but it came from a heavy place of anxiety and bitterness. "Yeah, you have."

"What did you want to talk to me about?" she asked, looking at him quizzically. "The past few times we've talked, it hasn't exactly been friendly."

"I know," he sighed, internally cursing himself. "And I'm sorry. I haven't exactly been fair to you, Shepard."

He knew she wanted to say something snarky in response, but the words had caught her off guard. Her lips parted, but she didn't make a move to say anything.

"Listen, Reila," he said, saying her first name without vehemence for the first time in too long. He could tell she realized it, too, by the way her eyes widened in surprise. "I've been selfish. When you died, it felt like I died with you," he admitted, his voice rough as he pushed away the pain and emptiness and agony he had carried for years. "And when you came back, I chose to protect myself. I just couldn't handle having you and losing you again - so I didn't take the risk."

He watched as her eyebrows furrowed together, her eyes clouding with pain. She turned her face away from him to look at the ceiling again, closing herself off but allowing him the silence to continue.

"I wish I could take it all back," he told her, his words filled with the pain and shame that plagued his every moment. "Horizon, Mars, every moment in the hospital, every word I've said that's hurt you…" he listed, "but I know I can't. All I can do is tell you that I'm sorry," he said. "I really am. I'm so… I'm so sorry."

She remained silent, her eyes unmoving as her expression twisted with pain and uncertainty.

"I love you, Reila," he confessed in a breathy rush, the heaviness within him lessening as he released the words. "I love you so much, and I need you to know that. There were so many times I should have told you, but I was a coward." He saw the muscles in her jaw tighten, but she didn't even look at him, not once. "I've loved you for so long. I've never stopped loving you, and I don't think I ever will."

After a few moments, tears began to trail down her cheeks and settle at her temples, her eyes still fixated above her. She remained silent for an agonizing amount of time as he waited for a response - if she was going to offer any.

"I wanted to tell you so many times," she whispered slowly, still not looking at him, "…but I've always loved you, Kaidan." Her lips trembled, tears continuing to fall steadily and relentlessly.

And in that moment, he could swear he had died. There was no more air in the room, no more heartbeat in his chest, no more thoughts in his head. Instead, he was on fire, bursting and overflowing inside. She loved him, after all this time. It had been too much to hope for, and now it was too much for him to comprehend.

_She loves me_.

"Look at me," he said, trying to dilute the grin that stretched across his face.

When she turned back to face him, her eyes conveyed fear and helplessness and uncertainty, as if she expected him to retract his love now that she had admitted her own. He hated himself for giving her so much reason to doubt.

"I love you," he said again, making sure she could hear the honesty in his voice and the certainty in his expression.

Without warning, a sob escaped her throat, and she threw her hands over her mouth to stifle her overpowering emotions. He leaned forward to grasp them, pulling them away from her face so she couldn't hide.

"You don't-" she choked out between sobs, "you don't have the _right_ -"

"I know," he said evenly.

She couldn't form any more words as she cried, her pain wrenching his heart and threatening to never let go.

"I'm so sorry, Reila. I can leave if you need me to."

Despite the pain he knew she was in, she managed to shake her head as she wept. He felt her tug on his hands, feebly attempting to pull him closer to her. Without any more encouragement, he stretched next to her on the med bay bed and pulled her into his arms.

"I need _you_ ," she cried. "I've always… please don't leave me again."

It was too much to hold her again. She was too warm and too soft and too _real_. He didn't deserve it, of course – he would never deserve her. But still she clung to him, pleading for him to never leave.

"I won't," he promised. "Never again."


	20. When This Is Over

_"_ _For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

She stared at the stars above her head and tried to drown in their light.

She didn't want to think about strategy anymore. She didn't want to think about her plan of attack on the Cerberus base or her crew rushing into the fight. She didn't want to wonder if Cerberus had the Catalyst or if the troops preparing near Earth were ready to receive it or if she'd still be alive in 24 hours.

But these thoughts cruelly consumed her mind in these final moments of calm. She couldn't breathe anymore, it seemed, as panic and worry and fear gradually choked her.

With uneven breaths, she tried to focus on the cool sensation of tears running down her face and the soft sounds of her hamster in its wheel. She needed to distance herself from reality, if only for a few moments, to steady herself before the chaos.

She didn't know how long she lay there, immobile, until the door to her cabin opened. She heard heavy footsteps walk into the room and towards her bed, but she did not move to acknowledge the new presence.

"Hey, Shepard."

Sitting up at the sound of his voice, she didn't bother to wipe away the tears that stained her cheeks. She watched Kaidan as he slowly moved closer, his eyes reflecting all the pain and fear that settled within her.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, his words barely a question.

She shook her head, her mouth pressing into a thin line as he sat next to her on the bed, his hands fidgeting in his lap. She figured he was afraid to touch her, afraid to cross any boundaries, even after they had confessed their feelings.

It made her heart beat strangely as she moved, deciding to make the first step forward and touching his hand with her own.

When he looked back at her, she could tell he still harbored the regret and wounds he had carried for the past few years. It had visibly aged him, she noted, and the thought made her heart hurt.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, her voice small and unsure.

"I'm afraid, honestly," he murmured. "We just started…"

"I know," she said. "I know."

Kaidan looked at the ceiling, his jaw tight with frustration. "It feels so unfair, but I know it's all my fault," he admitted. "If I hadn't been so goddamn stubborn…"

"Hey," she whispered, touching his cheek. When he looked back at her, his eyes were red and glassy with emotion. "That doesn't matter anymore."

As he sighed softly at her words, she could see the tension in his bones slowly dissipate. "I love you," he said without hesitation.

"I love you, too," she said back.

His eyes, trained on hers, spoke of all the years spent hurting and hoping and longing for a moment like this, a moment spent sinking in shared love, a moment spent drowning in combined existence. She reveled in the moment with him, holding onto peace and pushing imminent pain to the background.

She assumed there was a gravity between them, a pulling, pulling that tugged him to her. She guessed he felt it, too, as he leaned toward her with uncertain eyes. Her heart stopped over and over in the span of one second, a slow-motion instant that shook her down to the soul. It was surprising that she could be this nervous after all they had been through, but it had been so long. Too long.

But the moment his lips touched hers, she felt every fear, every hesitation escape her as the nerves in her body, one by one by one, screamed with relief.

He jerked away from her before she could comprehend the kiss - without warning, abruptly, unfairly. "I'm sorry," he said into the small space between their lips. "Was that okay?"

She could only nod. "Please," she finally forced out, the word burdened by devastating desperation.

Apparently, it was all he needed.

He pushed his mouth against hers again, without restraint, the motion pulling her into him with agonizing urgency. Her lips parted with a moan, involuntarily, and he responded in kind.

They had both wanted to be slow, to take this at a pace that allowed pauses for breath and time to soak in each moment. But theirs was a need that could not be slowed, a need that forced down barriers and shed clothing in a blur.

She welcomed him into her without hesitance, making him shudder and sigh. It was painful for her after all this time, a sharp and stinging sensation that made her gasp aloud. The pain dimmed after a few moments, giving way to soft, blossoming pleasure that seemed to soothe all the pains she had ever known.

As he moved, her hands found every inch of skin she could reach, and she was surprised by how well she knew his body after so long. She could still trace each line, each curve of him without hesitation, and the realization made her heart ache. No amount of time would have ever made her forget him, forget this. After all, he was made for her - body and soul - just as she was made for him.

Reila could tell he was rediscovering her body by the uncertainty in his touch. It didn't bother her, though – her body _had_ changed since the last time they were together. He had to relearn her skin just as she had relearned herself after awakening in the Cerberus lab.

This was both familiar and new for them, mixing agony and ecstasy until the dividing lines dissolved into something she would never be able to describe.

He pushed into her, his pace becoming increasingly punishing until she could barely breathe. She clung to him, her fingers digging into his back, begging him with her eyes to keep going, to never stop.

She felt her pleasure rising as his hips moved harder and more erratically, his peak rapidly approaching, as well. She pressed her lips to his as the sensations became too much, snapping the coil within her and shattering her body inch by inch. He began to shudder only moments after, his movements stilling as breath escaped in a rush.

They continued to look at each other, him hovering above her with trembling arms. She wanted to say something, anything to let him know how perfect he was, how much she loved him, but she couldn't find the air to form the words. Instead, she touched his face with shaking fingers and pulled him into a gentle kiss, hoping he felt exactly as she did.

He fell to the side after a few moments, his arms having given way to fatigue. Shepard turned over to face him, a small smile creeping across her face as he closed his eyes contentedly.

"You're going grey," she observed lazily, her hands reaching up to touch his salt-and-pepper hair.

Kaidan's eyes fluttered open to look at her with amusement. "Yeah, well," he laughed softly, "war isn't exactly a stress-reliever."

She snorted. "I think I've figured that out."

"However," he started, shifting to get a better look at her. "It looks like you haven't aged a day."

"That's not true. I have more wrinkles," she argued, her lips curving upwards. "And quite a few of them are because of you, Alenko."

He laughed harder now, the sound unburdened and light. "I'm so sure."

She paused, the smile remaining on her face but her eyes betraying fear. She let her fingers brush against his chest, lightly scratching the hair that grew there. "I'm glad you're here, Kaidan," she said quietly, the words heavy on her tongue.

"Me, too," he agreed, his arms circling around her possessively. He pulled her flush to his body, making sure there was no space between them. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

* * *

_Her heart remained stuck in her throat as she stood outside his office. She tried to stay calm in the face of uncertainty, although she couldn't help the lightheadedness she felt. She had known this conversation with Anderson was inevitable, but now that it was looming in front of her, she was terrified._

_Opening the door tentatively, she peered into the office and murmured, "Sir?"_

_Anderson looked up from the datapad in his hand and smiled at her, his demeanor friendly and unassuming. He stood from his desk and walked to her, warmly nodding in greeting. "Shepard," he said, offering his hand for her to shake._

_"So," Reila said awkwardly as she shook his hand, her voice rising in pitch, "you wanted to talk about something?"_

_"I did," he said, surprised by her forwardness. "I wanted to talk to you about Lieutenant Alenko."_

_Eyes widening, she felt her anxiety heighten. "Would you like a performance report of the Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, deciding to feign innocence._

_"Shepard," Anderson warned, his tone becoming more serious. "You know what this is about."_

_Sighing softly, Reila nodded and averted her eyes. "I do."_

_"You can relax," he told her. "I'm not going to report you. I don't have any 'official' evidence, and I'm not planning on trying to find any. I just wanted to make sure you know what you're doing."_

_"I don't, honestly," she admitted, the words coming out as a shaky laugh, her head spinning with relief at his words. "I've never done anything like this."_

_"I know," he laughed along with her. "In all the years I've known you, you've never broken a single reg."_

_"That's what I told Kaidan," she said, rolling her eyes. "But he was pretty persistent, like any good officer."_

_"Good to know," Anderson said, his tone still playful._

_"So," Reila said cautiously. "Did you just call me in here to tell me that you know? Because my mother so kindly informed me of that a few weeks ago."_

_"She wants you to be careful. Just like I do," Anderson explained, his voice softening. "With everything that's happening right now, you don't want to draw any negative attention to yourself."_

_She nodded, her throat tightening with worry and unease. "I understand, sir."_

_"Good. That's all I needed," Anderson said._

_Nodding and saluting the Councilor, Shepard turned to leave his office at his dismissal, more than ready to go unwind at her apartment with the aforementioned Lieutenant._

_"And Shepard?" Anderson said, and she turned around to look at him. "Enjoy the rest of your shore leave," Anderson advised, eyes warm and thoughtful. "Who knows when you'll get a moment's rest again? We've stumbled into a war, after all…"_

* * *

_…and you never know when it might take you._

Anderson's words from over three years ago flickered in her mind with unwelcome forbearing. She stood under the violent orange sky of London, every nerve on fire and every heartbeat louder than the last. Everywhere she turned, there was a Reaper on the horizon, an explosion in the distance, the sound of death permeating chaos.

This needed to end.

"Shepard!" a voice called from her left, pulling her from her malicious thoughts. Kaidan jogged towards her, looking relieved to have found her in the mayhem. "There you are."

"Hey, Kaidan," she murmured as he stilled in front of her, his expression tired and grim. "I guess this is it, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he agreed, his frown becoming more pronounced. "Just one more fight."

She nodded slowly, looking away from him and back to the burning horizon.

"I've just forced myself to stop thinking," she admitted. "Every time I do, I can't help but go over every little detail of our attack. I can't help but think of all the lives I'm leading into battle, and how many of those lives will be lost by the end of the day."

"You've done everything you can, Reila," he assured her, gingerly lifting her chin with his fingers. "More than anyone else could have."

To her horror, she felt burning tears form in her eyes. A commander shouldn't cry in front of her soldiers, after all. But Kaidan wasn't just a soldier. "What if it's not enough?"

"It will be," he said. "We have to believe that."

She nodded, steeling her resolve as tears rolled down her face. "I just need to tell you-" she started, her heart aching in her chest as she choked on the words. "Kaidan, if I don't make it-"

"Stop," he said firmly, though she saw his eyes flicker with fear. "You can't… you're going to come back to me, Reila," he told her. "And when you do, I'm… I'm finally going to marry you."

Snorting, she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. "Are you really proposing to me, Major? _Now_?"

"I'm serious," he said, his expression hardening. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But that means you have to come back, okay?"

Laughing slightly as new tears fell down her face, she nodded. "Is that an order, Major?" she teased, her voice thick from crying.

"I'm not sure if I can give you orders, Commander," he said back, a worried smile appearing on his face. "But yes. Come back to me, Reila. That's an order."

"I love you," was all she had left to say. "More than anything."

He grabbed her face with both hands, hastily pulling her lips to his. She could feel his fearful desperation, his hopeful despair as his mouth parted, pulling every sensation out of this kiss that he could.

"I love you, too," he breathed against her mouth, his forehead touching hers. "This is not the end for us. They won't take you from me again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I always hate adding these things, but if you like this story, it would be really amazing if you could drop a small comment. I've been feeling super discouraged lately, and anything that lets me know you guys are still reading would be amazing :)


	21. Shooting Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for those who commented, I really needed that little boost of confidence. Only two more chapters after this :) enjoy!!

_"For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

She collapsed next to Anderson on the floor, head pounding and too many parts of her body pulsing with pain. An involuntary groan rushed out of her lungs with the movement, her entire being throbbing in protest.

"Hey, Anderson," she croaked, attempting to catch his attention. He made a few soft grunts in response, and when she looked at him, he his eyes were closed as he clutched his bleeding wound. He was fading fast, and there was nothing she could do. _Shit_ _._ "No - Anderson? Stay with me, stay with me."

"You don't have to worry about me," he said back, a soft smile curving his lips. His voice was weak - too soft, too strained - and it made her heart hurt. "I'm okay."

"Good," she ground out, knowing full and well that he was lying. "Because you're not dying today. And that's an order, sir."

Letting out a feeble laugh, his smile widened minutely. "Since when do you order me, Commander?"

"You can scold me when we _get home_ ," she insisted. "Okay?"

He breathed out what sounded like a laugh, his eyes fluttering open at her determined words. "You're a hell of a woman, Shepard. I knew it from the beginning," he told her, his words punctuated with sharp, uneven breaths. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing out tears in anguish. "I'm proud of you," he said slowly, his voice fading. "I've always been so proud…"

"Anderson?" she hissed, feeling helpless as he slumped to the side, eyes closing once more. "Sir, you don't get to die on me," she choked out. She watched as his slight smile fell and his jaw went slack, the hand on his wound relaxing and falling into his lap. She had seen enough men die to know what dying looked like, though it never got any easier to witness.

Placing her hand on his shoulder, she shook him with as much strength as she could muster, fully aware that her feeble efforts were in vain. He was gone - and she knew it. "Kahlee's waiting for you," she continued to plead, her heavy tears blurring the blood on her cheeks. "You _can't_ _._.." The last words ended with a sputtering sob, the force of it making her body ache.

He was gone, as were so many others. Just another casualty, just another plaque on the wall.

Her muddied gaze moved to the lifeless body of the Illusive Man, his eyes still wide open and staring into space. She still could barely fathom how far he had fallen, how easily he had been indoctrinated with the smallest promise of power. And because of him, so much had gone wrong. Reila almost wished she could revive him just to kill him again, but she had honestly never been one for petty vengeance.

Sighing into the lonely silence, she let her head fall in defeat. She hadn't found what she was looking for, and all she had to show for her efforts were death and brokenness.

In this hazy moment, she couldn't help but think of all of those fighting on Earth, the dozens of soldiers dying each minute in wait of salvation – a salvation she had failed to attain. They were counting on her, but she was going to die up here, unable to stop the reaping of everyone she had fought for years to protect.

_I'm so sorry, Kaidan. I guess I'm not coming back this time. I hope you'll forgive me one day._

At least this time, she had gotten to tell him the truth before her death. _I love you. Always_ _._ It wasn't much of a consolation for her in these final moments, but it was something.

_I'll be with Ash soon, so don't worry. I'll see Mordin and Thane and Legion and Anderson… I'll be okay._

Her whole body burned with pain, broken bones and bleeding lesions leaving her lightheaded. She was exhausted, so she let her body fall to the floor to rest. She burned, burned… She was a shooting star, after all - immortalized, illuminating, imperfect.

She had always been. Always.

_I love you, Kaidan. You'll never be alone._

A glow swathed her as consciousness faded, and she swore gravity no longer had hold on her. She was being lifted up slowly, pulled to the ceiling, pulled to whatever was after this life. She heard the little boy from her dreams speak as she rose, his voice becoming clearer and clearer.

She was weightless, she was nothing, she was insignificant.

She was everything.

* * *

_Rolling to the side, she tried to slow her breathing as she came down from her high. Glancing over at the naked lieutenant, she was pleased to see that he was just as breathless as she - and looking quite pleased with himself._

_"That was…" he huffed out, a large grin breaking across her face._

_She giggled lightly from beside him, toes curling as she stretched out her spine."I know. I was there," she teased, shooting him a contented smile._

_He snorted, shaking his head with mock annoyance. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"_

_"I do," she grinned, shifting onto her side. "Now c'mere," she commanded, holding out her arms for him._

_"Yes, commander," he responded, amused. He scooted closer and wrapped his arms around her slim frame, letting her curl against his side. He brushed his fingertips along the curve of her back once she had settled, a gentle gesture that warmed her entire being._

_"That feels nice," she cooed, resting her palm on his broad chest and flexing her fingers. He made a small noise of contentment before softly kissing the top of her head. Her eyes closed leisurely as she basked in the solidness of his body and the warmth of the afterglow._

_"I don't want this to end," he said faintly, breaking their sweet silence._

_Reila hummed with discontented agreement beside him on the bed, her mouth twisting with distaste. "Shore leave can't be forever," she lamented, her slender fingers brushing against his temple. At her touch, his eyes fluttered open to look at her, his expression serious and almost… desperate._

_"That's not what I meant… I-" He turned his head to look away from her, his words ending abruptly. "I don't want…"_

_It was then that she understood his ridiculous insinuations, her mouth curving into a deep frown. "I'm not going anywhere, Kaidan," she said monotonously, eyes narrowing. "Did you really think I would just ditch you after this?"_

_He grimaced slightly, his gaze still refusing to meet hers. "We're about to be thrown into a war, Reila," he said softly, his voice low and strained. "You're Commander Shepard. You can't risk anything just to be with me."_

_She snorted with disbelief, her wandering fingers resting on his bare chest. "You sound like Anderson," she said with annoyance, remembering the man's words from earlier in the week. "I don't need you - or anyone else - watching out for me. I know what I'm doing," she assured him. "You're what I want, and I'm not going to let the Alliance take you from me. Okay?"_

_Turning his head to finally look at her, she was relieved to see a small smile grace his lips. "Okay," he repeated._

_"Good," she said, offering a soft smile. "Because I'm not going anywhere."_

* * *

The sky still burned red on Earth two days days later, reflecting the burning wreckage found on its surface. He stood among the smoulders of crashed aircrafts, charred bodies, and pieces of the demolished Citadel as bustling soldiers searched for survivors.

He felt hollowed out and hopeless by this point. The search for Shepard was ongoing, and there was no official statement on her status yet - but he figured everyone knew by now what no one would say out loud.

She wasn't coming back this time.

The thought was numbing at this point, almost like there was no way it was reality. She was with him only forty-eight hours ago, warm and solid and real - how could she be gone?

He felt his lips curl into a grimace as his thoughts spiraled away from his control. They had only been back together for _so little_ time, and he could only blame himself for that. If he had only gotten past his stupid, selfish pride - his bitter, festering fear-

But it was too little too late, and now he had lost her forever.

Reaching up to hastily wipe away tears with his hand, he felt the numbness in his chest slowly give way to white-hot, panicked pain. _She's not coming back to me. She's gone, she's gone, she's-_

A dry sob ripped from his throat, forcefully pulling him from the darkness in his mind. There was no use dwelling on these things, at least not while there was still work to be done. He figured that he should join the others in their search ( _they're not going to find her, she's gone, she's gone_ ), but he couldn't find the will to move his legs and begin.

He wished Reila hadn't sent him away, hadn't called Joker to evacuate him. His chest wound wasn't been _that_ bad - he could've kept fighting alongside her. Why had she left him behind? How dare she leave him behind?

_You know why. You would've done the same for her._

Without warning, he felt small, soft fingers touch the hand at his side and intertwine with his own. Looking over, he saw Liara standing next to him, not bothering to hide her desperate, pained expression. She gazed into the far distance vacantly, squeezing his hand softly as another sob escaped him.

It was only moments later when Garrus was at his other side, placing a taloned hand on his shoulder. The turian's mandibles twitched uncomfortably as he glared at the death and destruction surrounding them, emanating worry and fear and anger. Tali clung to Garrus' arm, and though he couldn't see her expression, her sorrow was practically tangible.

They stood together for what felt like an eternity, none of them speaking, none of them knowing what to say. They had been with Shepard since the very beginning, had loved and lost her too many times to manage. And now they were here again, waiting for their Commander to come home, waiting for their Commander to never return.

She had always been a beacon of hope to then all, a symbol of unity and impossible things. She was a flash of light against the darkness of the universe, a blazing burst that everyone wanted to hold on to, if only for a brief moment. Everyone wanted to fly, to shine.

But she never let anyone let go. She held everyone in her presence, pulling them into her light even if they resisted. She never burned alone - she wasn't meant to burn alone.

And everywhere she went, she left people with burning souls, glowing with the fire of shooting stars and blazing suns.

She had touched him and alighted every cell in his body, changing him entirely and irrevocably. She brought him life and taught him to love and love and _love_ -

_And I do. I love you, Reila. Please come back to me._


	22. Comatose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter, guys. An epilogue. I know this story has never been exactly popular, but I really REALLY appreciate everyone who has stuck with this story, whether it's been from the first chapter or the most recent chapter. Once again, let me know what you think before it's all over. Thanks again everyone :)

" _For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction." –Isaac Newton_

* * *

His vision was tunneled and focused as he navigated the hallways, his entire body buzzing with unease. He felt his shoulder collide roughly with a nearby salarian's, accidentally knocking over the slight alien. Not pausing to apologize, he pushed forward, those three words echoing over and over in his mind.

 _We found her_.

He could still scarcely believe that she was alive - after five days of waiting and trying to accept that she was really gone, he had all but given up hope. But they had found her, broken and barely breathing beneath flaming rubble.

A small part of him feared that this was a dream or a practical joke or a fluke - that he would rush into an empty hospital room with hopeful heart pounding. But the reports he received assured him that this was _truly her_ , that she was alive, that his prayers had paid off.

Those that dug her out of her would-be grave set an immediate course for Sur'Kesh, seeing as the salarian planet's medical facilities were the best that still remained post-war. Of course, this meant that the _Normandy_ \- and everyone aboard - set an immediate course for Sur'Kesh, hoping beyond hope that Shepard would still be breathing when they arrived. Kaidan had barely waited for the ship to dock before rushing towards the hospital, not bothering to wait for anyone else to follow.

 _We found her_.

People from all races bustled around the hospital, trying to tend to the wounded who arrived daily and by the shipload. For the most part, they seemed to ignore Kaidan as he rushed through the corridors without authorization and without direction. And for the most part, Kaidan couldn't give a damn about anyone else.

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. "Excuse me, sir?" an irritated voice asked from behind him. He turned to face a slight human woman, her eyes tired and her scrubs splattered with blood. "Sir, you aren't allowed to be back here."

"I - I'm looking for Commander Shepard," he said in response, completely ignoring the nurse's words. "Where can I find her?"

 _We found her_.

"I'm sorry, but the Commander is in surgery right now," she answered, her demeanor oozing exhaustion.

"Will she be okay?" he asked rapidly, heart constricting in his chest.

She stared at him for a long moment - almost as if he were a rabid dog preparing to strike. "We don't know yet," she said slowly. "We'll let you know when we do. But until then, you have to leave."

"Please, just let me-" he choked out, his words cutting off with a dry sob. "Let me stay. Please, I can't-"

"Sir, I promise I'll let you know the moment she's out of the OR," the nurse assured him, placing a hand on his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. "Until then, you'll have to stay in the waiting room."

The air rushed out of his lungs with a sigh, eyes burning with unshed tears. "Okay," he conceded, knowing that whether he was in the OR or the waiting room, he would have to be patient.

"Thank you," she exhaled with relief. "The waiting room is down the hall and to the left," she added, nodding in his direction. "I'll be with you soon," she said before turning to rush off, not giving him any time to thank her for the help.

He did as he was instructed and made his way to the overcrowded waiting room where dozens of souls were stagnant, just like him, waiting for an answer. And once again, he found himself completely out of control, completely helpless, completely...

But this was nothing more than another waiting game. Just another waiting game.

* * *

_When Reila boarded late that morning, the ship was already humming with the desire take flight. The_ Normandy _\- her ship - seemed to recognize her as she walked through the Command Deck, its familiar sounds and sights greeting her like an old friend._

" _Welcome back, Shepard," Joker called out from the cockpit, having already settled at the pilot's chair. He had a lazy grin on his lips as he swiveled to face her, offering a formal salute to his commanding officer._

_Returning the gesture, she sunk into her hip and crossed her arms. "Happy to be back?" she asked, his expression already giving her the answer. Hell, he looked like he was about to burst from the excitement of being back at the helm._

" _You have no idea," he answered, shaking his head. "I mean, shore leave is great and all, but…"_

" _Duty calls," she filled in, nodding. "Regardless, I bet too much vacation would make you soft," she added, the corners of her mouth curling into a coy smile._

" _Hey," he shot back with mock offense. "I'm_ always _soft, Commander." Pausing for a moment, he trailed his eyes along her body, making her shift uncomfortably on her feet. "Anyways, I heard shore leave treated you well," he said with a smirk, his insinuations skirting a dangerous line. "_ Very _well."_

" _I - uh," she sputtered out, his words taking her off guard. "Yes, it was… fine." She felt her cheeks burn a bright shade of red, much to Joker's amusement._

" _I'm pretty sure Alenko would be offended by 'fine,'" Joker grinned, obviously loving the way Shepard squirmed where she stood._

" _Joker," she groaned, shaking her head. "We are not talking about this," she ground out._

" _Okay, okay," he said, raising his hands defensively. "You're the boss."_

_Rolling her eyes, she shifted her weight to her other foot restlessly. "So," she began, turning their conversation away from her personal life. "Were you briefed on where we're going?"_

" _Yeah, the Terminus System, right?" he responded, turning his chair to look at his controls._

" _Yep," she confirmed, moving to stand next to him as he punched in coordinates. "Apparently, three Alliance ships have disappeared there in the past month. The Council suspects geth."_

_Joker snorted, his fingers still flying across the control panel. "Great," he said sarcastically. "I love geth."_

_Biting her lip to stifle a giggle, Reila leaned her arm against the back of the pilot's chair. "Has everyone boarded yet?" she asked._

" _Most of the crew is boarded, and Liara got here about an hour ago," he answered offhandedly. "I guess Tali has some things to take care of back home, and Garrus will join us in a few weeks. He's visiting his parents on Palaven, I think."_

" _And the Lieutenant?" she inquired casually. Her expression twisted into a scowl when Joker shot her a knowing look, his lips curved into a cocky grin._

" _Ah - here," a voice said from behind her, making her jump slightly. She turned to the voice, coming face-to-face with the aforementioned lieutenant. "Hello, Commander," Kaidan greeted with a salute._

" _Lieutenant," Reila responded rigidly, saluting in turn._

" _Come on, do you really need to be so formal?" Joker asked cheekily, not turning to look at the pair. "Eh, nevermind. You two probably talk like that in the bedroom."_

" _Joker!" Shepard exclaimed immediately, whipping her head to glare at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Kaidan's face flaring a bold pink, an amused smile tugging at his lips._

" _Yes, Commander?" Joker asked innocently, barely able to subdue his grin._

" _I will throw you out the airlock, I swear," she hissed, narrowing her eyes._

" _Jeez, you sound tense," he answered. "Maybe you and the Lieutenant need more shore leave." She could hear Kaidan's soft laugher to the side of her as she fumed, his amusement only fueling her embarrassment._

" _... Joker, you're fired."_

" _...it's good to have you back, Commander."_

* * *

She was lost in a constant heavy fog, a heady smoke veiling her from any reality. This couldn't be Heaven or Hell, could it? This was too hazy, too intangible to be any kind of afterlife. That could only mean she wasn't dead. Probably.

" _...dose of epinephrine..._ "

" _...completely unstable…_ "

" _...losing her, we're losing her..."_

Voices stumbled in and out of her brain in an endless, incoherent stream. She could never make sense of more than a few words at a time, though she could barely make sense of anything in the disjointed landscape of her mind.

She just _knew_ that she needed to… get somewhere. Something, someone was waiting for her outside this dazed blackness - she was sure of it. But no matter how far or how hard she reached, she only grasped at slippery silver fog.

" _...don't think we can save it…_ "

" _...still lucky to be alive…_ "

Alive. _Alive._ She _wasn't_ dead, apparently.

Now all she needed to do was… push through this darkness. There was still so much resistance, so much unsurety in the path forward, but she needed to get back. Someone was waiting for her, someone was waiting…

" _...my god, is she…_ "

" _...back to me, please…_ "

" _...you, Reila. I love…"_

"Kaidan..." she felt her mouth move of its own accord, out of her control, her tongue automatically forming his name. _Kaidan_.

" _...speaking! She said my..."_

" _...need your rest…"_

" _...staying. I'm not leaving…."_

Kaidan. He was there - he was waiting for her beyond all this nothingness, all this confusion. He was there, just out of reach. All she needed to do was simply... _open your eyes, Reila._

Then there was light - uncontrolled, unbearable light.

It burned through her skull as she blinked - once, twice - into reality. In fact, everything burned. Her lungs, her chest, her head, her fingertips all ached as she exited the warmth of her mind. But this was _real_ , she was _here_. She could feel it.

"Reila?" his hopeful voice choked out as she deciphered her blinding surroundings. "Reila, are you…?"

"What-" she hissed out, forcing the word out of her dry throat. "Kaidan?"

"Oh my god…" he ground out at the sound of her voice, a soft pressure resting beside her right thigh a moment later. She heard his sobs as her eyes slowly focused, her gaze landing on his shaking form folded over her bed. His face was buried into her blanket as he cried uncontrollably with relief, his entire body trembling with the force of his sobs.

"Kaidan, what's wrong?" she rasped out, knowing immediately that the question was stupid. She moved her right hand to touch his hair, ignoring the healing cuts and bruises that littered her skin. Although the motion was small and slow, it exhausted her swollen muscles.

He lifted his head, red eyes meeting hers with disbelief. "Oh my god," he groaned again. "You're… I can't believe it," he said, catching her hand and holding it to his tear-stained face.

She exhaled sharply, a failed laugh from tired lungs. "What, did I almost die again?"

"Too close," he murmured against her fingertips, ignoring her untimely attempt at humor. "It was too close this time."

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "Did I... are the Reapers…?"

"You stopped them," he interrupted, his watery expression turning to one of awe. "You stopped them. But... did you have to blow yourself up?"

This time, she produced distinctive laughter, an overjoyed sound that made her chest ache. "Was it that bad?"

"Well, you-" he started before clipping off his words abruptly. His mouth tightened with pain, eyes flashing to the other side of the bed, to her left - though she didn't miss the subtle movement.

Looking to her left hesitantly, the first thing she noticed was an expanse of white. Thick, endless bandages wrapped around her torso, likely concealing a horrid, fleshy mess. The wrappings seemed relatively clean and new, indicating that she had been unconscious for quite some time.

The second thing she noticed was her arm. Actually, to be precise, she noticed the _absence_ of her arm.

A terrible choking noise left her lips in response, a knee-jerk reaction to the shock from her injury. She could only stare at the white wrappings, bound tightly around where her left elbow used to be and defining a distinct stump.

"Reila, take deep breaths," Kaidan murmured, holding her intact hand solidly. It was only then that she noticed the wild beeping of her heart monitor, reflecting her unbound panic. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

"I-" she forced out, gaze shifting past her hips, following the line of her left leg that ended too soon. Although her hospital blanket covered a gruesome reality, she could see where the curve of her leg completely stopped above her left knee. "I don't-"

"It's okay," Kaidan said again, though his voice was muffled by the blood pumping in her ears. "Dr. Chakwas and Tali are already making you prosthetics."

"I just…" she murmured slowly. She instructed her brain to wiggle her fingers, and the lack of any response was unsettling. "It's a lot to get used to. I don't..." she trailed off, staring at the space where her arm should be, mind short-circuiting from the strangeness of it all.

He nodded slowly, shoulders relaxing as her heartbeat gradually returned to normal. "I know," was all he said, was all he _could_ say. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

A grateful smile curved her lips as she stared at him, letting warm tears run down her cheeks. He was more than she could ask for, more than she could ever deserve, but he was here, regardless. He was willing to wait for her in this hospital room without any fluctuations, willing to walk with her through painful healing without any hesitations, willing to love her forever without any expectations.

And so she said, "I love you." There was nothing else to say.

He exhaled sharply, eyes fluttering closed, completely overcome. "I didn't think I'd ever hear that again," he admitted, voice cracking from the weight of his words. When he met her eyes again, it looked as though he was ready to burst. "Reila, I've always loved you. Through the years, through everything… I'm the luckiest man alive."

Biting her lip to stifle a giddy grin, she shook her with disbelief. "So... does this mean you still want to marry me?"

He released a loud, genuine laugh, expelling all of his pain and anxiety and tension with the sound. "Absolutely," he answered, his responding smile almost blinding. Leaning his head closer to hers, he asked, "Can I just kiss you now?"

"Kaidan," she warned, "I haven't brushed my teeth in _days_ , and-"

Before she could finish protesting, his lips had molded to hers, the pressure of his mouth gentle but _desperate_. She raised her right hand to touch his cheek as he pulled away slightly, sighing dreamily into the space between their lips, letting herself finally relax into him, into _them_.

And as she burned from the heat of him, from the love he poured out for her, she could _feel_ it. This was gravity, a push and pull that relentlessly bound them together, an undeniable force of nature that would never let them part again.

_I'm yours - and that's it, forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm yours, and that's it - forever."  
> -"Ballad of Love and Hate," Avett Brothers


	23. Echoes of Infinity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, this is the final chapter. Get ready for feels.

_“For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.” –Isaac Newton_

* * *

 The soft sunlight soaked into her skin, dancing through their open window and gently waking her up. With a tiny stretch, she sat up in bed and blinked into the light, releasing a small yawn. The spot next to her was cold and vacant as it had been for the past few weeks, but this morning, its emptiness didn’t pain her so much.

With contented, curved lips, Reila pushed herself out of bed and stood, stretching again with a faint groan, feeling the muscles in her back scream in protest. Every day the aching in her body seemed to get worse and worse, but that was to be expected, much to her chagrin. At least her strong prosthetic leg helped bear most of the strain, lessening her foot pain.

Opening her bedroom window to let in the fresh Vancouver air, she revealed in its crisp coolness that flooded into the room. She loved the way it soothed her skin, flushed from being snuggled in layers of blankets during the night.

She walked to the kitchen leisurely, her stomach growling aggressively at the mere thought of food. She would really need to go shopping soon - she was running low on all her favorites. Peanut butter, strawberries, ice cream…

“Hello, beautiful.”

Jumping out of her skin at the unexpected voice, Reila let out an involuntary yelp, her heartbeat immediately quickening. To her surprise, Kaidan waiting for her, leaning against the kitchen counter with a lazy smile on his face.

“Jesus, Kaidan!” she exclaimed, pressing a palm against her chest to soothe her frightened heart. “You’re such an _ass_.”

His grin widened as he pushed off the counter to approach her, his eyes reflecting his amusement. “I got in early. I wanted to surprise you,” he said, pressing his lips to her cheek.

Shaking her head, she pushed her bottom lip into a pout. “More like scare the fuck out of me.”

He laughed heavily at her expression, pulling her into his warm embrace and squeezing her softly. “I missed you so much, Reila.”

She relaxed into his arms, nuzzling against his firm chest. “Mm… I missed you too, Admiral,” she hummed against his chest, teasing him with his formal title.

The pressure of his lips against her hair made her smile. She had missed simple gestures like these, soft little touches that reaffirmed how much they loved one another. “So how have you been?” he asked, pulling away slightly to look at her face. “Have you been sleeping well? Eating?”

“I’m not an invalid,” she laughed faintly, brushing off his concern. “I’ve been doing fine.”

“And how about our little girl?” he asked, dropping to his knee to come eye level with her gently rounded stomach. Pressing his palms flat against the curve of it, he flashed his eyes upwards to her face with a smile. “Has she been behaving herself?”

She offered a half smile, overwhelmed by the strange picture in front of her. Kaidan’s proud, excited eyes, his fingers pressing lightly against the life they had created. She hadn’t originally wanted children - she was afraid of making the same mistakes her own mother had. But Kaidan had been very persuasive, and after a few years of marriage, they ended up here - a tiny girl growing within her as they prepared to be parents.

“She’s learning how to kick,” Reila said with a grimace, remembering the soft twinges of pain that consistently thrummed within her. Mostly while she was trying to sleep, of course.

Kaidan only grinned at his wife’s irritation, the pad of his thumbs brushing against her stomach tenderly. Placing a soft kiss in the center, he stood up just to wrap Reila in his arms again. “I love you,” he murmured into the crook of her neck, pressing his lips softly against the skin there. “So much.”

“I love you, Kaidan,” she purred back, leaning away in his arms. With a coy smile, she slanted her lips over his, bringing her arms up to wrap around his neck. He kissed her back earnestly, his fingers tangling into blonde hair to hold her in place against him. She felt a moan hum against her lips, his desire and need from the past few weeks bubbling up in the both of them.

He bit her bottom lip before pulling away, his eyes sharp and darkened with lust. Her breathing had quickened, his simple touches enough to set her body aflame. “Do you want to take this to the bedroom?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow up with a devious grin.

Without a word in response, Kaidan swept his wife into a bridal hold, making a swift beeline for their bedroom. She giggled, peppering open-mouthed kisses along his jawline as he moved, feeling him tense under her touch. The moment he passed the threshold, he kicked the door shut behind them and tossed her onto the bed. With a mischievous curl of his lips, he crawled over her, molding his mouth to hers once more.

And just like that, she welcomed him home,spending a blissful afternoon wrapped up in sheets, wrapped up in him. Each kiss seared their skin, seared their hearts, reaffirming over and over that this is where they belonged.

Heartbeats falling together, singing sweetly to each other.

 _I’m yours, I’m yours_ , they sang. _And you’re mine._

* * *

_She gazed at the glimmering lights of the universe blur by, her hands pressed flat against the glass. She loved this view more than anything, soothing flickers of infinity flashing beneath her fingertips. Her ship was deep in space now, rushing towards their unknown future carelessly, unaware of the trials that lie ahead._

_A soft pair of hands lightly brushed against her waist, settling on the curves found there. An even softer pair of lips touched the skin behind her ear, eliciting a soft sigh from her mouth._

_“Kaidan.”_

_She felt him smile against her skin, loving the sound of his name on her lips. He pressed the front of his body against her back, wrapping his arms completely around her body. Squeezing gently, he rested his chin on her shoulder, staring out into infinity just as she did._

_“God, it’s so beautiful out here.”_

_She had spoken the words aloud, her mouth echoing her thoughts unconsciously. He hummed from his place behind her, the sound tickling her ear next to his mouth. She smiled slightly, a tiny giggle escaping her lips at the sensation._

_“You’re so beautiful.”_

_His words sweetly struck her straight in the chest, the warmth from his body seeming to seep into every corner of her heart. The love she felt for him was too much to handle, too much to fathom, yet she could never find the words to tell him._

_Twisting in his arms, away from the sight of the galaxies buzzing past them, she pressed her cheek against his firm chest, revelling in the sound of his heartbeat against her, reminding her that he was hers and hers alone._

_She would spend the rest of her life trying to deserve that privilege. Little did she know that he was thinking the same exact thing as he held her, his whole body humming with the need to prove himself to her, prove that he was worthy enough to have and hold such an extraordinary woman._

_Little did she know that he loved her, too. So, so much._

_“Don’t forget about me, okay?”_

_She didn’t understand the words as she said them - they were strange and out of place in a moment like this, but she felt her soul screaming to say them. When she looked back into his eyes, he didn’t seem confused or taken aback. Instead, he stared at her as if she were impossibly perfect, impossibly coveted, the light of her love reflected in his eyes._

_Brushing her blonde bangs out of her green eyes, he shook his head at the absurdity of her words. She knew, she already knew, even as he opened his mouth to speak. But with one simple word, he mended her heart by mending his own._

_With one simple word, he promised the infinite._

_“Never.”_

* * *

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. I hope you guys have loved following along with this story as much as I loved writing it. Thank you for everyone who has supported me along this journey, leaving kudos and comments. You guys mean the world.
> 
> And so, for the final time, go ahead and leave a comment. I would truly appreciate it :) Thank you guys, and farewell.


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